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To you, the reader, my significance is just that of a passerby out on a crowded street, or maybe even a mall. You probably did not even remember the last person who walked passed you or even bumped into you. Better yet, perhaps I am even less significant than that. Chances are you have not seen me or even heard me once throughout this lifetime. I have a question, what is the value of life? Is the value of one life more important than the value of another? Is the passerby in the town just as important as your mother or your spouse? With all honesty you probably would not value the stranger as much or more than the person you are familiar with. With that said, why are you still reading this? Have I really captured your attention this far or are you required to read this? I am writing from my brain. There is only one permanent truth that will be comprehended from my words. The truths of today are not the same as the truths of tomorrow. Is that true? Could it really be that the truths do not change but the human does? Alternatively, maybe its just their mind?
Today it has been decided that this book will be a compilation of everything about love, life, guilt, sadness, intimacy and belonging. I have written about the subject so many times and it is all scattered I am ready to organize it just a little.This will be confusing, scattered, dull and interesting. Fact. This book will never be complete and will always grow. Even the past will grow as I find more pages and add them in. I must say that this is very dark reading and lots of whining and complaining. This is nothing more than a compliation. This will never be complete. My only request, don’t judge my past, but see the present and the future. If you begin, please finish. It’s not completely in order and still disorganized.
What comes from love?
I wrote this in October 29, 2005. Four days after hearing the words I Love You from a guy for the first time.
Love is something bittersweet, thus the wonderful and painful things that come from it are endless. What comes from love is a treasure trove of both brilliant and sometimes excruciating experiences. What comes from love varies from person to person. To know, a person must think long and hard of their own experiences, but everyone has their expectations of their own of what comes from love.
From a combination of both, I have realized what should and what does come from love, but it depends on the circumstance. I don’t know much except what I see, feel and know, and how those around me describe it. What comes from love is this indescribable feeling of excitement and happiness waiting for the next moment that they’re together and cherishing the moments that they are together.
What comes from love is knowing that there is someone who is always there even when it’s just for an unimportant conversation. What comes from love is the inspiration and motivation to keep going on when life throws problems, obstacles, and challenges at someone. Also the motivation to do the best to a person’s ability is brought from love.
Love doesn’t just bring about a better state of mind for a person, but it also brings about a friendship which the word is too weak to describe the greatness of it. Love brings people closer together, building a special trust that is rare to find in people. This trust can be for just about everything including, from sharing one's pleasures and pains, to sharing one another's personal things.
The greatest things come from love when love is given and returned, the greatest thing comes from love that is mutual. The worst pain comes when love is incomplete, when it’s only one-sided or unreturned or even hidden. What comes with this kind of love is the feeling of not being worth it. It's a bittersweet feeling, you see that they are happy and you're glad for them, but yet you still have feelings too. What comes from this kind of love is the urge to leave, to let go, to run away, but knowing that this urge can never be fulfilled.
This is only scratching the surface of the many things that can come from love. Love is something that brings both the good and the bad, and both being equally as overwhelming, and because of that people can't just ignore or escape the things that come with love.
April 22, 2013
What really comes from love? The true answer is everything.
What is sex?
“There is a beautiful gift that everyone is only half of. To enjoy to the fullest it must be shared with another. We are incomplete and discovering Love is finding your other half. Marriage is joining these halves together spiritually. Sex is joining these halves together physically. I think that when you hug your other half has hard as you can and still not feel close enough to them, that’s when you can think about joining the souls and the body.”
I am just talking out of my a**, I don’t know s**t. I’ll tell you after I do it…
It didn’t take me long to discover that my life is filled with guilt, lonliness and sadness. Here is my life story according to 8th grade perspective.
My mom was on the phone in the kitchen. She grimaced in worry and sadness saying, "You'll be okay, you'll get through this," I was wondering what was going on. Then, sponataniously when she hung up, she told everyone to Pack up. A few hours later, mom, Roshani, and I were on a plain to England. The plaine was big and had a tv and radio. It was fun. I played my Gameboy, watched Tarzan and listened to the radio.
THe next day, we were at Nana's house in England. I found out my grandma was in the hospital. The docterns knew that Nani, my grandma was dying but they were always beeting around the bush. Everyday, many relitives were at the hospital visiting her.
Rekha and I visited everyday. We were both living on false hope, thinking that when Nani woke up, we would eat a big bowl of chicken curry, dal and roti, like she promised when she visited. Rekha and I made up a song called Pork Butts and Tators.
July 14, 2001. Nani dies on my mom's aniversari. I picked out her earing s for her creamations rituals. I sang Tume Ho Mata at her Puja. I practicd the day before at my Aunty Joni's house. Ironically I cried when she was in hospital but not when she was dead. I don't know why, but I thought that she was in a better place. I went to my Aunty Joni's house again with my brother and siser. Naresh, my brother started walking for the first time there. We were all proud of hi.
One week later. Mom goes to work and gets laid off. School starts and I meet a girl named Dayna. Jack and Emily fight a lot at our table and it's funny to listen to. Dayna and I have a sleepover before Christmas and I start watching a TV series, Charmed. I write a book called Christmas gone wrong and my teachers reccomend that I publish it. I origanilly wrote the charactors based on Rekha, and I, but kids at school request I base it on them, so I change it around. Tara invites me to sit at her table. Alex and Mike become my friends. We have gross out contests and I speak Chinese to Karin and Howard.
Christmas 2001. Dad gets laid off. House is up for sale. I fail two subjects and get dententions for homework. My grades are all Cs and below.
I joined Robotics. It was fun. I helped build and program, but the team members are a bit stupid. At the tournament, they put the robot in water to see if it would work and it doesn't. I meet a friend from my old school at the tournament. Sarah Lyons. I get her phone number. This time, I passed most of my classes and and built cool things in woodshop, like a mirror window, buisness card holder, plaque, and other things.
Summer 2002, Nani's jandi, dead work. Meet Scott, Valmiki and his little brother. Scott was nice, he left early. Valmiki was my partner when I was flower girl when I was 8 years old. I met him this summer and he was tall, and very nice. I liked him. He talked in this mysterious way and he was tall. I burnt him a CD but unfortunatley it took too long, and I kept it for myself. I found out that he was the pandit's son and he sang a song at the Jandi. He said I sang better. First, he opened the door, and I was dressed in my night clothes. He actually remembered my name. We were talking for hours and listened to music. Then, when the Puja started, I wore my best Lengha. It was the color red. He said I looked beautiful in it. He looked good in his Kurta. The Jandi goes on fro three days two nights.
After the Puja, Rekha and I kept running away from Valmiki and locked him out. I kinda felt sorry for him having to spend the night listening to Bhajans and Dhoons, in the living room while all the girls were in mom's room. Natasha said I was her favorite Aunty and I felt great. One time, I made this reading chair and she liked it. She read one of my goosebumps book on my reading chair.
