I don't know why I get so many views on my journal posts when I barely ever talk to anyone on here. I don't understand who would want to read my private business anyway? Ugh.
Anyway I'm feeling down right now.
Just lately I haven't been feeling good enough for anything.
I feel bad about my appearance and bad about my personality.
Worst of all,I feel bad for feeling bad.
I feel like I should force myself to be confident because that's whats attractive.
I am happy when I'm confident.
Then I wonder, why am I so concerned about being attractive? I guess it's because I'm back with Cain. I do think he's really good looking and I want to be I guess you'd say the perfect girl for him. Then I realise I probably never can be because I'm stuck with my body. I'm flat chested and I have big thighs. There are tons of girls which are prettier than me.
Then my personality. I'm lazy. I worry too much and I seem to have some kind of social anxiety towards people. I mean I can talk to people IRL okay I suppose but lately I've been feeling awkward with eye contact. I suppose it's just because I've been feeling ugly. When I look at people I just wonder if they'll be thinking the same thing I think about myself. I'm a bit shy with most people I guess, I worry way too much. There was a time when I was really happy because I'd gotten over these problems and I don't know why they're back :/
Maybe just because I'm trying to be something I'm not. I know he likes me for who I am, and I know friends have liked me for that too. I just don't feel good enough at all lately like I'm letting everyone down. I just wish I could please people more l: All I ever do is make a bigger mess of things, and I know people must think I'm a total idiot but it makes me sad because nobody knows the real me because I find it really hard to express myself to people. The more time goes by the more I get scared nobody will ever know me, because I'm always trying to pretend I'm something I'm not and most of all I'm so scared of making a fool out myself that I don't be brave at all.
I know I'll probably feel better about my looks soon.
I guess most of all I want to be happy.
I should be right now..I hate the fact that I'm not. Oh well.
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