Oborekomu
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Well, I've come to the conclusion that I have some kind of problem. Last night my boyfriend had a bunch of people over- before he got home I was stuck waiting with his sister and her friend extremely awkwardly for him to return.. I kept saying things like "Oh he said he'd just be right back.." as they continuesly asked me to text him.. I kept flicking back and forth between Tosh.0 and Rediculousness, but I could tell they rather hang out with my boyfriend than me (sorry I'm not extremely ******** entertaining.. my bad) Anyways he came home and a few more people came over and it was fun- but for some reason I just can't be too excited at all about anything. If I'm interested I must pretend to be so. Is that how life is for everyone all the time? How can you be happy pretending?
But at the end of the night I was hungry, and decided to make myself an english muffin. I went to the kitchen toasted it, and sat down a moment (I hate eating in front of people) and watched a little bit of what was on tv.. until my boyfriends friend comes over and looks at me asking "Ash what are you doing?" and I replied "eating an english muffin." sort of in a stammering way- I never really can reply off the bat like that. Then he looked at me as if I was hiding something, "No really- what are you doing?.... Come on Ash, why don't you go hang out with everyone in the other room?" the conversation was taking an extremely awkward turn for me since I really wasn't trying to avoid anyone- just trying to enjoy my dinner of an english muffin.. He continued on while I ate asking me why I never went out with my boyfriend to their mutual friends house, and I replied that "You guys smoke, drink, and make music- its not really my scene." He sort of tried to say that they didn't drink all the time.. but then couldn't disagree with the fact they always smoke and play music. Right at that point my boyfriends sister and friend left along with the two other people that had come over. After everyone had left it was like a really hot and heavy blanket was lifted off of me.. and I was happier. Why am I so happy alone, and yet yearn for attention.. but when I get some I couldn't be more uninterested?



Well anyways, today was an extremely nice spring day.. My boyfriend had two friends over (even though he was barely 'home') his idea of home is stepping inside for 4 minutes to get something and then leaving again. They invited me to go and sit at the skateboard park and eat pizza- but of course I declined. The one friend from last night's 'English Muffin' chat said, "Aww com'monnn." and then my boyfriend said something along the lines of "When we were in high school you used to love sitting up at the skate park." I declined again.. with some excuse I cant even remember I think I said it was cold out.. even though it was wonderful out. They all eventually left, bringing me a slice of pizza back.. which I ate alone sitting with my dog on the couch watching BRAVO TV's Millionaire match maker.. I sat outside a little bit to try and get my spirits up but even though the weather was wonderful inside my head feels like a foggy thick cloud that won't blow away. I feel like I'm on the verge of a mental break down and have no one to really talk to. Everyone I really come out to either cannot hand my emotions- let alone their own (my father the manic depressant!) or freak out on me and tell me that all I do is complain and never want to go out.. and that I'm such a sob story (My boyfriend). I have no friends that are girls that could understand me. I feel utterly alone. It really shows how alone I am that the ONLY place I can openly speak what is on my mind- is a child's website such as GAIA. I feel like no one reads s**t here- when I start forums no one actually reads my first post.. they read the topic and reply on that-- or maybe skim through the first few sentences and then write their response. ******** everyone. I'm so tired of trying to get to know you all.. no one really wants to get to know me, and if you do.. I'm too weird. so ******** you all.