We go to Texas to look for a new house. Texas is hot and the roads are white. How ugly. We come back to New Jersey without a house in mind. Party for going away comes. Day before that, Asha sleeps over for second time, it was fun. Asha helps me prepare for party. Asha, Samantha, Hennie, Alex, Dayna, Alex, Tara, Howard all ocme. Alex, Alex, and Howard built a tent out of the pool and slip n slide and hide. I pour a soda on ALex, he burps loudly and pours soda on me. I push him in the pool with the soda in it. Tara and I fix the music.
Rekha an dI have a sleepover the next day. We go to Six Flags, Nauticle Mile, movies and for a walk. Then we played the Sims and stuffed on Pizza.
We go to TExas one more time. No houses foudn yet. Naomi takes me to water park with Nickolas and Roshani. WE have fun and then go home with a big huge cookie.
One last sleepover with Rekha, we did the same thing except for the Six Flags thing. When we went back to my house, there was nothing left but boxes and furniture and moving men moving the boxes and furnature to truck.
We go to Texas, nine days to find a house because of the moving men. Mom and Dad picks a house. I can't believe it. my bedroom furnature would never fit in my normal sized bedroom. I used to have a huge bedroom. I blasted music in the new empty house on the first day. I pick wall paper for my sister and I. I'm bored for the rest of the one month cut short summer vacation. I go to the mandir as much as I can to reherse for the Krishna festivle.
SChool starts. I hate school. Too many rulses and this shitty ID card. (Notice I started cursing when I started living her) I ain't wearing it. I know who I am. She second day of school was my birthday. I made a new friend named Lisa. We talked a lot. Next day, Lisa sits with me at lunch. Other people join the table. Norceli and others. They all speak in Spanish, I am left out. Some other people threw food at me. I went to the school dance.
It was boring, but I did make two friends, Autumn and Mandy. I sit with them at lucnh. I still didn't know if they would include me so I brought a book.
Rekha and I talked on IM. I wrote an essay and MRs. Huff liked, she asked me if I would like to go to a PRe AP (upper level) class. I switched to all Pre AP classes except for math.
A blond haired boy in my new classes teases me and I gues the word is flirts. He messes with my ahir and he thinks I'm smart. One day he lifts me up and hugs me. I was shocked and surprised. I strated to have a crush on him. FIrst he says his name is Bill, then he says his name is Nick. He is a Cheerleader when the volleyball tournament comes.
I told Autumn that I might have a crush on Jaime, but I wasn't sure. She jokingly asks Jaime to go to Valentines dance with me. I'm not allowed to go to Valentines dances. He stips toalking to me until early April.
I become friendswiht Nathan, Kati and Jonna. But I feel a bit left out. Autumn stays with me when something happens to her parents. Her mom is in jail and her dad is in Oklahoma. She was going to move to Joplin Missouri, but her mom didn't pay a bill. Autumn is taken away and put in a house for kids. And then she lives with her dad. I meet this girl named Renee. She tells me a lot of stories. I become friends whith her and she tells me about fanfiction. I write my one one for Gargoyles.
House is still up for sal. Found out that in three months the Unemployment money runs out. House must sell before then or else there will be trouble.Parents can't afford to live here.
I write a letter to Nick telling him I have a crush on him. It is anynomous. Kurstan tells him that I wrote it. Amber tells Taylor. Taylor makes fun of me. I'm afraid to be around Nick. He gets a hair cut. Then he asks Torchi out. I get a letter from Jonathan in my locker. I have a feeling he likes me. I don't like him that way. He writes me another letter, saying he likes me. NOOO Very Ironic. I'm not aloudto have black boyfriends. Why? There was a riot in Guyana because of the Indian President. A group of black people cut pregnat women's bellies open and pulled the baby out and ripped them apart from the legs. That’s what my dad says. I guess I'll tell Jonathan that I like him just as a friend only.
Mom and dad are fighting. They're thinking of divorcing again. They haven't talked ot each other for a week now.
I talk to Mrs. Glavan about a few issues. I'm glad I can go to her for help. I went to her before telling her about Renee sexually harrassing me earlier in the year.
My uncle has cancer. Nobody told me until the day he gets surgery. TAKS testing going on now. They're easier than I thought they'd be.
Kiss FM come to our school. First I ate a bit. then I went through the obsticle lcourse and beat Taylor. Then I danced with Kurstan and won Tickets to Kiss Party 2003. Mom is now talking to me again. During the weekend, I rode my bike to Walker Elementry. The Next day, I went to some swimming place. Don Rodingburg Natatorium or something like that.
IT was cool it had a whurl pool and water slide.
At school I was messing with Renee's hair, (a different Renee, this one is a girl). Then Allen messes with my hair. I messed his hair back. We talked for a while and Jaime says we would make a good couple. I don't really know how I feel, I'm confused when it comes to those things, and maybe scared to lose a good friend.
NExt day, I got my seat changed finally after I told Mrs. Glavan. She told Mrs. Farr for me.
We're reading To Kill a Mocking Bird in ELAR. It's such a bor.
My opinions: I love the TV Show Gargoyles, after all the problems, I feel better when I watch it. I like Allen, though he is a bit strange, that's what I like about him.
Yesterday, I was IMing. My sister lied and said she was mom. Today a boy named William said he liked me. I was very surprised. I can' tgo out with him because he is black. Why is it that the people I'm not allowed to go out with, asks me out? If my mom and dad found out, they would be very ticked off.
Since I'm allowed to wear make up finally, I think I will start once in a while.
Today I sat on the bus alone and I was thinking that maybe I'm a little like Demona in Gargoyles, because I am alone and misunderstood.
William at lunch, I saw. I waved at him and he waved at me, for a long time.
Is it okay to hate life in general? Because I do.
IToday I called a lot of people idiosyncratically morbid. I called Tayyab that twice. I shook the dice and Tayyab picked them up in a project in Science.
Late for a school again. today. No attention drawn thank goodness. Before I came to school, mom and dad lectured me about how smart I am. But currently I feel like a low life. they want me to take College courses in High School. I have asked Kamilah to make a cover for this Diary with her Colorific Markers. She didn't. The video in Science we're watching is the best. I asked Ana to make a diary cover for me and she did. Thank her.
Puck is my favorite Gargoyle Charactor. Renee can draw Cartoon charictors great. I asked her to draw Puck for me. She said she would soon. We have a bitchy substitute in Mrs. Brasseaux class. She yeelded at me for sitting with friends. Everoyle else got away with it.
Looking forward to the concert. Yeah! Being weird can be fun. I asked the lunch table group if they had a pet a**. It was funny. I feel like rying because I feel that teachers are thinking of me as a trouble maker.
I let Kamilah borrow my IQuest. She got it taken away by Mrs. Glavan. I almost started to cry in class.
From now on I promise myself to be normal and not silly.
The question that tortureously goes through my mind is, "What will the future hold for me?" I have a cavity in my tooth. It hurts like hell. Can't go to dentist because it cost too much. I hope that mom gets a paycheck soon.
An outsider looking in would think that my life ain't good, but sometimes I love it. Yesterday for the first time since July 16, 2002, I went inside a friends house. WE baby sat a lot of kids. It was jun. WE played with three balls and then I wen tto Lory Ann's house. Saturday was boring. We went to Indian Grocery store. Then went to KFC for Mother's day.
What upsets me is that Tayyab called me a dork. Well he's a ******** a*****e. How dare he call me a dork and then be right about it.
I think I've changed ever since we moved to Texas. Yeesterday at the mall, Lifetime for women were there. WE got free samples.
Today Allen and I were sayign Hello repiticously. I t was funny. Then he asked me if I was Indian. He actually wen to India. OMB!! I'm glad he actually knew. Unfortunatlely he has/had a gril friend. I hope they still don't like each other that way still. But then again maybe not. I like Allen a lot. I guess I do have a crush on him.
Some Bad things: Rennee is really mad at me. I feel abad about that. That is why I want to be normal. All I did was mess with her hair again and she stops talking to me for a frikken month. Maybe I am a dork in eighth grade. Maube I should leave this school. I hate my life.
