I feel really awful. When my 'x' has had a bad day I always, always say the wrong thing, it has always been that way. I never know that she's had a bad day and I don't even try to do it on purpose. It makes me feel awful. I feel like an utter failure. I honestly had the chance with the woman I've dreamed of for years and I've lost her. When we were together she would occasionally have guys and girls ask her out or check her out. I didn't love her only for her beauty. I'm falling apart now without her and it's my own fault. I honestly never thought my insomnia and chronic migraines would return. My eyes hurt and don't see properly from the lack of sleep, I am gaining weight and ballooning to the largest I've possibly ever been. I'm easily agitated and grumpy and depressed. I'm just falling apart. There just must be something wrong with me that just naturally repels her from me. I hate after seven years that I still can't say the ******** right thing. And she feels so lost from me, she has no reason in the world to talk to me at all and she could just drift off. I know I have to let her drift, she says she won't forget me but I know she will. I think she is trying really hard right now, she's trying really hard right now fighting for herself trying to discover herself and to better herself, to just escape from everything. But how could she when she has me clinging to our diseased relationship and trying to 'fix' it. Last month I tried to regain her interest, I tried doing what I thought I did best and by being romantic; then I tried being funny and made fun of myself. I have to just stop. I feel so sick and I am without her, but she doesn't love me. She needs space and not me being freakishly creepy. It's killing me. I must be able to let go though for her sake, but my heart doesn't want to. She even tried getting me to make new friends or talk to old friends, even if I had fifteen people to talk to when ever I wanted I still wouldn't forget her. All I would talk about with those fifteen people would be about her and how it was all my fault she wasn't mine. I guess I better try and sleep a few hours.
· Sun Mar 31, 2013 @ 12:12pm · 0 Comments