Up to this point I have been utterly unsuccessful at reviving my past self. I can't envelope myself into my own mind of make-believe and beauty. It frightens me ever so much that my imagination may in fact be damaged. For years I haven't been in what I call autopilot, I would put my life on autopilot while I was actually in my mind playing safely. Anti-autopilot may have cause cerebral damage of my precious imagination; my imagination had always been my pride & joy. I don't feel as if I belong in this world, I never have especially now when everything I love is gone, dead or tasteless. Reading, writing, poetry, imagination, music, theatre, Halloween, love. I can't even sleep correctly. The more I attempt to better myself the more it seems pointless. I have no pleasures whatsoever, no happiness, no gratification. I am utterly lost in the veil of reality and desperately I try to claw & fight my way back inside my mind fruitlessly. I can't do this much longer, it hurts, it maddening. Though I sit and think and think for hours there is no answer. Thought my attempts for betterment fail. I cannot grasp my bearing, my destiny evades me, and I have been forsaken, vanquished and left to rot. Essentially, I'll have no choice to take a job I hate and work there for years, get old, be unhappy, & then die. I was never destined for this world. I have a raging headache from lack of sleep and I hate it, I hate how my body won't sleep when I tell it too, I hate everything right now.
· Fri Apr 12, 2013 @ 01:29pm · 0 Comments