I have got a lot to say ...
I thought my past love and I had come to terms the other day, it was as if we had come to an unspoken agreement. It felt so good and we just talked and it was nice. And then today I e-mailed and it just seemed so .. distant and unwanted. She was like stating clear boundaries. I respect it but it was just kinda hurtful. Mind you I am use to her moods, she lets little things flip her mood and she takes it out on me but it didn't feel like that. I have to honestly say that to me she is still like a little girl, she doesn't know what she really wants. I just keep getting this feeling that she is hiding something from me and I wish she could just talk to me and let it out, that is why I am here. I also feel like she is utterly conflicted, broken, and confused but so strongly conflicted. I just wish she could talk to me so badly, I'd listen but all I could do is simply be here for her. I wouldn't even care if what she needed to say was horribly bad and about me. But that's why I am so worried for her, her sweet little girlishness, I would just be so mad at myself if she fell in with someone really beastly. I try too hard I think to be there for her. I e-mail and call constantly so she knows I am here for her and half for myself because she's my world. I am afraid to leave her because I think she'd forget me or think that I'd abandoned her or think that I am ignoring her. But damn it, I need to give her damn space. She is not me, I need to keep saying that to myself, she is not me. Because I use to give her all the time I had to myself, I never had time to myself. Do you know why? She wasn't a person she was so much more and for her I just broke all the boundaries no matter what she did. She is perfect and flawless in my eyes, she could commit a murder and it'd be perfectly ligament to me. I didn't need time to myself when I had her she was just an extension of me, my better half, she completed me. And in my mind I could not begin to fathom why she could be away from me. Why she needed space away from me. She is not me. I smother, I am an extremist, I want it all or I want nothing. She is not me and love, her love is not like mine. Not like my fantasy love. We love being in love, we love the thought of love. But she is not me.
· Tue Mar 26, 2013 @ 10:11am · 0 Comments