Eddies Warning: This one goes far, even for me. While that warning sinks in, bear in mind that between my Notes on Facebook and my Journal on Gaiaonline in the past year I have made light of lesbian koalas, Muppet gangs, forced clown cannibalism, and pterodactyl porn without flinching.
Often within the realm of intellectual discourse, scholars stumble upon a question or a problem unto which no unanimous solution can be afforded. This is usually the case with matters that are seemingly limited to our own subjectivity – our tastes, preferences, desires – allowing us only to “agree to disagree”. And this is generally understandable; after all, while you and I may enjoy pepperoni on our pizza, there is no objective measure by which we can rationally argue it as the best topping.
But there is one debate that I believe is not limited to subjectivity and which has a clear, unquestionable, objective solution, and that is the question of which Sailor Scout is the most ********.
Before we can even pursue a definitive answer to this question, we must define our criteria for “********”. “********” is not merely one’s physical ability to be ******** – as in, a dog is ******** because it has a penetrable orifice but a slab or marble is not because it does not – but also the degree to which one could be ******** under normal conditions.
Normal conditions are as follows: we, the ********, are a heterosexual male with typical heterosexual male tendencies. That is, our tastes and habits do not deviate from the typical societal norm. For this reason we can eliminate Chibi Moon from discussion because she is prepubescent and thus not “********”. The same applies to Chibi Chibi, who is both a child and some sort of abstract corporeal entity, neither of which we would normally ********. Moreover, Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune are lesbians in a committed relationship, so it is doubtful that they too would be ******** under these conditions. Granted, many scholars theorize most lesbians are just faking and can be broken of their man-hating habits by a variety of simple procedures, most common of which is the standard “deep dicking”, however such matters are still heavily debated. Besides, having to break a woman of her lesbian tendencies merely adds to our wooing workload, and thus decreases ********. For simplicity’s sake, Uranus and Neptune will be classified as “Not ********” as opposed to “Ultra Low Tier”.
I doubt most scholars would object to Sailor Mercury and Sailor Moon herself being assigned to our “Low Tier” of ********. Sailor Mercury is rarely portrayed as anything more than a frigid scholar, completely absorbed in her school work, possessing few other hobbies or special interests. Yes, you could ******** her if you so desired, but it would be entirely passionless and sterile, like ******** a pig’s fresh carcass–warm, yes, but hardly mobile or responsive. Additionally, her constant intellectual banter would prove tiresome and would create too difficult an environment for any sane man to sustain an erection. The same is not true of Sailor Moon, who is obviously far less frigid and far easier to interact with, plus her kisses taste like bubblegum, which is also a plus. But then why assign her to the low tier? First of all, she is in a committed relationship with Tuxedo Mask; granted, as an adversary he’d hardly be threatening, what with his limp-wristed rose throwing and scrawny build–easily dealt with by a simple shotgun to the face–but being faced with any sort of competitor merely adds to the time and effort necessary to bed a woman. Second, Sailor Moon has a daughter from the future who is not only irritating as all hell but who would also serve to complicate the relationship. We would be obligated to frequently deliver the all too infamous “I’m not your ******** dad” speech and her presence would consistently serve to derail all sexual tension. Why settle for Sailor Moon when there so many other Sailor Scouts who have no such baggage?
Sailor Pluto and Sailor Saturn are among the least developed characters throughout the entire run of the animated series. Other than their looks, which are comparable to that of their other scouts, there is really no criteria by which they can be judged. Obviously, Sailor Saturn is not ******** in baby form, ala the beginning of Sailor Stars but I must concede that Sailor Saturn under the possession of Mistress 9 would actually be quite the terrifically viscous ********, with biting and scratching, among other acts of kinky fun. “She definitely looks like she knows how to take a d**k,” a colleague argued. However, the fact that she is evil, and the ephemeral nature of the whole possession, still would keep her from being included in the “Top Tier”. And, on a purely technical note, Mistress 9 possession is not default Sailor Saturn, so its relevance to this discussion is questionable. All in all, there is no obvious reason to assume anyone would have a particularly difficult or easy time ******** either of these two, nor anything to imply it wouldn’t be good. Therefore we must default them to “Mid Tier”.
This only leaves us with Sailor Venus, Sailor Mars, and Sailor Jupiter for our high tier. We can justify their presence by first asserting there are no particular limitations in pursuing them; they are heterosexual, they are not in committed relationships, and they have been known to fawn over men. Next, we can see that they each have their own particular positive qualities; for instance, Sailor Venus is the Sailor Scout of love, therefore it is not unreasonable to assume she would be particularly affectionate and amorous, the kind of woman you “make love” to, not just merely ********. Sailor Mars is a Shinto priestess and has the ability to exorcise demons, which I know would benefit me personally in many ways, and has, appropriately enough, a rather fiery personality. Whereas Venus would ******** with passion, Mars would ******** with fervor, as if she were trying to break your very manhood from your body. Thus we would be foolish to deny them spots in the “Top Tier”.
< But what of Sailor Jupiter? Surely we did not forget her? Of course not, as we have asserted upon initiating this discussion, there can be only one objective answer to who is the most ******** Sailor Scout. Our eliminative process has restricted our final candidates to Mars, Venus, and Jupiter, and the exclusion of Jupiter from the "Top Tier" can only mean I believe her to be the most ********. But how can I defend this claim? Jupiter obviously fulfills the same difficulty requirements as the other two, but it is her unique characteristics that allow her to outshine them. Of all the scouts she is considered the best cook, and while snuggling and exorcising demons have their benefits, neither is as consistently useful as cooking ability. On average, we eat three times a day, seven days a week; how often do we need a good snuggle? How often do we need a demon exorcised? Next, Jupiter is the physically largest Sailor Scout. Not only is she simply the tallest, but her thighs and posterior are the most muscular, allowing her to crush you like some sort of wildly erotic sex vice. Being the most physically powerful you know you could engage her in wild and viscous acts of animalistic ********. And when she finishes bruising the living hell out of your manhood, she can make you a milkshake or some fudge cake. Being the biggest tomboy of the group, after having sex and eating, and then having more sex, you could snuggle up on the couch and play LittleBigPlanet with her.
Using clear, objective, scientific examination skills, we have found a solution to a problem most scholars would have incorrectly labeled as “subjective”. Remember, readers, all things can be explored through the rational means I have demonstrated today.
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