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******** titles.
Subscribe to me because I'm vain.
So testosterone boys, and harlequin girls will you dance to this beat, and hold a lover close? I forgot this song existed. I'm glad I liked this s**t. I probably would have never found it again, oh well I guess. It kinda makes me sad, but today was just a shitty day. Paramore is playing now...Their new album is probably going to be pretty damn sick. I went to therapy today, I had to explain why I would rather run away from people, than deal with the issue at hand. It was kind of a tough question at first. Those kind that catch you off guard, so you think about it a bit just so you know you answered it properly. Well my answer was because I don't like to get angry in front of people. If I get angry in front of people it shows that those people were getting to me. It makes me feel weak, and I hate that ******** feeling. I hate it almost as much as I hate it when people make me repeat myself. Well my therapist wasn't satisfied by my answer. I still haven't gotten to read this amazing book Alex let me borrow. Now I'm writing in my journal, and Cuntcrusher is playing. The sky is now blackened by the infant ashes, as they rise they bring us darkness. I'm tired...they are going to up my dosages tomorrow. I really don't even want to go anymore at this point. There are no positives to point out. Island of the Dead is playing. Lots of people are dying around me, I kind of feel like it's a temptation at this point. Life is taunting me as it always has. Since my life is a huge endless and torturous loop, I know something is going to happen soon that will make me happy. In a sense I'm staying for the curiosity of what that something might be. I know it wont stay very long, but I'll cherish it. Only people who have experienced true loneliness can value people time. Valuing, estimating, calculating..curiosity...

heart spasms...heart spasms....irregular heart beats...Tightened chest... Deep breaths...sigh a few times....try and smile...fail...look at the ground... repeat...

someone will say something to me...smile...succeed.. laugh a t bit...eyes water..wipe tears..start feeling slight burn in eyes...rub...repeat....

bite cheeks...bite lips...bite nails...bite hand...go to the bathroom...stare at your reflection...concentrate...smile..fail...give up...walk back...repeat..

cough...blood...cough...swallow...sigh...try and smile..fail...repeat...

make a morbid joke...laugh at joke..no one else really laughs...feel stupid...wipe eyes...smile a bit...slight success...repeat...

get home...look at J.C for about an hour...tumblr...gaia...facebook.... play music...lay head on desk...feel burn in eyes...rub..blood...q-tips...repeat....

alarm goes off for school...stare at it for a bit to pretend you were sleeping...turn it off...shower...change into random clothes...pick a jacket/sweater...repeat...

think happy thoughts...think happy thoughts...realize your form of happy isn't right...people watch...repeat...


I can hold my breath for a long time.

If I were to end abruptly,
would it leave you wanting more?





 
 
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