Oddly enough I still get nervous. Every time I come here. Hoping that you would shoot me a message. Even when I'm away for like a week and a half. I log in. Hoping for a message. Knowing that I won't get one... That's the worst part. Waiting for something that you know won't come. I guess life must be good to you. I heard Germany was pretty badass. I wouldn't want to come back to the states either if I lived there. It's been a month. Yet I still think of you. Would it had been better if we crashed in flames? I think that would had been easier for me to move on. Its hard letting go of a good chick. Why couldn't you had been savagely heartless and ruthless to me? Why did you have to kill me with being so kind? Such a good hearted person? Its been about 30 days. A bit more. And I still haven't gotten over you. Its crazy to have loved somebody that lives all the way on the other side of the world, right? These feels. lol. I feel this void of emptiness. Everytime I think about you. I should had followed what you said. And not use my imagination. Remember when I showed you the hills? The snow hills? The one where I sled on and showed you the video? I shouldn't had done that. "Maybe if you come visit me I'll take you sledding with me" I took that to heart. I really believed in us. Man......
But heck. I doubt you even know that I had a journal. I don't think you did. Or at least you didn't show that you knew. A part of me wants you to find out that I do. So you can read the color of my feelings. And know that I was as real to you as I possibly can. I don't know why I feel this way. I'm still struggling with moving on. Struggling with getting over you. Its so hard for me. I'm pathetic, right? Its okay Sammy. You can admit it. No, I'm not going to play the grieve card and try to make you feel like s**t lol. I hate it when people do that. ******** pansies. I'm probably going to delete you off of Facebook too. What's the point of keeping your mule Facebook account? lol. You don't even go on there anyways. You only went on there to talk to me...But now that I'm out of your life. What's the point of going back and using it, right? When you have the one with all of your friends and family....
I think I found one of your mules on Gaia. The one where you traded your Inari Beads to. Don't worry, I would never ask for the gold back. Or "take" the item. I at least want you to keep it as a token of our relationship. For you to remember what we had.......It makes me awfully curious to message that account and see what happens. But you'll probably freak out and call me crazy for finding that account when you never told me. Yeah...Too good of a stalker for my own good. But I understand if you traded it away to that account in fear of me taking it. I won't take it. And if you gaved it to a friend because it reminded you of me, then its okay. But I'm pretty sure that its one of your many mule accounts lol. Smile at the memories, right?
Sometimes I feel like creeping you. Just to see what you've been up to. Its really tempting. But I know that I can't do that. I'll mentally be torturing myself if I do. Its hard enough to get over you as is, why bring more pain; right? I won't creep you. I can't creep you. Why do I want you to read this so bad? Okay. A little test. If you read this Samantha, send me a PM with the title 123. LOL. I kid I kid.......Not really kidding..Excuse me. I'm just wishfully thinking. At least I'm not like that clingy cupatea guy, right? Aha. He is so pathetic. Look at me. Over here. Its the pot calling the kettle black. I can't really do anything but to listen to music and have time go by to heal my wounds. Music soothes the soul, right? I figure I'll get myself some closure.....And that this will be the last time that I'm writing about you...........I think I wrote this entry just to show people how much you meant to me. Well now you know. And hopefully it shows. I'm breaking on the inside. And bawling my eyes out internally. I thought these walls would be strong after a month. But not as strong as I thought they would be. Don't worry. I'm not actually shedding tears. Its all internal. But I guess this is my memory of you. This is the last time. So I dedicate this entry to you Samantha. And hope that the guy your with can make you happy. Its a tongue in cheek thing. I'm secretly hoping that your relationship crashes and burns. Because I'm insecure and selfish. And that guy took away my happiness. I know; I sound incredibly evil. I apologize. But that's how I feel. Maybe one day I can genuinely feel happy for you. And not hold back tears or something. Or anger. And jealousy. I hope you get to read this. Bye Sammy.(:
That felt good. For like 10 seconds. Then I felt like s**t. Oh well. All relationships feel like s**t. Guess I'll just lay down on my bed. With my laptop in hand. Listening to sad songs as I watch time fly by through an hourglass. This journal entry came pretty quick didn't it? Not as long as I thought it would had. Only a month. Thats not so bad. I doubt I'll write one again anytime soon. Only when things get interesting. But thanks for reading. Whoever you are. Enjoy it? I know I may seem like an emotional insecure b***h. But I promise. I'm actually a pretty confident young guy. I hope. That's for you to judge, not me. Anywho. I got that off my chest. I hope you stay tune for the next journal. And I apologize if you had to wait for a week, two weeks, a month, 4 months, 8 months. I write one whenever I feel strongly about something. So. If you read this journal 7 months ago? I appreciate it. Or if you read it just now, I still appreciate it. You got to see a Human expressing itself. And I hope it was fun to you. You can make fun of me, I don't care. But I'll write again. Thanks for reading. I really appreciate it.
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