I haven't been getting better. My cousin says I'm losing weight but that's because I have no appetite for anything. I'm in withdrawal now when it comes to people. I pretty much don't bother when it comes to talking to others. I'm losing all ability to be tactful.
I'm more blunt and flippant with my words. I lack consideration for others' feelings and I feel as though it's hell to just talk. I've spent the past month in my house....good news is that I can sleep...bad news is that I can't sleep at night. I'm forced to get up around 11pm to midnight and check and make sure everything is locked even though I myself locked everything before going to bed. I go to bed early now. 8pm. I don't want to deal with my mother. She gets home around that time. I sleep during the day. I don't like sleeping pass 2 in the afternoon. If I do then I know I won't be able to go to bed 6 hours later. I rarely eat my mum's cooking unless it is something I care for but then again I only eat once a day if anything. Thoughts and scenario relating to suicide repeat in my head when I'm lying. I space out a lot so I'm used to the constant habit of thinking. Everything is a form of escape. The escape makes my heart beat louder.
I'm officially not allowed to feel. That will be tough since I'm going to school on the 13th. I don't care about my life now and motivation is an occasional event that only lasts 5 to 10 minutes. My frustration has build up past its boiling point and if I let go I know I will do something that I will regret for the rest of my life.
As I type this I am laying down a part of me, a part of my feelings that I can't hold onto because to others I am selfish and selfish feelings are "no-nos". Once I start school I may have less time online and for myself. I just hope good comes out of crap.
· Mon Apr 29, 2013 @ 12:34am · 0 Comments