Renee - I want to stop the fight but I can't do anything. Renee is just overreacting. And I was jmust playing. Kati and Nathan and the rest of the table don't like her, I am the only one who is a loyal friend. But she just doesn't see that. I had high respects for her but it is dripping. Lunch was okay. Allen was messing with my hair so I messed with his hair in return. I go t yelle dat. I remeber at the beggining of the year I was thinking how hard it is not having friends. Now I realise that having friends is even worst. Next year, in Florida I will end up missing this crappy place and calling Florida Crappy too. No place in the ******** Universe will compare to 5 Myers Court, my old house. Don't get attached to anything because with the snap of a finger or should I say arrogent rich guy, the think you love will be ripped away from you.
Math is very boring. BOO! Substitute that looks lika a skeleton, My opinios=ns : No matter how much I try I am always second best. I hate Courtney. Jonathan is no longer talking to me as much. He is talking more to Courtney. Courtney got jealous when Jonathan asked me to the school dance that she pushed me and danced with him.
Kurstan is funny he was showing Brittany a milk shake. I hate Courtney , but it isn't in my way to show her I do. Remember the Renee who sexually harassed me? Well he fingered Courtney and she enjoyed it. b***h b***h BJournalsim is boring We did nothing today. Sometimes I wonder what It would be like to be a majority instead of this Guyanese West Indian Hindu that I am. It seems like it would be fun and free. They can do things I can't and they have their kind that they hang out with and congregate. Even the Muslims have their own group. I only know one person in this school who is a Hindu and he is a geaky quiet boy who don't talk much. Why did we ove here? Because there woulb be more Guyanese here, /but I know no personal Guyanese around my age group.Why am I here. I hate this hell hole! I hate being thirteen I get feelings I don't like. Like crushes on boys. That's the worst because I'm not supposed to . I hat ethe fact that I moved here because all my good friends are in New Jersey. The worst part is that they don't keep in touch with me. Renee and i, i wish we weren't fighting. I don't liek it. I feel bad. I didn't write back to Autumn. Renee and I , I don't know if we're still fighting. I realise that I too have a goal. It is for Farewell to Faubion Play.
There is no use, the hsoeu will defenately not get sold. I found out tha tthe TAg Mahal was a Shive Temple.
I want to runaway form home. I will all and say I'm staying after but really I have nothing to do. Maybe I'll stay after and wait with everyone.Saturday I stayed at cousin NAome's house. Uncle made me drink milk and practive singing lessons. I played Durge Dhoon on Harmonium and sang at the sam etime. Pretty hard but fun and it sounded good. Nickolas played the Dholak simotaniously. Sunday. Woke up 6AM to clean house. People were gonna look at it 9AM. THey never came. to alate to go to Mandir. Stayed home on computer and watch TV and clean some more. Then, I put make up on and went with mom to concert. Mom told me things like why she was thnking of divorcing. Memoreis of what mom had told me. Grand pa made a pass on both her and Nani. barged in while they were changing. Rafik was mom's boyfriend when she was a kid. Her dad forbade it because he was Muslim. Muslims forced Hindus to convert in India many years ago.
Mom and I used to be best friends. She ways mas scoon as school was over. I told my mom what kind of boyfriend I want. She said I described my dad when he was younger.itch b***h b***h b***h b***h. Dirty b***h
Stacie is a good friend who is trustworty. She was the first to read my diary. I can't wait to finish my story. It is so far ninty five pages. Yeah!
Journalsim is boring We did nothing today. Sometimes I wonder what It would be like to be a majority instead of this Guyanese West Indian Hindu that I am. It seems like it would be fun and free. They can do things I can't and they have their kind that they hang out with and congregate. Even the Muslims have their own group. I only know one person in this school who is a Hindu and he is a geaky quiet boy who don't talk much. Why did we ove here? Because there woulb be more Guyanese here, /but I know no personal Guyanese around my age group.Why am I here. I hate this hell hole! I hate being thirteen I get feelings I don't like. Like crushes on boys. That's the worst because I'm not supposed to . I hat ethe fact that I moved here because all my good friends are in New Jersey. The worst part is that they don't keep in touch with me. Renee and i, i wish we weren't fighting. I don't liek it. I feel bad. I didn't write back to Autumn. Renee and I , I don't know if we're still fighting. I realise that I too have a goal. It is for Farewell to Faubion Play.
There is no use, the hsoeu will defenately not get sold. I found out tha tthe TAg Mahal was a Shive Temple.
I want to runaway form home. I will all and say I'm staying after but really I have nothing to do. Maybe I'll stay after and wait with everyone.Saturday I stayed at cousin NAome's house. Uncle made me drink milk and practive singing lessons. I played Durge Dhoon on Harmonium and sang at the sam etime. Pretty hard but fun and it sounded good. Nickolas played the Dholak simotaniously. Sunday. Woke up 6AM to clean house. People were gonna look at it 9AM. THey never came. to alate to go to Mandir. Stayed home on computer and watch TV and clean some more. Then, I put make up on and went with mom to concert. Mom told me things like why she was thnking of divorcing. Memoreis of what mom had told me. Grand pa made a pass on both her and Nani. barged in while they were changing. Rafik was mom's boyfriend when she was a kid. Her dad forbade it because he was Muslim. Muslims forced Hindus to convert in India many years ago.
Mom and I used to be best friends. She ways mas scoon as school was over. I told my mom what kind of boyfriend I want. She said I described my dad when he was younger.
Yesterday the concert was fun. It was the first one I've ever been to. First we sat on the lawn at the very back. We didn't see the people that well. Then, 'they were giving out tickets free so we attempted got get them. Then, these fat Chinese people took our seets. By that time, we saw the muth Sistersand Wayne WOnder performed. WE stood at the ramp and saw Amanda Perez sing. The Police came and arrested a group of people smoking weed. Kelly Clarkson sang the worst. She creemed on the Microphone. WE got bored and looked around. Then, we saw Bowling For Soup and me and some others cheared and got our pictures taking. They sang Complicated, Angel (shaggy) and Jenny from the Block. It was funny. Then, n we looked around and saw a way in to the front row. We snuck in and saw Fabolous. He was only wearing boxer shorts and a necklace. It was fun. And that was basicaly it. These kids droped their Camera and we found it and gave it to them. AFter everyone left, the Lawn was covered with garbage.
Renee is a major b***h. She thinks that she can treat people like they're a piece of s**t and then be all nice two weeks later. ******** her to hell! I want to cry right now because of the constant fighting at home. Life is just a hell hole filled with low lives and s**t heads!
At least I have a few true friends. Ever since that day I cried in Gym I made a friend I could confide in. Stacie. I trust her 100%.
I'm looking forward to Farewell to Faubion. I hope to get to dance at least once with Kurstan on the last dance of school. I promise myself that I will try to ask him to dance with me.
I hate my life. Everything and everyone is an a*****e. You know what, maybe I should do something to prove my dad right that I am bad. Dad says I'm gone, basically that means there's no changing that bitcch. She ain't part of the family. He keeps calling me fat, lazy a**, gone, and expects me to respect him. What a d**k head he is. Farewell to Faubion tomorrow. Right now I'm crying. I don't want to stay home all three months of summer vacation with my parents. I'm thinking of asking mom If I can spend part of the summer with my cousin Rekha. I do miss her a lot. We think that the next time we see each other will be when one of us will get married.
People may think that I can't keep a secret well I can. I kept my whole life secret for many years.Only now, when times are ruff, I'm confiding in someone. Maybe this shitty school made me weak.
Maybe I sould prove my parents right, break every single rule and do as I please. But in doing so would ruin my future. I have big plans fo rmy future. that Is
Go to a good school Study in teaching, writing, technology, engineering, robotics Make money Get married Adopt a child

