You know, I've been doing a lot of reading up on how to improve my writiing, role playing, character creation and world building skills lately. It's been fun, informative and even eye-opening. I've been sharing what I find with others so they can also learn and improve. But at some point along the way, the 'fun' part got taken out.
There's been a downside to my studying and reading.
And that is that now I feel like everything I write is totally wrong. I can see so many flaws in all of it, all my role playing, all my short stories...everything. It feels like the people who wrote those articles are doing everything right and I'm doing everything wrong and now I'm so insecure and worried I feel like I can't write a thing. I've been doing everything wrong the whole time...argh.
I feel so scared of making more mistakes and I'm severely embarrassed about the ones I have made and am freaking out trying to figure out how to fix them. I want to go and delete everything I wrote and start over with the new things I'm learning now. The mistakes I made are everywhere on Gaia. .////.
I didn't know about cultural appropriation before but now I do and I'm really embarrassed at even trying to write about my favourite cultures that I love for various reasons. Because the last thing I wanted to do was upset people or misrepresent their culture or steal it or screw things up. x.x But then I don't want to not write about them altogether because I am really interested and passionate about them.
Then again, I feel like I have to prove why I like it or want to write about it and if I can't then I should't be allowed to.
....I don't know...but the articles were helpful in many ways and the rest of it I am struggling with. They kept using a lot of long words that I didn't know and so on top of everything else, I now feel kind of stupid as well. XP I went and looked up most of the words so I could get what they were saying but as I don't normally use those kinds of words and expressions, I usually end up forgetting them again. Anyway, that's a small issue but for an article that is meant to help people, maybe it's only written for others who use that kind of language? Or it's meant to force you to decipher it so you can be at the required level to read it.
I'm a little upset still and more than a bit humiliated so I'm kind of all over the place. But I'm worrying about it all so much that I'm not sure what to fix first or how to go about it.
For instance, here's a few things that are concerning me; I liked Japanese monsters so I decided to write a story about it after doing some research and I shared it on my writing group's website. But then I took it off in case I got something wrong and I'm sure I did...I don't want to misrepresent a culture. One it's embarrassing and I am really ignorant, two, a lot of people might get upset and that;s not what I want my writing to do.
Then there's the fact that some of my characters are probably Mary Sues etc. and I am stressing out wondering how to fix them and also feeling like a moron.
Then there's the fact that I realised I haven't developed my characters well enough or their relationships or anything like it says to.
And then there's the fact that I'm partaking a rp based off an anime I really like and my chara is Japanese (since it was originally set in Japan and I had made an English character because I wanted her to speak a different language than her owner, but then someone decided they didn't want the setting to be canon and so things got a little confusing and she ends up being a Japanese persocom). And am I okay if I'm rping her like what I've seen in the anime or is that representing it wrong and I'm sure there are tons of things I have no idea about and I...just don't know if I should quit the rp or change my character or what I should do and now I'm really uncertain and what should I do?
Overall, right now instead of enjoying writing, I'm feeling mostly sad and embarrassed and very insecure, so it might be a while before I can start role playing or writing again where I actually enjoy it.
I'll go through and try answering the development questions and trying to fix the profiles for my main rpcs and for npcs. And see whether I can continue to write without being paranoid. But for now it's really not fun...