I don't feel like myself and I feel horrible in every aspect. It is very difficult and I'm not sure what I am fighting or what I am even doing. I have no savior, I feel like I am trapped in the shadow-lands where everything is only shadows, reminiscences, things long past and lost. I can't find the strength to battle for myself, it all feels so finished, I'd like to be finished. But these are all just feelings and I don't have the luxury to simply stop; it will never stop. There is also just utter silence like my mind is gone, like there is nothing left to imagine and only lonesome pain. There is no one to talk to and I converse with myself and repeat things I'd like to tell my past love. I repeat them so much that I forget and she is gone and I am only left to corrupt myself with bitterness and anger. But there is not even that, just shadows. There is no bitterness or anger, just shadows and nothingness and empty. All thoughts empty.
The summer is coming and it is the worse season. I won't survive with much. After time without my past love I think I shall be permeantly cold and unloving. I think I shall be bitter and angry. I think I shall fade more and more and the fantastically brilliance I once held with fade to shadows and that won't even comfort me. That fantastically brilliance was once my only comfort and even that is fading. There is no recovery for what I have only patches. Patches of lies, intricate artful lies but with no fantastically brilliance there can be no lies and with no lies, no patches. The truth isn't artful or comforting, it is there like a hot stone in your bed at night while you try to sleep; it is a constant reminder. I need my fantastical brilliance, I need my patched lies; I can't bear the truth how loveless I truly am. I can't stand that I can't keep a relationship no matter how hard I try. I can't stand myself sometimes. More & more I begin to conceive that I can't ******** do this any more. I just can't do this anymore. I can't do it anymore. I'm not like other people and I've known that for years. My past love completed me and made me feel normal, but I was just a lie. I'm not normal. I'm really tired and uninterested in 'life'. I wish I could have her back, but I'm really not good for her at all. I need to realize that she'd like to move on and respect it. I just should rip myself apart. I miss the Dark Ones. Pain can be better than love, at least your still feeling then.
· Thu Apr 04, 2013 @ 11:37am · 0 Comments