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Synabun
Anything to everything that's meant something to me.
Feeling "something" again
As crazy as it seems, I'm dating the boy of my dreams once again. We've been in love with each other through the bad and good times and even the times we've been apart. I've only felt this feeling twice in my life. With a boy who I loved when I was in grade 10 and with a boy who I've known since 2009.

The boy who had stolen my heart the first time had broken it and left me there to bleed. I had no love to give to someone and I kept searching for someone, anyone to feed them. I dated so many times but none of the relationships felt right. When I was getting closer to Jaryd, over the years he and I knew each other, I grew a bond with him. It was so much stronger than any of the other friendships I've gained over the computer, over Gaia. When he and I would talk, my heart would flutter and the things he and I spoke about gave me a strong feeling in my stomach that it was really hard to understand what that feeling was. May twenty-second of the year twenty-twelve, he and I became one. The relationship that I wanted so desperately to have with him had begun. My heart exploded with a happiness I have never felt in the longest time ever. It was nearly like OD'ing on a drug, just having that euphoric feeling, I just loved it. Our bond grew stronger and stronger as the days passed up until July came around. Depressed and being overwhelmed with stress, he had broken up with me. The pain was bad and I only hoped it were a nightmare but I had to accept that it was reality and I had to deal with it.

That summer was the most painful one to pass by. Everyday I thought about him, I had no way of contacting him, and all I could do is think. I asked questions that I knew wouldn't be answered and it just seemed that love was hopeless to me. Then, I met this boy named Jared. Names so similar to the boy I loved that I hoped he would be just like him. It wasn't before too long that I had to break Jareds heart, just because I felt guilty for holding him back from loving someone else.

Until September, I spent everyday alone and I didn't dare let anyone touch my heart again. I sent Jaryd a message just to tell him that I hadn't forgot about him and surprisingly he hadn't forgotten about me. I felt happy again, but only for that moment because I reminded myself that he wouldn't, couldn't, love me again. I let my heart speak for me and I had to tell him that I still loved him. It took a while for him to respond again but he said that he still felt the same.

September twenty-third, we had become a couple again. The feeling of having our hearts connected again made everyday feel perfect. Even while I was at school, I thought about him. Every project and assignment I'd done had a smidgen of our relationship in it. I was consumed by this drug, by him.

I was so stressed by the time December came around that I had thought out during the winter break to drop out of the school. Friends told me they'd support me with my decisions because they saw how unhappy I was. Even though I'd go to school with a smile on my face, masking the sadness I had inside of me. It was also taking a toll on our relationship. I was in mental pain and suffering from the early stages of depression and insomnia. I knew I had to take action before I went deeper into this hole I had caused.

January, I had dropped out of the institution I joined and loved. It was my dream school and I loved everyone there. The classmates, the teachers and the admin. Everyone there made the school feel like home. But, I had to make things right for myself and do what I had to do. I left the school, not because I hated it, but because it wasn't what I wanted to do for a career. Animator seems like a really cool career to choose but I always preferred being active with myself. I enjoyed the outdoors and nature and animals. I knew then that that's where I had to look into for careers.

It wasn't even two weeks after I had left the school that Jaryd decided to let me go again. This time, I didn't know if I could deal with myself anymore. The stages of loneliness had taken its toll on me once again and I had searched for someone to love. For about two months I had falling in and out of love. Constantly breaking someones heart by denying them or ending what seemed like a possible relationship. A couple times, I had lost my mind. I scratched at my arms 'til they were sore and a couple times I rubbed my arms hard enough to cause bruises. I needed something to take my mind off of him and causing pain to myself helped. Every night I had cried myself to sleep because every dream and memory I had with him kept reminding me of what I used to have.

March finally came around and after I had posted my forum in Life Issues, seeking help for this heartache that begun to ruin my life, I got a message from one of his accounts. My heart nearly stopped and I began to think that I would have something with him again. I wasn't sure about it because of the possible heartache that could happen again, but it was a risk I had to take.

And now it's nearly a week after he and I began talking again. I haven't cried since and the heartache is gone. My heart skips every time he signs into Skype or whenever I see him online on Gaia. It's still racing to this point that I'm writing this and even some tears are coming to my eyes just because of how happy I am.

I know I love him and the only way I can truly show this to anyone is just to show them the smile that he's brought me. All the memories, laughs, everything we've done together keeps replaying in my mind. I try not to think about the bad times, but they are still there. They linger far behind all the good times but I know I won't forget them.

Jaryd, you have no idea how much I do love you. Everyday with and without you is a challenge and I'm risking it all just to have a future with you. Some people say it's useless to fall in love with someone so far away but with a lot of hope, faith, courage, dedication and will power, I know we can make this last and make it work. I'm hoping to someday fly out to meet you and spend a little while with you, just to see what life would be like there. And maybe someday you can do the same here. I love you, more than you'll ever know and I hope you know that. I won't let anything come between us, none of the past mistakes nor any of the present and future.

I am so glad to have you back. ♥





 
 
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