warning u right now this is a constant stream of writing out of thoughts and just for me to read back in months, weeks, years, u get it the sentimental value is big to me and yeah okay here we go
once in awhile i like to come back here
and write about stuff that i think about
and stuff that happens
i'm kind of just sitting where i usually do when i pop in on gaia, in my living room on the couch with my blanket and the coffee table beneath my feet, head on my own shoulder (saddest life miright?) and listening to some parachute because its night and its time to be deep you know? yeah no i lied its just because i dont want to listen to hard rocky poppy music that i listen to during the day. THEY CALL HER LOVEEE LOVEE LOVEEEE or she is love thats what im listening to rn.
i'm not physically tired (albeit sore) but i am mentally but thats ok ill stare at darren criss and be like unf and its ok i like darren criss did you know NOW YOU DO. but yeah idk where im going with this new paragraph but hey parachute is making me really sentimental and like romeo (reading romeo and juliet in english ugh) aka i feel like right now im in love with the idea of love
so i don't know, i don't think theres even anyone i really want to date, anyone i really love thats not a family member or a friend and all i can do with these sad songs is look back on my life and be like wow i really liked this person what happened to us like i'd totally date you again but if we broke up for a reason why go again right CAUSE SECOND CHANCES WOW THIS SONG PERFECT TIMING OK THERE PARACHUTE.
but you know what i have never left anyone. i've always been the one left behind, the one staring at the backs of others and just the one to collapse and be like why perhaps i am destined to be a little old lady who lives with animals and instr-
FUTURE THERE WE GO yes i was like wow time has gone by so fast its almost the end of the-.
yeah not gonna lie i literally just stopped writing to watch a commercial by dove, dove real beauty sketches ugh wow that hurt the feels and i changed the song so yeah okay the future its almost the end of the school year, i'll be a sophmore, grade 10, i'll be 16, i'll see my old friends and thats the thing that twists the knife in my heart because next year ill be going to school with all the people ive met and grown to love with the people i used to love and thats just a bit painful for me to think about
my friends and i were playing league like whats new right nothing really we were waiting for someone to come back i think it was jayrome but anyways we were talking about what would happen when we were older and this was our conclusion that we agreed on
zubair would just game with daniel and go into engineering or something with computers and just do nothing and i would be vigilantly pursuing whatever i chose to do francis would be whipped by celine and jerome would be in the nba obviously and we'd all live in this house and game together until we moved our separate ways and thats when it struck me that hey. we're all going to grow up, disappear from each others lives like we never met, with only ghosts of memories like photos and random epiphanies that will echo their existence and that it had the smallest significance is our lives and i am so tempted to see if that sentence made sense but eh.
not going to lie im so afraid to grow up, to grow old, and to leave the life of school and friends and drama and fangirling behind. because society's picture of an adult, a mature person who will have a future doesn't fit the current me. the current me likes to blast music, to wake up when the sun is setting, only to watch the sun rise as i fall asleep, likes to run as hard as she can until she can feel her asthma choking her no matter how many times it happens, game until my eyes shut on their own, likes to be around friends even though its not easy for her to make them, likes to read until the book is done, no matter how long, to scream and yell and cry over things she loves and hates, and is so childish its stupid because what kind of teenager can't let go of pokemon digimon cardcaptors beyblade spyro and crash bandicoot all these cartoony people and dumb game characters. like how do i grow up? i don't understand how the world works, i only understand that ill be put into it without knowing what to do, and that im so naive ill probably die the first few days.
and can i just say this while im at it like im so afraid and yet in love with the thought of love, the thought that somebody could unconditionally love me for me, and take me as i am without wanting me to change but the thing is even if i find it, or have found it, how would i know? my heart skips beats over a lot of things and that youll just know is bull dont give that to me but i dont want to picture my future without my love because... idk it just seems messed up wihout it you know come up with something better then tell me
ok well back to the point i mean like s**t im so good at going off topic huhaha ok but like... next year. what is going to happen to me like im pretty sure i wont finish with a mark high enough for AP math, so i'll be in reg math, but ill be in all the other ap courses and itll be crazy because ill still be with the people im with this year but at the same time i want to be with the amvc kids but they dont like me anymore id think because hey ive left ive gone who cares about me right but i want to be with them but i want to be with my ap friends but i think they wont like each other for some reason actually good reasons you know one side is thug lyfe the other isnt so -.-
idk when i sit here, and think about life, i just start crying and i dont know why. and i just want to stay up with someone and watch the sun rise together and falla sleep together aw you know what i miss late night talks with people on skype i mean really like not even talking too just comfortable silence with random convos in betweens until someone falls asleep its like the sweetest thing ever
i know what ur thinking cause i am right now
dont do it unless like u change ur mind in the future wow i guess i talk to myself here but unless goin corny here your heart wants it DONT DO IT CAUSE REGRET IS A SAD FEEL U DONT WANT THAT
idk more parachute and silent cries why not it feels good to cry about things i dont remember sometimes i believe that crying out of nowhere to sad songs is the bottled up feelings uve never let out. and yeah ill just do that and play with photo shop ok