I dream of my husband to be like this

tall, dark long waivy hair, athletic,

respectful, loyal, weird as me, like hugs, same ethnicity/religion so parents would apreciate him, love me, trustworthy, caring

His parents would accept me
Wanna know what dad did? He banged on the door and I asked what, he said he said, "I'm gonna kick your a**! Tha tman is such an a*****e.
When I look in the mirror, I see a low life girl who's thinking of a way to relieve herself of everything. I don't want people to come separate the family. All my whining and complaining is just me being an over- reacting b***h who can't control herself and thinks I'm retarted.
I trusted my mom, I tell her everything, but she she uses what I say agianst me,
I'm getting angrier and angrier and maybe going to be crazy soon.
I was reading my beloved little brown book and I learned a lot. You were put on the earth to have self relization. And I believe that I should learn a lot from it.
Mom and dad ain't bad people they're just under a lot of pressure. I asked a girl named Becky on IM, I don't know her and she gives me a lot of advice. One of which was to talk to a relitive. So I'm going to.
I've been loading on candy for a while now. But now when I eat it, my hands shake an dI get this weird feeling in my chest, like excitement.
I found out that my friend is bisexual. I can't belive it.
I tried meditating and it makes me feel different. I highly recomdend it. Oh hell, it's 11:46, gott asleep.
I dreamed that I was at Faubion Library. Nani was on a hospital cot with fluids being pumped into her. Just how I remembered in the hospital. She woke up and I told her everything that hapened while she was gone. I told her everything and sadly I told her that this is the time I needed her hte most. I wish she was still alive. I told her everything, now I'm telling a complete stranger on IM and a friend at school. She thinks I'm going crazy. I think I'm too. I'm relaxing with Gargoyles Theme song music right now. Mark of the Panther is the best.
Farewell to Faubion. I am bored right now. First period, watching boring move. Alan stole my marker. He is annoying, childish, yet funny and nice. Whatever.
I'm mad at my dad still. He is insulting me.
At school dance, people danced in a perverted way. I NJ, only like 2- 3 people danced like that. The rest danced normal.
I slowdanced last slow song with Jaime. Brenna although I had fun, kept trying to spoil it. Brenna told my parents I slowdanced with Jaime. My mom said I'm not allowed. Mom wasn't as mad as I expected, but I'm nervous.
Something Ironic about Farewell to Faubion Ceremony. I sat next to Nick's parents. Yesterday Aunty Doreen and Uncle Dagu and Nicolas came over. Nickolas and I were in Big Lots with Naresh. THen I found my flute from Sixthgrade. I can still play songs efficiantly. I'm trying to learn how to play Duge Dhoon on it. Then at the Mandir, I'll play it while Nickolas plays the Dholak and Uncle Dagu on harmonium and Roshani sings with croud. I can't wait.
My story is is coming along good. This may sound stupid but I think I still have a crush on Nick.
I can't belive Brenna told mom I danced with Jaime. I got in so much trouble. Brenna, I thought she and I were best of friends. No, I am cursed to having no close friends. We got in an arguement today.
I'm tolerent of her, she ain't of me. Fine, I do't need friends like her.
Why am I so silly? I can't even go to my own mother, she would never understand. I think I'm going to go back to the Nalini I was at the beginning of the year. I was quiet, shy, unique, silly, peculiar, sighlent, alond, Nalini starting today.
s**t I contradicted my self at the same minute. Renee and I are talking again. Our seets have changed in math. I my story I added charactors from school and so far most people in Mrs. Farr's class are in it.
I am called TheUnnamedDemon, on the internet everywhere I go. I am called weird, or freak everywhere I go. I try to figure things out and people say I think too much. I am human who's mind is quite old for this body. I lack family, friends, and that mental manual that everyone else in this world claims to have because they believe that they know more about themselves and the world than anyone else does. I know that I am not better than everyone else, but I do know that I am very different from the other beings on this earth. I have gone through so much, i have seen so much, I have kept so many secrets.
My first complaint about myself. I think I’m just a little slower than everyone else. I’m told I have a scar in my brain which makes me shake sometimes and get anxiety attacks. People who claim to be my friends, insult me to my face and think that I do not understand that they are doing this. They take advantage of me.
Being weird caused me to feel just a bit inferior to them. That caused me to always want to help others to prove something of myself. But that just caused everyone to use me like a tissue.
They all got a laugh out of the little hyper girl. They all got a laugh out of insulting her. But most of all, they all got a laugh out of getting something from her and then trying to humiliate her in front of people.
But she never let them know how she felt. She always had a smile on her face no matter what they did or said.
My second complaint about myself. My dad and my little sister. There was this little girl who used to know me like no one else did. Through out childhood until the age of ten, I had a very best friend, who loved me and treated me right. That was my little sister. She was the best person I have ever met in this lifetime. My lifestyle was always one that was to stay at home and be with family. I never had a friend outside of home. Not even friends at school. But my mind was always occupied with the present that I never thought about being alone or without friends. My friends were who were inside the house. My parents liked it that way because they never wanted to be bothered with having friends at the house or me going out to my friend house.
My sister was more in-tuned with what was going on outside the house, and she is five years younger than me. She made friends with these twins that lived next door. She then learned that siblings are not to be at peace. She also learned that I was not normal. Dad encouraged her to be friends with people outside of the house. So our sisterly bond was slowly deteriorating.
There were our times when my sister and I would have fun and play together nicely, but dad would say some words of complaint against me and she would fight with me. Then dad would start yelling at me for causing the fight.
All I wanted was a friend out of my sister and my dad wanted to stir up fights between us.
My third complaint about myself. My friends taken away from me. Before my sister was born, and while my sister was still a baby, I had two friends out of my cousins, who were also part of friends inside the house. We used to play and hang out and had fun. But they were two little boys, and I was a girl. Basically I was a little girl with the manners equal to that of a little boy. And it was completely normal for them and me. As kids get older and learn new things, they started to realize that I was a bit of a naive child that was a bit too weird and was a little annoying girl.
But that didn;t stop them from being my friends as well as cousins. But what did stop that was a feud between my parents and theirs. Now I have no cousins that I am allowed to socialize with on my dad’s side. And my mom;s side of relatives are too far away and there is a feud on her side of the family too.
My third complaint about myself. Middle school, friends, family and happiness. I moved to middle school. I made friends, I enjoyed myself. I found a group of people who were just as hyper, and fun as I was. Though my grades were average I had friends who respected me for who I was and I was not considered the idiot. But then, we had to move.
Then I lost all my friends, what was left of my relatives, and my sister, not to mention my grandmother who died just one year before the move. My parents had lost their job also which caused them to be under a lot of stress.
