I can't seem to stop dwelling. I get past it but then circle on back. I don't appreciate the fear gripping at my throat.
Sometimes I wonder if the people I label as typical ever fear themselves like this. I mean, do they ever go to sleep just to make time go forward? I know the average person uses the sleep technique to cope with misery but to cope with self-hatred? I'm not so sure about that one.
I'm having a lot of trouble tonight.
I want to just close my eyes and sleep. I want to go to my dreams and nestle in to their security. The fantasy of it all can carry me away to a new obsession. The stories... the drama... the lore, I love it all.
Maybe if I try to walk through my memories I can distract myself... I'll try to focus on my year with track. In seventh grade I competed in track. I know it was seventh grade because there was this guy who was older than me in the hurdles that we all looked up to. He had ridiculously long legs and was average in the looks department. He reminded me a bit of Ryan but wasn't as cute. My eye candy was definitely Travis.
I ran into Travis at the New Year party this year with Jared and made a fool of myself. I think it was clear that I still felt a bit of an attraction to him, like I fell all over myself around him. Travis was cute even in grade school. I knew him all the way back in fifth grade. We would flirt in that grade school sort of way back in seventh and eighth grade, or at least it was that way for me.
Track was fun for the most part. We traveled to different schools and had group social time after school. Once at Auburn the bus was really late on us. It was dark and we all just hungout. I don't know why that's so special but it is. It was like a shared pain so it doesn't make much sense why it would be a good memory. I think it may have been raining because I keep trying to push the memory of the smell of the pavement on my memory. I remember skinning my knees on the different turf and the way it smelt differently than our. Our track was dirt and many of the others were sand or plastic like. I hated the plastic like stuff - linoleum maybe - because it was the one that really burned when you fell. The dirt wasn't bad because it was expected that you'd get hurt when you fall into the dirt. Linoleum was supposed to be nicer on our bodies... but it wasn't.
We used the Oakmont grounds for our home meets since Eich had very small track area. For our one mile, we had a custom system around trees and the field. Running around the stupid little track was the one part I never ever liked. We only ran around that thing when weather was bad or we had fitness testing. Bleck.
In eighth grade, I was awarded a reading award because I re-hashed the books I read to underclassmen as we ran in P.E. So around those trees I have fond memories of telling stories and making friends. Even after eighth grade though, I came back to that trail to train for volleyball. I would go there on my own to run so that I was back in shape. I didn't take it all that seriously but still, I went there and made the effort to at least be there. I would sprint then run then sprint. It was also this way of showing off that I was still alive to the world. I always wished that someone I had known in grade school or junior high would see me. I always wanted someone to find me and tell me that they liked me. I wished so hard that someone would fall in love with me from my past.
They never did.
I don't think anyone even cared in high school that I wasn't there. I only remember me and my best friend being devastated about the switching of schools. I don't think anyone else ever asked me. I only remember talking to my teachers and then falling apart that night of the graduation dance with Christy. I was so sad that I wouldn't be there for her again. I had left her before and it was happening all over again. I tried to tell myself that I was in power this time. I had made the choice. I was in control, but I wasn't. I was following her enthusiasm again. Yes, I would have had a tough time at Oakmont but ... wouldn't that have been better for me? I would have been with Andrea and sometimes would have seen Christy instead of never. I made friends with people in a entirely different universe. Hell, I didn't even make friends until nearly the end of the first semester.
I tried to fit in with the girls of the volleyball team but I didn't fit in. stop-
But yea, track was awesome. I even remember the positives of volleyball back in those days. We used to get these like Eich bucks things and could spend them after school at the snack bars. They had the sour candies. Gods, I lived for those. Heh heh. Since they didn't sell soda, we had other things we went after.
We thought we were hot s**t. Ha ha. I remember comparing myself to my older cousin Karlie a lot. She had a bunch of boyfriends and that was what I wanted. I wanted people to love me and want me in that special way. If only it was that easy, eh. : >
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