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I'm currently laying prone inside an air duct with my laptop and a long flexible tube leading from the water cooler to my mouth. It's tax season and work is coming in fast, so I need the utmost in concentration. Many of my coworkers are more flippant about the situation, saying, "It'll get done, Ivan!" and, "We always hit deadlines, pal!" but they don't understand that it's my crunching that gets us there. In fact, right now they're crowded around the cubicle next to mine watching a so-called "viral" video of a cat riding a motorized scooter. Not appropriate use of company resources, if you ask me.

I started out by working in the snack room. It was lower traffic and less noise, but the refrigerator repairman kept standing over my shoulder eating crackers and asking what I'm doing. Fiend, can't you see I'm making sense of a huge amount of financial data? My goodness.

I'm pretty laid back usually, or at least I'd like to think. In the off season I've been known to cut loose and add a little sugar to my coffee. Once in a while I even have a slice of pizza. I'm a bit of a wild man. But not right now-- right now, it's time to shine!

I got up in the duct looking for the ultimate in quiet, stillness, and privacy, and I think it's the best I'm going to get. The first real problem I had was I noticed I got very thirsty from the warm air blowing into my face and drying my mouth out, so I ran a tube from the water cooler up to here.

My second real problem happened when my leg fell asleep, so I started kicking it around to try and get the blood flowing again. Some coworkers heard the thumping and starting hitting the duct walls with a broom handle. I made my best "possum mama" noise and now they're leaving me alone, thinking I'm caring for my possum babies. I overheard them say they'll call a pest control company if I'm still in the duct tomorrow. Problem is, these reports are going to go on for weeks. Hopefully I can remain completely silent until then.

Getting hungry, though. And I need to go to the bathroom. I wonder how much more tubing I've got. Maybe I can run some extra tubes? I'll see what I can do once everyone's gone for the day. Oh gosh, I hope I don't mix up the tubes.