What better way to relieve stress then to take it out on me? They even admitted to doing that. We had moved to Texas and my dad had grown this hate towards me for some reason. He with his constant “I hate you” or “You’re fat” or “You’re dumb” (insert curse word(s) here).
That’s all I would hear from him. Put downs and insults and then him trying to get my mom involved in doing the same. Isn’t it great to be a part of a pack that is against you. If you can’t t beat them, join them. My parents hate me and I developed a huge hate for myself.
They couldn’t afford to stay in Texas, so we moved to Florida.
Things got better and I got a job with my mom, streaked my hair, and though I still had those “I’m fat” obsessions, I was happy.
So I told my mom that I was having really bad cramps and diarrhea. A stomach virus and I pooped snot and blood. She said I was just on my period and to stop being stupid.
My Fourth Complaint about myself. That’s Who I am. I starved myself and limited what I ate for a long time. That caused my teeth to become weak, and one of them cracked and broke off. My jaw clicks and pops perhaps TMJ. I became a vegetarian became Iron Deficient Anemic. Started getting heavy menstruating. Still am fat. This is disgusting, don’t tell anyone, but , I keep getting this terrible stomach virus. It goes away and comes back My stomach hurts a lot and I get black diarrhea but it looks weird and with my heavy period. I hate it because when it goes away, I gain weight again. Don’t waste the doctors time, you just need to eat better says my parents.
I reflect back and think to myself how stupid I am, but remembering my state of mind, I realize how determined I was to prove that I was something I am not. And that is, as good as everyone else.
Everyone was born smart, pretty and into a family that loves them, at least for the most part. But I was born into a body in which is ugly, fat, slow, and not good for anything and into a family that does not welcome this terrible body.
I envy the wolf. I love the wolf. The wolf is the greatest and luckiest animal in the world. Wolves are born into packs and are welcomed unconditionally. Why couldn’t I be a wolf. They’re re so graceful, so family oriented. So beautiful and mysterious.
There was this one guy. He asked me out. I trusted him, and he used me. He only asked me out to prove to the school that he wasn’t gay. Guess what? he is gay. But guess what, I didn’t go out with him and he moved.
I trusted him, but I told him that I could never be anything to him but a friend. That Is because my parents would never allow me to get into a relationship outside of the race. They say that they would disown me if I did.
My fifth complaint about myself. Falling in love and finding out it’s not my fault. I met this guy who I feel like I’ve known all my life, or at least was great friends some time before. I really did like him, I think I love him.
He quickly became my best friend and I just had to tell him that I liked him. So one day I told him to call me. He did and I chickened out and told him I would call him the next day.
I finally told him I liked him and he never gave me a reply. We were still great friends. And he became someone who taught me a lot about the world.
I told him my deepest secret that I never told anyone. I told him about my feelings towards the death of my grand mother. I knew that she was murdered, and I knew who murdered her and who helped. And that if I told anyone that that could cause a lot of controversy in her family.
Feelings of October 19, 2005
I am what everyone sees me as. Stupid, fat, ugly, b***h and everything else they call me. My own family doens't love me, in fact they don't want me around. I'm not starting the fights, I am only calling back names in retaliation. My sister enjoys stirring fights between dad and I. My mom is two faced and hates me. My dad always hated me. And nobody cares about my feelings. I am not allowed to love and I am unloved. My family doesn't care about me. My friends don't know me. None of my friends call me, unless it's to return my call. I have to call them. Not one of them calls me. My family only calls me downstaris when they want me to clean the kitchen. And when I finish they say it doesn't count because they had to tell me to. When I do do it without them telling me, they act like I never did it and/or my sister claims that she does it and everyone thinks she's so great. My friends, sometimes I feel that I pushed myself onto them and they never wanted me around. I think everyone would be happier if I wasn't around. I just screw things up and I am not even welcomed or wanted. and it's not that I'm starving myself, it's just that I just never feel hungry, or it hurts to eat, or when there's food in front of me i feel like i'm forcing myself to eat. well except at school because i can't do schoolwork or ride my bicycle or be normal without eating something. so I am bound to even food.
I have no reason to live.
I am unloved, unwanted and unneeded.
I have no purpose, my goals my dreams my inspiration all crushed.
I just get in the way and never do anything right.
I don't even like myself how could others.
There is no way that things could even get better so why am I here and trying to change things and waiting for change.
I don't care anymore if my family doens't want me or love me or care about my feelings.
My feelings don't count anyway.
Everything is draining me. I have no happiness anymore.
I am so unsure about myself anymore.
I want to get away from home,school, my family, my friends and be in a totally different environment for a while. But I am trapped.
Calm before the Storm
Yesterday seemed to be the calm before the storm. I came in late and took an english vocab test. Everyone was so beautiful. Second period we finished watching Uncle Tom's cabin and talked about the civil war. In third period I slept in Algebra class. Mrs. Moore actually didn't tuck her shirt in today. In fourth period we read about the brain and I ran to lunch. There was a rock band playing. I had written cards for everyone but I forgot to give it to them. It said Best of wishes for you and your family. Be safe have fun and good luck during the hurricanes. Nestor gave me a piggy back ride. Ashley and I talked and walked at lunch. Rondalee and I played ring around the rosey. Everyone was beautiful. I miss David, he wasn't here most of the week at lunch. The rock bad was awesome at lunch. Spanish class was boing. ROTC was long. I was lectured on bringing my grades up and it gave me a reality check. The pep ralley was fun.Nestor had purple hair and he was afraid of falling. Everyone was purple. After school I stayed at robotics and they ordered pizza. We waited for pizza and Juan was upset. Juan and I ran through the rain as he confound in me. I yelled at him and I guess it was right because he understood. He calmed down and we ran through the rain bare foot. Then we went back to robotics as he went to ROTC. We ate pizza and i drank mountain dew. I did a toast telling everyone to take care and be safe and best wishes for them and their family during the hurricanes. They thought I was weird and mocked me. I was about to go home but i had to get my stuff, but the doors were locked. I went home and my dad insulted me when i got in the car because i couldn't get my bag from the locked classroom. My dad doesn't like me. he said he wants nothing to do with me. my mom says so about my dad too. my dad says i'm a lost cause...he's right. They said they’re not my parents and they don’t want to be.
I Love You but the Very Thought of that is Dispicable
I am going to act like I never heard it. Now I truly believe that the curse I mentioned before is real. Damn it hurts...
From going about two years hearing that the very thought is scary to now hearing that it's returned.
It's unfair to let me know this because how am I supposed to take it. It hurts.
When I heard it, I felt a burst of butterflies in my stomach, I hid under my covers with the phone at my ear. It was a bittersweet feeling. He said that it had to be forgotten because of the circumstances.
Although the words can be forgotten, is the feeling?
I want to still give him hugs, sit on his lap and have him come over and hang out but now I feel that it is more so wrong than it is.
Broken Soul

