This is it; this is your life. There's no waiting for tomorrow to bring a better day or waiting on something to save you-- you save you, and if you don't see that, then you're forever doomed to stay as you are, unchanging. Your situation will not improve; the only thing that will change is that the stagnant feeling will progressively overwhelm you.
My family is not very good at changing. For as long as I've known my parents, they've remained the same. My mom's a lazy yapper. My dad has a bad tendency to preach and get defensive. They're both defensive. They only think about themselves, you know; they may say that they see my situation and they feel bad about making me carry the family, but they don't do anything about it.
My dad's looking for a job, sure, and no one's hiring, but I think he's just letting the rejection bring him down and stop him. He saw job offers in California, apparently, but to my knowledge, he hasn't called them. He wants to wallow, and I'm cutting him some slack. I'm not saying anything about it. But I think me cutting him slack is making him sink deeper into whatever depression he's trapped in. And when I do say something about s**t, he gets hurt and upset with me. Well, you need to hear the things you don't want to hear. That smoking of yours? Yeah, it's the reason why your health has deteriorated so much. That, working long hours, and your other addiction, misery. I'm sorry if my down talking made you feel indignant; that is a fault of mine. I am condescending; I get it from you. You always treat me like a kid when I'm old enough to see you're a ******** fool and I've been damned.
My mom doesn't change her habits.
They're so similar, so they should be compatible, but they're not. And I hate them both.
I hate how nothing changes in my family, you know? Even I don't change. I tried to. I've tried being nicer in my tone and not raising my voice, I've been doing that this past week. Stuff keeps getting on my nerves. The silence in this ******** house. It seems bad, because there's arguing going on and stuff, but what the ******** are we arguing about? The moose (I say moose instead of elephants because the problems aren't so ginormous) in the room are never addressed. It's all small talk and it sickens me. I like to get to the point. The point is that stuff is falling apart.
What with the self pity on my dad's part and the selfishness on my mom's part, and just the lack of money that's the shits. If I had the money, I could get health insurance and ******** let my dad see the pulmonologist and cardiologist and nutritionist that he needs to ******** see to get his health in check. Even a ******** therapist, if there were one who spoke Vietnamese, for ******** sake. And I can get my mom the dentures she wants and I can take my dad to the dentist, too, and then I can get my teeth looked at. So many ******** health problems and no money and all this stress, and they wonder why I'm breaking out.
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