I slept most of the day away today, another day I have spent sleeping. It seems I have become nocturnal. It is not a constant sleep, but when it happens it is in daylight. Seems I was living my life in rewind, taking so many steps backwards, not looking behind, because I can sure as hell feel my brain going blank. If my body betrays me, this pollution to thank. This condition infects my cells like it controls my mind. There is so much to live for that we so easily forget. Fascination with death... The concept escapes me. All encompassing fate... how it wrenches out hearts, torments our souls ans sings us all to sleep, no matter what beliefs, it sings us all...This is what happens when I black out. My mind thinks up this things. I cannot tell if it is from something I have heard or seen. I just cannot seem to remember, and there is a chance that whatever I do remember is fake. There should be a limit to how many things I can hate. A limit to the amount of times my mind will allow me to go in this loop. There must be a method to my madness. I am just not getting it, I am not trying hard enough to understand it. It is not like I can just bring up these thoughts to anyone though, no one can understand. People just do not seem to know anything, they just trigger my anger. I almost feel as though this amount of wrath is a curse. I will one day be unable to escape form this abyss. I shall continue to run while I can. Alone now I stand, as I shall in life so be it in death. There is nothing. This hate goes beyond myself now. I am starting to really hate my life. I am drinking again, it was almost a week of sobriety. I am back on the medicine too, I am hoping to see things change rather quickly. I assume this medicine will help me stop noticing my mind rotting away. If it doesn't then I know for sure this alcohol will destroy me from the inside out. J.C. cannot end up insane if his creator no longer exists. Him being a part of my imagination knows what I am planning. He whispers sweet nothings to me. I know that this is too far gone though. I cannot help, but listen to him though. I cuddle with him. I take in his words however false, for I know he only wants the best for me. He knows the worse it is the more I will enjoy it. He understands how twisted I have become. He wants to exist, so therefore I must exist. His whole being is revolved around me, and he wants to convince me this feeling is mutual. How can I deny the facts? If he is me that must mean I am him. I can no longer ponder about these things.. I must stop
the thoughts, I must save the original J.C. I must free myself to free him... I'm gfetting ptrrry srnk
couldf htid br th r end?
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