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Sir's Journal
Selfish
I stopped giving a damn when you stopped paying attention.

Why repeat the same thing more than three times? Once repeated is enough. Twice is when you’re starting to play games. Three times is insanity.

And damn, was I ******** insane to keep trying with you. Do you even remember my birthday? Favorite color? How I like my tea served or my boots tied? You tied them enough that you should know; you got in positions one through six enough times to have them memorized, but let’s see now if you would remember if I told you to get into five, the one you couldn’t seem to remember for the life of you even though I made the order a pattern for ease.

If a slave couldn’t remain devoted, how on earth could someone else? “Mine,” I repeat in my head, “mine,” as I touch your body trying to feel like there is something in this world that is for my hands alone. Tell me again how I’m the only one who makes you feel like that. Tell me again how I’m the only one who knows how to ******** you, who knows how to brush against that spot just right. Tell me again.

Or was that a lie too, when you called me that stupid title and begged me to fill you? Because of you, I need to rely on my cynical thoughts and say no, it was all a lie, you didn’t want any part of me.

That is fine. You didn’t have to want any part of me to serve me. But you didn’t do that either, and so I have to wonder why you wasted my time, trying to get a person to learn my protocol who had no interest in me. I would say no interest in me beyond sex, but if that was a lie then that wasn’t real either.

I’m selfish for being there for you selflessly. I’m selfish for thinking that you meant it when you said, “Please call me if you need anything.” I’m selfish for calling you five minutes after, hoping that you would give me a damn hug because I’m so ******** alone no matter who’s around me. I’m selfish for thinking that you would want to learn with me and grow with me. I’m selfish for actually caring for you like you belonged to me, when it is so clear now that your slave heart did not belong to me at all.

So damn selfish. And I do not regret it at all.





 
 
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