My broken soul hears your voice calling
And slowly it pieces itself together
As it hears your comforting voice shining like the moon
A beautiful reflection of the sun yet
At the same time it’s own style and path
Surrounding the world which can give us life
Or add to our wounds opened daily
By the ongoing cycle of life
Which is truly only darkness a path
Which is filled with uncertainty just like fire
Which ever going flame's movement
Is always different sometimes bigger than smaller
Until it's nothingness like hope which is my light
That leads me to the end of the tunnel
Which is knowing that you're there for me
Like the breath of a tree to a human
But I hope I am the breath of a human to you the tree
Who listens to my every words and comforts thee
Without telling a soul like when in silent prayer to god
Which is unheard by all the rest
Which holiness is as auspicious as my feelings towards you
Who is oblivious to it or seems to act that way like a puppet
Without feelings moved only to keep the audience happy
Which is the other people who questions your feelings
Towards everyone constantly
Which is the same question in my mind flowing
Like the ever going waterfalls which waters separate
Into other thoughts and then connects back into the main stream
Like ever going roots repeating and repeating growing and growing
Like a mirror reflecting a mirror like the moon reflecting the sun
Yet is its own beauty like every human with a dim flame
And broken soul piecing itself together
Like me pieced together once I hear your voice
Telling me those words of your feelings towards me
He tried to kiss me and I turned my head. He can’t kiss me and I can’t kiss him. He put his arms around me and although I enjoyed it, it hurt so much because it was wrong. I don’t belong here. I don’t belong in his arms. I don’t deserve to enjoy his warmth or his affection. I told him to leave me alone, I told him to back of or I would go. He told me if I leave him he could kill himself. I can’t leave him. I don’t want to but this is so wrong. I’m torn apart. Don’t hurt yourself, don’t kill yourself, I’ll always be there for you but it hurts.
Dec 5, 2005
Two weeks ago my mom and dad said that they would try and make things so that there wouldn't be fights in the house. nothing ever changed. but i realise now the opinions my parents and sister has of me.
Everything hurts and I feel weak. Stomach virus and heavy period. I think I’m dying. Hope. "How does it feel to know that everybody in this family hates you," Roshani says.
My mom accuses me of lying when I tell her everything in the world.
My dad just altogether treats me like an animal.
Everyone tells my brother to call me things and he does it in public.
I am a lost cause...I have turned into a duel personality zombie with a one track mind. I will do whatever it takes to get my family back.
Dreams: I wanna start an anime store or convention, I wanna be a teacher, I want to be a published writer. I want a family. I want to love and be loved.
General Statement
I am being torn apart. I am conflicted between two responses, two reactions, two ways to handle situations. Sometimes I wish that I could just divide myself into two and handle things differently.
Why do I always submit, be passive and just take the bullshit.
Nalini Chandani Sara Narine
Nalini is the clumsy passive idiot who just takes it fused with all others in an imbalanced way.
Chandani is the graceful beautiful music loving, dancer, singer, smart girl.
Sara is the aggressive, sexy, selfish, confident girl.
Narine is the reminder that I don’t belong, shouldn’t have been born and will never be happy. ******** all of the ideas. I wish to be Nasaya the inner me who leaves my family and their bullshit, give all the assholes at school a piece of my mind, pursue my talents and ******** those it doesn’t please, and do whatever the ******** I want.
I tried to kill myself, I failed, was chased by police and my mom’s car, I feel scrapped up my knees really bad. I think pieces of my jeans are in my skin.
My problem is that everyone in my life, I see them closer to me than they see me to them. I am just one to be used or to be shunned or tricked and be hurt hurt by them for their fun. I put sho much hope and trust in the friends I have and I usually find out that it's not true friendship.
Friendship? What is that? It's a one way thing. I put my life on puase for every one of them who needs something or wants something, I try so hard to help even if I always fail and yet none of them have ever helped me when I'm in need. None of them care and I'm just alone.
Alone, that's what I have been my whole life, alone. Parents weren't around, siblings were always against me. Wasn't alowed to have friends. When I was alowed to have friends, I was a complete weirdo and I was shunned. The friends that I thought I made, always ended up betraying me, or just using me or would make fun of me or talk about me behind my back.
I hate going to school. I hate being the weird one, or the dumb a** one or the one who's always left behind. There is nobody to live for, what is the point of living.
“ People don’t define you, you do. Live for yourself, and love others.”
God I wish I knew and understood this.
Lonesome Darkness

Darkness consumes the vision
For it's all that the eyes can see
Once thought of as perhaps a mission
But positive outcomes will never be.

Friends were life's will
Yet betrayal caused it's pause
Alone to stand still
Trapped in the catalyst of darkness's claws

A magnified mirror sees things closer than they appear
As did the the once unclouded eyes of hope and love
Soon those eyes filled with water and with a tear
The lonesome darkess to never be free of

Trapped in a cage only to be shunned
An outcast amongst family and peers
The quarreling and the insults can leave a person stunned
Reality is the darkness of the worst fear

The unconditional bonds a family a friend
Is always giving and one sided
Used and unseen until the end
Yet for now embracing the end is undecided.

