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The Inner Workings of Onesself
Lots of randomness & meaningful stuff about moi, the one & only Kari-chan.
Universe seeks to punish thee
It got worse. I forgave him like an idiot. We've gotten into numerous fights since & didn't officially break up a second time, but it's worse, much much worse now. I found out last month i was pregnant. Of course he's the only one happy about it as it couldn't have happened at a worse time. At first I thought I was or could be but that delusion quickly dissolved as i saw my dreams slowly shattering around me if I decided to carry the pregnancy full-term & the fact I was only so because of force during a time i no longer desired to have children with him because of the way he was acting. It happened twice within 4 days of each other & he's seriously ******** up enough to think I was participating in the act when i clearly wasn't & said 'no' both times more than once. This is exactly why I demanded we go see a counselor before getting back together, he agreed then a week later threw one of his childish tantrums because he misunderstood something I said, or twisted it to his own liking honestly I think, & changed it around to demanding I move first before we see one. Now we really need one & I have no insurance to cover it & I'm not sure he does either with his temp job, but he sits on his a** saying we're still going to go see one right? while acting as if this baby is a magic wand that's going to fix our problems until we get one.

I tried to make plans to move in with him at his moms bc of his threats, bitching, whining and complaining so it was basically coersion at it's simplest form. I looked into schools they don't have many in their area, they're not transfer from Ohio friendly, or they're too competetive to get into.
Needless to say I couldn't get into any of them so i cancelled my transfer to another location of my job & when I told him he feigned incomprehension & confusion unlike before when he got stark raving mad & started calling me out of my name. I wasn't fooled & felt no guilt in changing plans my future is just as important as his need to have me around everyday.

It's like being with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde it's incredibly stressful. After all the threats he now plays martyr when I won't answer the phone or door & don't want to spend time with him every weekend. He insults me, now tries to cry whenever i say "i don't care to go out today I feel nauseous" etc. or won't talk to him at all. Everything's baby this baby that it pisses me off considering December. I'm not a goddamn breeding cow I'm an individual with my own feelings & he just doesn't get it. I didn't hide the fact I never wanted to have children from him, but he never asked me to leave never made a move to be done with me unless it was an issue of control & me not bending to his will. I'm starting to severely regret this relationship & have no more hopes it'll turn into a happy marriage when has abuse ever been so? My cousins girlfriend probably did considering she kept getting pregnant with the 2nd, 3rd then 4th kid. Pregnancy changed nothing, i believe I mentioned before how my aunt called my mom the day or so after the wedding telling her he'd hit her once again. It'd been going on the entire relationship before the 1st was born & my mother, cousins & aunts told her then to leave if he wouldn't stop to have some damn self-respect & pride & not cling to a man who was physically hurting her. They were his family & they weren't covering for him. The last I saw her she was in the court building, when I mentioned it to my brother or mom they said it was probably because of him as they'd heard from my aunt it had happened once again a few weeks earlier. This is 4 kids & 4+ years of marriage later & when I hear family talk about them now or see one of them at a picnic they talk as if they're not living together anymore.

What would I have to look forward to pretending everything's okay & letting things go on in this false sense of security he's creating? I haven't shown affection nor interest in the relationship since he pissed me off a few weeks ago. Asked for sex after a movie when I had clearly stated already sex caused me pain now then acted like he couldn't understand why i was upset & wanted to go home, instead tries to pull a "let's talk" routine when there was nothing to talk about, asks me if I want a damn frosty & when I say "no" gets me one anyways. My trust is not back in place i'm not sure if it'll ever be since he rolls lies off his tongue like water down a waterfall now that I have no interest in this he's not being quick to call a breakup desperately clinging on to me when just last summer this was reversed.

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