sora wonk
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vanishing acts
various have been pulled

1. dark

2. i have begun deleting my journal entries, starting with the earliest. i'm archiving them on a word doc: one page per entry. it's a nice feeling. like i'm erasing bits of myself that i have hated for a long time.

3. we cooked an emu egg! it tastes like a chicken egg, except less eggy. and then all the guests left one by one, and i sat on the couch with my boyfriend in a tangle and we watched stupid comedy routines and it was a nice saturday.

it's nice to run a finger across his lips. i like him a lot. i want to be entertaining.

4. all finals in a month or less. if i get less than a B on any class, please come over personally and punch me in the chin. for once i don't feel like i'm desperately scrambling to not fail. i'm average. just dead average. an improvement...but not good enough i guess. well.

5. having problems with my best friend/ ex girlfriend. (well haha these ex problems sure set in late). she's just no fun to talk to anymore. everything she says is bland as ******** when i try to talk to her, but when i don't talk to her, she wants to know if i'm there. and then she always leaves conversations hanging without a word to do hw or game with her harem of gamer boys.

we've been friends for 6 years now. i don't want to throw that away, but i feel like i am behaving very irrationally.

i get really angry when she doesn't reply for a long time. my boyfriend doesn't always reply instantly...but it's different...

i react differently. because i know he loves me and because...

i don't know actually. i just react badly. usually i leave cold passive aggressive remarks like "well you're no fun to talk to" and log off while being obviously online doing other things. and that's immature. and that's no way to fix a relationship,

but i guess i want her to be honest for goddamn once.

i'm always the one saying things like, "you've been a terrible friend to me lately" and "we don't talk enough." she'll say, "yeah, i've been thinking that actually!" but like i feel like

when she has a problem with someone, she just gossips with all her other friends about it. i guess it's a strategic way to build intimacy with other friends; diffuse the importance of a single friendship. but it feels so sly...

and that makes me wonder whether there's any point in being friends with her anymore.

on facebook, we're related. but i don't want to be her brother anymore. and that's terrible, but i don't. it's so superficial. so many other people actually listen to the things i say and consider the things i give them and put aside time for me instead of dropping by with a few bland, meaningless words.

i know i'm not being unreasonable, because she legitimately doesn't click on any of the links i give her to cool songs or articles or things i know she's interested in and because she'll start a conversation, like "OMG i carried so hard as sivir and i still lost!" and i'll be like, "awww what happened?" and then she won't reply for three hours.

and i KNOW how awkward this sounds. it's hard to stay friends with someone when you only communicate via skype and facebook for 99% of the year. (i invite her over, but she never comes. sometimes i drop by on holidays to her dorm.)

but yeah. i don't know, you know. i don't know if it's worth it.

i feel like it's jinxed because my coworker said, "if you're still friends with someone after high school, they're your friend for life." but i mean

no. it's not going well. i don't understand her. i don't know her.

or is that just an excuse i'm making for myself so i can give myself permission to not work on this and just bail, as i tend to do with all problems?

see, i don't know. usually i understand all my motives.

and that's been my life thus far!