Last night it rained and I started another breakdown. I am broken today. I have been on the verge of breaking all week so it is just about time that it finally got to that limit. Now it is simply a matter of time before I pull myself together.
It feels bad to break.
It's strange how many attractive men there are around.
I can honestly say that I am attracted to both men and women. I don't need to prove it to anyone but myself and I am satisfied.
I'm drinking soda and not sleeping much, on top of my not eating much.
I find myself disgusting because I let myself down so much. I am indeed beautiful and sweet but I am so disgusting because my soul is corrupt. All of my goodness goes to waste because of my sins. I am Sloth, Lust, and Pride. I lie all the ******** time. I hate the burden of lies and rarely feeling the comfort of another being. I rarely talk to anyone about what is going on in my life and I need that. However mundane it is or cruel, I need to share these things that happen in my life and mind. I think talking about it is the first step in freeing yourself.
I have that need to control things in my life. I like to control my complexion and how people perceive me. I don't need to wear appropriate attire or things that attract attention, but some days it is nice to know I can control the way other people view me. You can say that you don't judge based on appearances all you wants, but most people do.
Alexis was right when she said that I was going to die alone, but I didn't know that it would be my own doing. I have been pushing people away for a long time. I know there are people close to me that I could share with but it feels like such a cruel thing to do to them. Is it more cruel to have them wondering how they could have helped or to put them through the pain of watching me suffer over and over again. Is it more cruel to give hope or to take it away?
I think about all the suffering I put onto people in the past for being my friend and I regret it. Yes, it was wonderful to have this deep connections with them but that kind of burden shouldn't belong to a friend. I don't think my friends should have to play deathwatch with me. I watched Bridesmaids two nights ago and it really struck a cord with me. I wanted to be Jenny, the girl who does drugs and has this destructive thing with all guys because she is hung up on one. And the one guy does all the right things in my book. Yes, he is a jackass but he is a modern jackass. He even played one of my songs from my dream mixtape and did the thing I do with my memory closet. When you want to be close to someone and don't know what else to do, you bring out the past and share share share. And then there is the slut character who surprise surprise has a thing with trying to kill herself just about every month. It sounds like she never really finishes anything and gets really socially awkward because all she knows is sex. Last is the leader who used bulimia to try to be pretty in high school. She's such a control freak and major b***h to everyone else but her friends whom she makes feel like a million dollars. I feel like I do that. I ******** do that. I loved the portrayal of the girls because I could relate to all of them. As absurd as they are and the things that happen, it felt realistic to me and touched me. It sounds stupid, but it did.
I hate that my best time in my life was in high school. I hate that when I have told people this, they look at me with pity in their eyes. The thing is, those friendships were meant to last forever for me. There is no such thing for me as temporary friendships. Even in volleyball, I've never been able to do that s**t. Yes, you gather acquaintances but you know from the start that you won't really be close like friends. High school wasn't like that and I think people are always surprised when I say stuff like that.
When I make friends on Gaia, people act surprised that I continue to care about them. When I decide to make friends with someone, it's pretty much for like... as long as I can hold onto it. The exceptions are betrayals and a frustrated heart. I take a long time to give up on someone but it happens. I can try to get to know someone and they might not want me, and make it clear. It doesn't mean I give up right away but, I take the hint after some time. I truly wish that I had been given a chance like others but I understand.
You shouldn't love someone who doesn't want you... so why do I still love them? And if I love them so much then why don't I make up with them. I have it in my power to make amends with people but I'm so scared that they'll see me as this pathetic and worthless thing that I am now. My pride won't allow them to see me as a disgusting thing. I am so corrupted and dead inside. I feel so dead. I feel so empty. I feel black in the heart. Maybe I am just ice? An icy queen that rules over no one.
Have I killed the Phoenix inside of me?
What happens if I kill the Ice Queen if I've killed the Phoenix, does a new one arise and would it be someone I once knew or would it be something completely different. Are they incapable of dying?
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