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The Worse Kind
My mind is jumbled. I keep thinking of my 'x' and if it is really over .. I think it is. She doesn't love me she says. When you love someone, you can't stand to be away from them, she can stand being away from me for weeks. I feel lost, I could of sworn she was the one. I can see her forgetting me, being too busy to even think of me. I can see her with someone else laughing and being their brat and forgetting me. She hardly would remember the conversations we had, was that a bad sign? I don't move on so I suppose I should do my best to closet this like many other things. If you loved or liked someone you would call them or text them even after a hard days work. I feel so lost and alone and I haven't been sleeping and the changing of the seasons only makes it worse. On top of all this my mom and her husband are planning on moving out of state. This great move is supposed to fix all our problems financial .. It is thought my brother and I will find jobs and everything will be peachy. It's either Utah or Colorado and I do not want to go to Colorado, I know nothing of Colorado other than it's vast shooting and legal drugs. I know Utah, I lived there half a year and I shouldn't of left. I'm thinking if this great move occurs .. you know, I don't know what I'm thinking. I don't know what to do. I am thinking of Utah because I would be free, I know people there, but Colorado is more likely a place for my love, she wouldn't want to go to Utah. But what is the point if she doesn't love me? All this isn't clear or communicated between us. She wants to be friends, 'x's as friends usually doesn't work and it's not as if I can simply stop thinking of her and do as I please .. No. I keep her thoughts in account. I don't know, I'm so confused and lost. With her everything had been clear, we were going to live together and get an apartment and go to school and graduate and get a house and have a little girl with curly blonde hair and green eyes. ********, maybe that was only my idea, maybe I didn't really know her at all. And where am I now? Lost and a blank future. All I see now is a quaint cabin me and a few cats, lonely nights filled with books, hot tea, chocolate, and a fireplace; and a job I really hate and getting old and one day they find me old and dead in front of the fireplace. And my brother and sisters bury me in a ******** box in the ground (I don't want to be buried, wrote about it on here). All the years I had been with my 'x', I think the only fault I really had was constantly breaking up with her, being difficult to deal with, and being mental. I think all I really wanted hear her say and meant it, 'I ******** love you so much' and then a laugh. She was so amazing when she was young, she was so free, and bold, and a little rockstar. I feel in love with that rockstar and I thought that's what she'd always be, I was wrong. I wanted to be like her, I thought maybe she'd make me cool like her. It all went wrong in every way possible .. I miss those special moments though when she made me feel like every single humanly imaginable pain was worth her love an I'd endure it again and again. She made me believe in love. But it's only her love and now I think it is over forever and it's just me again. Just me again, the soloist. It will take some time getting use to again after seven years, but I'll manage. My closet awaits.

Wicked Alyce
Community Member
  • [06/28/13 01:51pm]
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