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The Chronicles of Esan!
Writing, rants, and confessions, oh my!
My entries have been rather scarce as of late. I've been preoccupied with an assortment of things, but most have been tucked neatly away, giving me the free time that I had lost. I don't exactly know what to type about yet. I suppose I'll congratulate myself. I've finally done it. I've finally finished writing a chapter one and moved onto chapter two. That doesn't sound like a big achievement, I know, but I tend to get bored and move onto writing something different after chapter one. I think of some grand introduction for the story, type it out, then I think, "actually, I bet I can think of a better one." So then I scrap it, and make another chapter one. This cycle has kept me at chapter one for who knows how many years. I've finally broken it, however. It feels good. I hated myself for leaving so many things unfinished, but now I suppose I'm turning over a new leaf. Chapter two has a start, and I'm already thinking of a chapter three. Writing is so much easier when you actually, well, write it. Typing gives me better details, but actual pen on paper really helps the imagination within me come out and help. So I write my stories, then type them later, adding in whatever details I thought I missed, maybe fixing something, adding something, the improvements can be large or small. But it's fun. It's fun writing, and it's fun improving it.
Ah, and as for turning over a new leaf, I have managed to change myself for the better. I no longer take things too seriously. Now that isn't a huge feat due to me only being to do so through music. But I've found a certain genre that soothes me, and allows me to lighten up. It's most likely the reason why I didn't snap at Sarah and Kayla last night. It's funny how Sarah used to be the one who kept me calm, but now she's been replaced by music. Also, I know she said that it was Kayla saying everything, but it reflects badly on her as well. It was a mistake giving her a second chance. I don't plan to talk to her anymore.
They said I'm a child for hating her. I hated her, I moved on. And hate isn't what makes someone immature. How you use that hate determines your maturity. I released it in my entries, I didn't try to hurt her or anyone else with it. I merely typed. Now how they concluded that that was childish, I will never know. I suppose ranting over the past might have looked a tad immature, but it's something everyone gives into every once in awhile. A guilty pleasure to talk badly of the past, to shift the blame and try to forget. I believe a confession is in order, as well. While I have forgotten some minor things, I remember most of what Sarah and I did together. I heavily exaggerated due to me thinking that if I kept saying it, maybe I'd believe it. The same way I did with saying I hate her. Saying it over and over did work. I never once said, however, that my way of moving on was the right way. I wasn't happy to hate her. I didn't enjoy it. You think it'll help. You think that if you can change the love into hate, you'd stop hurting, yes? No. A sudden shift in emotions like that can be absorbing and painful. I didn't feel better hating her, no more than I did loving her but not being with her. Now it's all void. Hating her kept her in my mind. In a sense, I didn't move on. She was still in my heart and mind, just in a negative light. Dispersing the hatred is what allowed me to move on. I suppose I did go about it rather immaturely, I've learned the best way of moving on is to just stop thinking about it. It's what I've always done, I have no idea what convinced me that hating her would be a better solution. I assume I thought it'd be faster. It wasn't. I also blamed her, which is something I normally try to avoid. I tried to shift all the blame on her. Saying it was all her fault, she treated me badly, she did this, and she did that. It was unfair how she treated me, yes, but it could be argued that I was even more unfair with how I reacted to it. We're both to blame, perhaps I bear a greater fraction of the blame. It's not guilt, however. I don't feel guilty for how I acted. A little ashamed, yes, but I'm more happy than anything else. I'm happy that I moved on from her and myself. That I got over who I was turning into. I'm glad to know that I stopped that horrible transformation I was going through. I managed to halt it, and dispel it. The hate is gone, the blame is gone. I feel at peace. I can't help, however, but feel that something is missing. Missing being ironic, due to it's there, but I don't know what it is. That was a horrible and confusing explanation. Well, what I meant to say was that there's something else within me that I need to get rid of, or accept. I don't know what. I have an idea, but that'd crush my pride.
Typing that sentence helped me figure it out.
Pride. That's the last part. It's time to throw out that useless thing. I must swallow my pride and do something. Something that I may come to regret, but it must be done. When I gather the strength, I will do it, although it goes against what I said a few paragraphs ago. I'll have to consult a friend though, to know how to go about it.
Sarah, you're most likely reading this. If not, then my previous sentence was pretty awkward. I don't blame you, and I'm sorry that I resorted to blaming and hating. That was wrong of me. It was immature of me. It's really hard saying sorry to you now. I don't know why. It's hard saying sorry to anyone now. I suppose that ties into the pride thing.
Pride is good, but too much of it can be the end of you. Like candy. A little is nice, but if you have too much then you'll get fat and get some health problems, or a TV show. Like that Honey BooBoo person. My gods, what a disgusting creature.
I'm not calling fat people disgusting, I know many who are adorable and kind. I'm just saying that BooBoo person is a filthy, vile, chunky rodent. She repulses me. That was mean of me. Oh well.

Onto a lighter topic. I plan to get my picture up soon. I've been bugged for almost four years now to upload a picture of myself. Guess it's about time I do so.

Well, that's all I have to say for now. I plan to make another entry later, which could be the most awkward thing I ever do.





 
 
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