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Fragmented Self who wanders through life like a dreamer and wades through the river of dreams as though it were the only truth left in this world
Disappearing State
It totally didn't come to mind that my parents would be unable to forgive me or come to terms about my lying about school. Yes, I used them and lied. I had good reasons which will not matter to them and they will never trust me again with my academics. I even think they might be hanging onto it so much that they won't accept me anymore.

I am such a push-over that I have this unconditional love for them. Even if they can never be the people that I need them to be, I will love them. What I think they fail to understand about this is that I don't have to go back to live with them. I don't need to go back to living. I could very well go back and try to kill myself. Just because I was caught once doesn't mean I will stop forever. Yes, right now it is not on my mind but I think if they tried to limit me in such a way that I thought I was not living, I would start a new plan. There are plenty of things I could do. I am a very creative person and it isn't too hard to figure out a low-key way to do this sort of thing. We are surrounded by dangerous things in this world.

I would not mind if they said they were working on it and trying to get over it, even if it would take a long time. I am okay with this because it took me a while to love my Mom all on my own. I can understand that but eventually I hope they would work on a way to forgive me. If I was feeling vengeful I could simply divorce them and make sure they never saw me again. It would be the same as if I had killed myself and I could very well go into a life that might lead to that again. They would never have me as a daughter again. But, I don't think I need to do that. I always have the option though.

I have pretty good credit history so I could get a credit card then flee to a new state where I get a job at a diner or exotic dancer or maybe even a hooker or secretary. there are so many options. I used to want to change my last name because I wanted to belong to myself not them. However, I got over it and accepted them. I think it only fair that they make the same sort of effort with me. We are not automatically family by blood. Family is a choice you make. They are the people that you depend on, look up to, and talk to on a frequent basis. I do not need to welcome them back into this new life that I have been given but I am offering it all the same.

They should not treat my love as a given, just as I do not treat theirs as a given. I know it will take work. It is only justified if they have some qualms with me. Though it was not about them, they loved me and expected me to contact them. I made a mistake. I am flawed. I am a person.





 
 
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