I honestly believe that normal people would never be able to contain the restlessness and boredom that I contain. I am a serious hermit and rarely leave the house, I think the longest I've gone not leaving is at least a month and a half. I am extremely socially awkward, people scare me and stress me and when out I constantly think someone is looking at me. I don't trust easily. When I was younger I would chat in chat rooms to make friends, I can't even do that any more. When I was younger I wanted to be a writer until I learned that nearly everyone in high school wanted to be a writer. I thought that I could of been a great writer because of how delusional I am, how mental I am. I believe that I am greatly mentally ill and disturbed. It was so much worse when I was younger but I didn't realize it like I do now. Mostly I spend my time cleaning and cooking for my family, that actually takes up a lot of my time. I know what it's like to be a parent and haven't even had a child. When you are a parent your day never ends and your needs don't exist; I shouldn't know how this feels. I am confined physically, emotionally, and mentally. Every time in the past when I've found a tablespoon of happiness it's always been swept away. I don't feel happiness any more, it's mostly just being neutral with a smattering of depression, discontentment, and phobias. All these feelings had been at bay for the last seven years but in a sudden gush, in a torrent they are returning. I don't think I could ever love again, what I gave, that small bit that I was saving is gone. It just wasn't meant to be, I knew it from the beginning but still my heart cries out and doesn't understand. Mostly, it's my heart, the good side of me that is still fighting, the child in me that is fighting for my past love. And my bad side tries hard to smother it and they fight and there is such an internal conflict and sometimes it's painful. Harsh words are said and I believe them. Normally, I am so good at feeling bad but honestly I wasn't expecting this. I don't see how I could survive it this time, it ruined me after Tiffany but I rebuilt twisted and all ******** up. I don't see a rebuild this time. I'm afraid there may never be a next time. I wish I could at least sleep.
· Fri Apr 05, 2013 @ 01:59pm · 0 Comments