Darkess is the doubt that fills the mind
And the illness both physical and mental
Is there a light thats there to find
Which will guide and be gentle

For the time being I lay still
Alone and uncertainty is my all
As for everything I've had my fill
Weighted with darkness I will fall.
Secret Place to Get Away
It was dangerous and close to death, sitting ont the edge, the danger added a bueaty to it. It was also tresspassing and behind a closed gate nd very camoflauged, hard to find. But getting there was rewarding a serene quiet place with no sounds of the busy streets and the noisey people. Just the wsounds of the breeze and tghe beautiful ever changing scene of the river and the trees. This was that special place where I could get away from all distractions and think and be at peace. No restraints no interferance just my own thoughts to bring me down. I woke up and took a shower and got dressed. I filled four bottles with water and put it in my emptied backpack. I placed my CD player in there and my pckerts with some change. I wrote a note and took a walk. Waiting at the bus stop. I thought maybe i got there too late. I saw an old man riding his bike down the streeet and i asked him for the time. He did not speak english so i asked in spanish. he told me the time and asked if i was going to work and what time i had to be there. I didn't know how to explain so i said i was going to publix for one o clock. i walked off and saw the bus pass by. that meant i had an hour to get the next bus. I walked to walgreens and realised that i finally started bleeding. I went to walgreens bathroom and then bought hairband, batteries and candy. then walked to the bus stop waiting for the bus. I met a woman and we alked and then stopped off at osceola square mall. i walked for a while but started feeling faint. i sat in burger king and sat eating my candy. i felt pain from my stomach to my legs and my head was aching. I walked out and resumed walking. i'd say from burger king to the gas station i heard people honk their horns, flash their lights and say something about two or three times. i looked around and didn't see anything but I just had the urge to lay down and sleep on the sidewalk. i continued walking until i stopped at a gas station and bought tylonol. the feeling of betrayal and of being abandoned from the one thing you depended on to keep you going when you were in a world where you don't belong. but i realise i don't even belong with them. i considered my best friends my family. i trusted them with my life and more. I would give them wahtever i could. but instead of a lasting beautiful friendship. i was put in the middle and each person would talk negatively about the other. they would tell each other secrets and do unpleasant things and say bad things about each other. i realised that my trust for them greatly dropped. they started avoiding me after that. I told them weeks beofre the tension started that my biggest fear woas loosing their friendship and that i couldn't live with out them. it wasn't what they did that hurt me after i said that. it was how they did it. they brought my biggest fear to reality and did it in a way that would hurt me intentionally.it hurt so much. mostly the feeling of being shocked. i sat down for a while. it was hard for me to even imagine something like that. they probably did this because my presence was tedious.
Why is it extremely hard to say anything to the one person you love the most?
Nasaya’s Response to The Donkey d**k a*****e to toy’s with Nali’s Heart
You don't know what you damn well have you ******** a*****e.
You need to make a decision because you could end up loosing everything.
Don't give me that bullshit about you already making your decision because it seems to be fading.
The way you're acting is unfair to your friends and your girlfriend.
Your friends... you call them an object to be used for comfort then tossed away like old shoes.
Well you know what? I'm sick and tired of everyone kissing your a** while you in return are a big jerk to them.
Maybe you'll see what you have when some of it is gone.
Straiting out yourself, and take care of yourself...goodbye... I really don’t care if you hurt yourself, I need to live.
Screw Brain
I do believe my friend was kind of screwing with my head to get me angry at my best friend. Anotherone of my friends warned me against the friend who's screwing with my head, I must appologize to that friend because I cursed him out for advising me against my friend who was screwing with my head. And I must not let my guard down around the friend who was screwing with my head because this is the second time she's tried something like this...I shouldn't have listened in the first place, and I was an idiot to do so.
...just confused....everyone...stop telling me how it is, i know first hand what it is and you don't know what you're all talking about...but you are you all are confusing me...everyone just shut up...you don't know what you're talking about.
stop telling me how it is when you don't know what it is. to assume is to make an a** out of u and me. and stop asking questions because i don't have to prove anything to you or tell anything to you. CAN SOMEBODY TELL THIS PAIN TO ******** GO AWAY. Actually… I’m feeling shaky and confused too.
I want to thank you for all you have done for me. I am sorry that all of it was wasted. I live today like each day believing that I might actually follow my plan for a change. Only three times have I actually followed through , hopefully today I might take it farther. My music is what frees me from the horrible nightmare called reality. The reality is that everything is wrong and I don't belon and I'm tired. Oh so tired of the same hurt, the same truth, the same problems either remaining stagnant or becoming a stronger and worst pain. I am sick and tired of the feeling of knowing I don't belong, and knowing the truth but constantly doubting it. The two main problems in my life are the only things that make up my life and nothinggood w3ill ever come from it. THat is why today I shall set myself free from all of it even if it is just for a day. Hopefully the fear of uncertainty will disappear and I will be able to let go of all the problems and let go of this stagnat body, mind and soul . All you havwe done is very great and important, but at a larger scale it can be considered an addictive pain killer with the harmful side affects included. And for that reason I make my decision to build up the courage to let go of everything.

My First Kiss
My first kiss was stolen by the one I longed for it to be by. The person of my dreams unfortunately thought and this is my fault too, it was probably for the wrong reason. He did it to win a game. Was there any emotion in the kisses? I wonder what emotion was in the kisses I recieved Thursday.
When I thought about my first kiss, I thought it would be meaningful, special and right. My first kiss was stollen and maybe the very opposite. It didn't feel wrong at the time, but I pushed him off when he kissed. . He suprised, me. He pulled me into a hug and kissed me. I'm not sure if he knew what I was refering to when I asked if there was any meaning to anything that was done, but he said no. I'm so stupid for having feelings for him. was it real or was it to wina game. I need to talk to him about the kiss...
He has a girlfriend, what the hell is he doing kissing another girl. Please let me go, stay away from me. Please don’t tell me you’ll die if I leave you.
I lay in my bed, barely able to get up, it sounds overdramatic, but I'm hungry and yet when I see food, my appitite suddenly disappears. I’m on my period, a weird period. Whatever I eat comes out in painful diarrhea a short while later. A headache that hasn't left me alone for three days. Weakness all over. Tiredness, but unsatisfying sleep.

