(Nothing cohesive seems to be on my mind except for how depressed I am and how alone I feel. I'm scared to eat or do anything in m y own home because of the messes that could make. I'm very much like Finger Eleven's song "Talking to the Walls Again" only I didn't lose someone-- somehwere deep inside I feel I've failed myself and the choices I've been making as of late have slowly been drowning me.)
I said I'd let you guys know when I got internet. I got that on March 14th.
I didn't feel a need to write, so I was quiet, and happy for a while. Before that, I almost got kicked out of my home for not keeping it clean. I passed re-inspection after my mom helped me clean the place up.
But that's... not what's killing me right now. I'm crying in despair right now. Because of the fears that have come up deep in my mind. I won't eat much because of these fears. I don't want to be alone, yet contradictory to that, I've been spending most of my time at home on the computer. All those doubts I thought I had rid myself of have crept back again.
And they're stronger.
I've been idle too long.
When Marikoe comes to visit, it really helps. When Shejirro, a protecting spirit of mine, speaks up, I cheer up a little bit.
But when I sit idle and am left to my own devices... the mess grows... the doubts get stronger... and I feel ever more alone.
I've forgotten God again, and somehow I feel lost once more.
I wonder if I even trust myself?
My dreams have been off too.
*hangs head low*
I've got work to do if I'm ever going get out of this misery. Because the thought that reoccurs is "It's your own damn fault it's this way." And as much as I try to hold myself accountable, I fear that I'll never be able to fully deal with the responsibilities I have.
Half the time I feel I have nothing interesting to say.
Some days, I just want to be alone. Others, I want to see my friends so bad but am at a loss for how to ask and doubting that they might have the free time to do so.
I got a Facebook. I don't think it changes much.
Hey, if you read these, just say hello every now and then. I'd appreciate it greatly.
· Mon Apr 08, 2013 @ 01:42am · 0 Comments