Sometimes I think about what I've been doing for the last year because it's hard to classify. During high school, it was easy to catalog in my head because each year had an event that went with it and memories and that kind of thing.
After I graduated, it gets muddled and I start to get it in order of what job I was doing at the time. It's a much poorer way to remember things, especially because years and dates get jumbled. But it works. I can still remember about when I did something or experienced something.
So I think about what I've been doing the last year and what I can gain from it.
Something I've thought about for a while now I think has reached its culmination.
A lot of the time I find myself disassociating myself from my race. I grew up in America and very much consider myself an American (despite what that sometimes entails). It's a pretty broad classification and something I don't find uncomfortable to be known as. After all, it is what I am, right?
When it comes to my race, not only is it something I don't consider myself, but I distance myself from it. I acknowledge that my mother was from Honduras and spoke spanish, and that my father is (presumably) from El Salvador, but I don't think I'm hispanic. I have brown skin and I tan okay, but I don't speak spanish. I'm not from or have ever been anywhere south of Texas.
I've never spent time hanging out with hispanics, I never had an interest to speak spanish or learn about any latin american history. There's absolutely nothing about myself I consider to be anything of that culture.
So I have a hard time admitting that I'm hispanic. I lie to people usually because it's an uncomfortable question for me. I can come off as being a Pacific Islander or Native American. As long as people don't probe me about it, it's never really a big deal.
I try to look at this from the outside and it seems so strange. To lie about a what your blood is.
And my thing is that I don't like their culture. Spanish sounds disgusting to me. The hispanic's I've known aren't usually too bright, they don't think about life, they think about cars, depend on their parents (second generation hispanics), and are an irresponsible bunch.
And I don't think I'm being too racist or broad, but I probably am. I don't hate them or anything. I don't think they should be kicked out of America and I don't think they're worthless. They're just, I don't know, unsavory? Can it be used like that?
And they're not a group I want to belong to. I don't want to be asked "Hey, what are you?" and tell them hispanic because it's like admitting I'm apart of them. That that culture that I don't care for and have no respect for is something I am of.
So it's something I battle quite a bit. Because I know I'm hispanic, but I don't want to be.
I'm sure it's pretty silly, right? To be worrying about this kind of thing. And it's not like I'm paranoid that 'someone's going to find out'. It's not a big secret that I giggle about. It's just a white lie I've been telling for a while and become apart of my everyday life.
So understanding this is something I've learned this past year. You know, I just really thought about why I tell people that I'm Native and it's just because I don't want to be hispanic.
Really, on the inside, I just consider myself a white kid. But nothing of my face conveys that.
I'm thinking that maybe, in the future, I can admit to people that I am hispanic, but amend that answer with a little bit about how it has nothing to do with me.
You know, you can ask "Hey, what are you" and I can respond, but it doesn't tell you anything about me, really.
So even though it's a white lie, I think I can work on it.
Honesty isn't a big deal to me about it. I can lie about it to other people.
Maybe it's lying to myself I'm trying to work on.
On a related note, I've always wanted to have a group to associate myself with. I'm always trying to join new things that I can be apart of. When I was younger and discovering thinking, it used to be theologies.
But I made and understood my own theology.
So I think being apart of something has been important to me.
And maybe not being able to relate to my race had something to do with that.
I guess it's just granfalloon's, huh?
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