At school yesterday I stayed far away from the poisons (people who hurt me) and the pain killer they guy who kissed me It hurt me bad. I tried to distract myself with a book, an R.L. Stine book, and through the book is two thirds over, it doesn't help at all. Sleep, does nothing, and nearly impossible to overcome me. I am hurting both on the inside and out. I’m just an idiot.
I waited after school for the assembly. avoiding him was easy today thanks to not having lunch with him today. though i had a very bad headache and felt like i was going to throw up.
since orange season was in, i had four oranges for lunch. hotchocolate and the school warm doughnut for breakfast. I hate going to the bathroom at school. But super sick through six period afterwards. i wrote down a list of the things he said that hurt me. some of it i couldn't believe, that wasn't him who said that, i just know it. jaimie and i after school were hanging out w/mr. miller. then he left.
I want to bellydance my parents say that makes me a slut. They have classes at the osceola square mall.
Yesterday I fell asleep outside during the fire drill, i came back into class late, the teacher questioned if i was okay, i said i was fine, but really i felt like i was going to drop down and sleep again. i walked with jaimie to her class then ran into mine when my glasses lense popped off. I yelled at Mr. Habel for being sent to student services for breaking dresscode for shoes, i proved they were dresscode by and burst out into tears, i went to nurse for bad headache then i skipped class and slept in the other. staying after school, i realised i made a new friend, Gilette who is coaching me to read harry potter in spanish...lol on the way home mom and i went to krispy kreme and watched doughnuts being made and bought a box for tomorrow breakfast. i ate mine then and there warm and good. i went home threw it up. lay in bed and cried and cried and called jaimie who invited me over for friday, then nestor who said "what do you want," hung up on me and i went to sleep then talked to tim, we had a nice long conversation on the phone about some interesting things and he invited me to prom...cool

the next day i got out of bed weak. in i was in the car...no school and hugging everyone, I woke up and yeah, i was in the car, my headphones were on my ears and turned off.

i arrived at school. Iwanted to be invisible. i went for hote chocolate and then to sign language club and got free kripsy kremme doughnut, didn't want it so gave it to juan. i threw up again and went home. i went to sleep and woke up calling jaimie who skipped school to play kingdom hearts 2.. i went back to sleep, then got up and ate, stomach ache, shaky and headache, very weak. took a bath and went to sleep
i feel hopeless and sad, and in pain (both ways of pain). i am going back to sleep now...goodnight and take cares.
The one thing that gives me nightmares is when I told him I was going to cut him out my life because it only hurts me to be around him. He told me not to. I told him that it hurts to be around him. He started slamming his backpack on his face. Stop. He started punching the wall. He pulled out a crow bar and started beating himself with it. Please stop. He lit his hands on fire. He wanted to punch the wall. I tried to stop him. Okay I won’t leave. I’m sorry. Don’t hurt yourself.

I miss the days I felt your embrace oh so warm and sincere
Where I could say my thoughts my feelings without guilt or fear
I miss the days we danced songs slow
And cuddled together without feeling low
Your friendship your warmth your love non existent
Unknown feelings and I persistent
My memories of you unreal and broken
Blinded and trapped in feelings unspoken
Confused and in waiting life becomes stagnant
Life has been cut into many a small fragment
Distant and shunned by both family and friend
Yet I will still love you until the end
I don't want to go home because all is wrong. I'm sick and tired of everything being the way it is. I don't want to go to school because the people there are just as bad. I am stupid for still believing that things will be okay. I feel abandoned by two thirds of the people who at one point gave me hope and strength to keep going. I feel constant confusion, worry, uncertainty and pain from the other one third. My dad said that nobody likes me or wants me around, not this family, not my friends and I'm a bad person for hanging out so much with the guy I like because he is taken and it is just tempting him to do bad things. He says if I leave, he will kill himself wouldn’t that be worst. I don't belong and I should leave. The people I thought I belonged amongst abandoned me. My family has told me and proven to me I don't belong there. I don't belong when it concerns the one I love. I have no place here or purpose I'm just stupid and a pathetic person who doesn't belong.
May 23, 2006
Life Hitting Hard, Time Moves Forward, Bus Moves Forward, Prom
Starting online classes and waiting for that welcome phone call...
Taking Physics, World History, English, Algebra.
If I get the hang of this I will do some other random classes.
It's amazing how fast life runs by. Prom was wonderful. Tim's parents came at the door with him, they wanted to meet my parents. My parents wanted nothing to do with me at the time, how embaressing. Tim looked nice. We walked around because we were early for a bit. Then we hung out with friends. Most of which were seinors. It was very fun. We took pictures and danced. Ate lots of strawberries and marshmellows and yet I didn't trust the chocolate in the big pot. Heather and I were two of the very few in a poofy bottom dress.
Parents still having nothing to do with me. Okay so what I guess I will not show any weakness. Waking up at five taking the lynx bus. I was late a couple times due to bike, over sleeping, and walking. Found a new way, to Nestors in morning and they give me a ride then ride to bus. Crap, staying, hanging out with Nestor after school. Okay getting too close, not good. Thanks for support anyway. Lisa, Heather, Jaimie, JT, Suraj, Christian, Mike, and everyone else, thanks for the rides, the bus fair and lunch money.
Heather took me away from home for the night. Yay! Went to graduation...tears, tears. Went for icecream and watched the end of Ayashi no Ceres. It is the best Anime. Then went to Epcot Field Trip. That was fun too. Hung out with Jaimie, Emily, Heather, Austin, Andrew and Ginette.
Party, Jaimie, Emily, Heather, Dylan and Austin came. We went to the pool and then watched Anime. Heather and Jaimie Slept over.
Got the prom photos. they came out great. Dad saw picture of Tim and I. He took off his glasses to see who it was. and then walked away. mom said heather and i looked nice. ANXIETY ATTACKS
yesterday i don't know what got into me. this sudden jolt of fear took over me. i had another burst of shaking. then i got really tired. my periods were whack last week. they started and stopped. then started and stopped. then this week it started again and got really heavy. i was in so much pain though, i felt like i was punched in the stomach. i was weak and yet i could never fall asleep. i haven't had a proper sleep this whole week.
i was supposed to go to texas. and yet my auntie hates me and thinks i'm a witch.
i am getting sick of this. i have no control over my life. my parents want me to leave. i don't want the family to be broken up or anything. i just don't know where to go. i can't to to the people i trust or the people that is close because it's indecent.
My parents have disowned me except for the kitchen which i go to anytime and a place to stay. but there's always insults or fighting. what am i going to do this summer.
i lossed my job at sherlocks because i no longer had transportation. there is no lynx bus on sundays.
i almost got ran over by a bus today. my bike was on the rack. i got off teh bus and was taking my bike off the rack when it started driving forward. i froze with my hands on the bike a bit scared.
then again, there's a lot of people who run through lights and don't slow down when people are in front of them or cross lights that don't ever change. people are stupid.
Celebration High School is a treasure trove of hopes, dreams and memories of many turning points in my life. This place is more than just a school; it is my second home. Making me, leave would be like taking a fish out of the water and telling it to live on land. I was here the year Celebration High School first opened its doors three years ago. I was an eager, wide-eyed student who made honor roll while juggling a schedule that included honors English I and Algebra I. I participated in six extracurricular activities, which included FIRST Robotics, The Foreign Language Club and Chorus. I was even selected to be a member of the student tec

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