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the past that connects to the future
Dear Jonelle
idk how i've been doing lately to be honest. a lot happened this week for me.
well first off ima tell u that me and my fiance broke off our engagement, but we're still together. what surprized me was how ready she was agreeing with ending our current engagement. aparently she's been thinking that we shouldve gone back 2 just bf/gf a long time ago. i can understand where she's going, but to really have not told me the 2 yrs we were engaged :L its hard trusting her now a days, and this just ads on 2 it.
and while i was stressing about that, theres this one friend that ended up leading me on this whole quarter till friday. throughout the quarter this girl named darby - i thought she liked me cuz of how she looked at me, her body language when i talked or when we hung out, how she was the one that invited me 2 her hang out spot, offered me a ride this one day where the weather was kinda bad, drove me 2 this one place when a friend couldnt, gave me a few coffee freebees cuz i thought she wanted 2 b nice to me, how she opened up to me earlier this week, and a bunch of other reasons/signs i though was real. wednesday i thought it was a good idea to ask her 2 watch iron man 3 with me, so that we'd get 2 know each other better/for me 2 c if i shared the same feelings/an excuse 2 watch iron man 3 smilies/icon_razz.gif not the point. she said she'll get back 2 me on that answer. friday she got back 2 me and said no cuz she didnt know me very well (and y else would u go out w/someone? 2 get 2 know them better), she didnt see me as an interest (then y give me those looks, be uber nice to me?), her boundaries were much smaller than mine, she still likes this 1 guy that wont return her feelings, and other shenanigans.
now i shouldnt be upset by this, but i actually really am smilies/icon_sweatdrop.gif . like it was a relief that i was wrong and i can focux on my girlfriend and try 2 make it work, but i felt really played. like friday i felt that i was completely set up. cuz b4 we talked looked like everone had signals that gave them an excuse 2 have both of us alone so she could drop the bomb on me. im feeling like from day 1 i was played. first day she invited me felt like i was being approved by her friends (ey i like him, hes funny i like him, he's great 2 b around, he's cool). then monday i brought red velvet cookies 4 everyone 2 have and when me and darby and a classmate came back from a trip 2 seattle, the coffee shop manager made a joke that my lips were red from making out with darby (red lips from the red velvet cookies). and as i got up and walked a way embarrassed i was told she turned bright pink when it happened. i thought oh she does like me from that. i really felt played. but idky i cant be mad at her. she probably didnt mean to, but i felt like she was giving excuses to not give the hang out/date a chance. sounds like she's really focing herself to be left alone cuz aparently her life's been planed out and makes the excuse that cuz of that she wouldnt have time for a relationship (wasnt looking for one), dating in general, or a guy. making an excuse that it'll get in her way from the goal she wants. she's afraid of being her by having her heart open i can feel that.
idk what ima do with darby. i want to help her, but she isnt allowing help. like she's so set on her dream that she wont let anything disturb it. i think its gonna be awkward when i go back tmrw even if we dont mention what happened last week 2 each other, most likely i'll look like somethings eatting me on the inside (which darby is) or depressed (im more upset/sad than deep depressed). idk what im doing tmrw. and right b4 my exam. nice darby, nice timing on giving ur answer to me, coulda waited for after the exam.

i'll try to deal with it, tho idk how well tho.

~ wtphu

PS. i love you





 
 
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