This'll probably be my last venting post ever, I know how annoying it is, but I don't want to burden anyone with my stupid worries and fears and problems. Because they are stupid, so stupid and minuscule and.. not anything I should be complaining about but it seems like this little box in which I can type words is the only thing I can pour out my feelings to that won't judge me and call me childish or immature or selfish. Maybe I am, but it doesn't really matter I guess.
I'm always the one to help people, I'm always there for them, always there to catch them before they hit the ground. I love doing this, I love seeing smiles on the faces of people because of something I've done. I love feeling like I'm important or people care about me when, in reality, then want what I've wanted all along. Someone to hold them and tell them everything will be okay even if it might not actually ever be. And I guess I have that, but in reality I'm just fooling myself because I'm apart from him again, too far apart for him to hold me and tell me that everything is okay when I wake up from the nightmares every night.
On another subject, I don't think people get where I'm coming from when I say I can't stand to look myself in the mirror. They don't get it that I'm not saying I'm ugly because I want attention, I'm saying it because it's the truth. I see nothing beautiful about myself other than my eyes. I love their color, it's a grey-blue, and it's gorgeous. But everything else is horrible. My cheekbones are prominent, my chin is too square, I have scars on my face from the acne I used to have ( which still, even now, comes back on occasion. You'd think I'd be rid of it by now. ) and my lips are defined. My hair is horrible and never turns out the way I want it. I look horrible in glasses but I can't see without them and I still have yet to get a way to get contacts. my hands are scarred and rough and calloused from playing the guitar and painting and stupid things I did when I was younger.
My shoulders are too broad, I'm extremely flat chested, my voice is too high, my smile shows my gums, my nose is so freaking small and I have heavy bags under my eyes and horrible, ugly dimples which seem to look cute on everyone but me. I don't have an a**, it's extremely flat, my thighs are huge, and my feet are so freaking wide. My back arches weird and my ribs show when I stretch. I'm too muscular without even meaning too and my eyes, the only beautiful part of me, are too small to stand out even the slightest bit. And it makes me sad that when I look in the mirror I want to puke, I see the disgust in my gaze when I look at myself but I also see everything that's wrong because there's nothing that's right. I've had many people my entire life tell me this. I've never once had a random person come up to me and tell me I'm pretty or beautiful because the harsh truth is that I'm not.
I'll probably get bitched out for this, I'll have someone tell me that I'm beautiful and that I need to stop saying I'm ugly. But the sad fact is it doesn't matter how many people tell me that now because all that I see when I look in the mirror is just ugliness. And the only person that can change that is me, but when I think I'm finally started to get my self-esteem back it comes crashing down again and again I'm forced to face the fact that I'm ugly. I envy all those who look beautiful, I'm not jealous, they probably deserve it or they have perfect genes. But for once would love to be able to look in the mirror and think I look good, just for once.
Stupid dream right?
Utsu the Martyr