First of all, if I could hug you I would. Like, forever.
I'll be replying in order of the paragraphs you wrote on your tumblr, sorry if it's a little disjointed in context..
Wanting attention is not a bad thing. Unless of course it is making you miserable. Then you should absolutely stop. Concentrate on what makes YOU happy, no matter what other people say or 'expect' of you.
It's sad that I, a complete stranger to you, can tell you it's okay and not your friends or whomever you want to hear "it'll be okay" from. No one should be guilt tripping you. No fandom or person or people should be able to make you do something you don't want to continue. I wish your peers would realize all that about you, and again, I don't even know you. I just know that NO ONE deserves to feel like you do, period.
Ma'am, I have seen you in videos, pictures, ect. You are beautiful. Seriously ******** beautiful. If people can't see that, they don't have eyes. They don't have hearts. Is/are your hair, freckles, breasts, height and voice truly who you are? Are your parent's difficulties who you are? No damn way.
No one, not a damn soul deserves to be teased/jeered/bullied, whatever you want to call it.
"...if a kid breaks..
and no one around chooses to hear
do they make a sound?
are they just the background noise
of a soundtrack stuck on repeat
when people say things like
kids can be cruel?"
"I wanted my offline friends to comfort me instead of seeking the help of strangers I only know online. I wanted the people I see in person every day to notice that my stress is literally killing me." I know I may not be helping this. Neither you nor I can make people notice your feelings or give two shits about your stress.
"There are a lot of responsibilities in real life weighing down on my shoulders, and I am just one person." It's true.. but believe me, the weight will only crush you if you allow it to.
"..but I want to tell them
that all of this s**t
is just debris
leftover when we finally decide to smash all the things we thought
we used to be
and if you can’t see anything beautiful about yourself
get a better mirror
look a little closer
stare a little longer
because there’s something inside you
that made you keep trying
despite everyone who told you to quit
you built a cast around your broken heart
and signed it yourself
you signed it
“they were wrong”
..."because how can you hold your ground
if everyone around you wants to bury you beneath it
you have to believe that they were wrong"
"I’m only human." So am I, dear. And everyone else. What is humanity? Is it beauty? Is it ugliness? It is both, and we all know it. But how we see it is what we choose. I'm not saying you need to ignore everything bad and pretend you're happy, or that you are being pessimistic. Everyone, especially those in difficult situations like yourself, have the damn right to feel however they wish. No one should blame you for this. No one should be hurting you for your humanity.
Oh god, please do not think this is a lecture, a slap on the wrist or anything like that. I'm seriously trying to help, and if I'm not helping, please, please don't take this as criticism of any kind.
"Why does being a fan voice actor—a voice actor commonly associated with the latest fandom cancer, at that—bar me from having feelings like everyone else?" You have feelings though. This whole message you wrote is infused with so much feeling.. "Why must I become some sort of self-esteem martyr for the people who claim that my music have “saved” them?" You do not have to be a martyr for anyone. You have the power of choice and you always will. "Why do I keep asking myself stupid questions like “Then who will save me?” That is far from being a stupid question. That is a full of feeling, honest question that deserves an answer. "I know the answer. No one is coming. Nobody cares. That’s how the real world works."
"..we are not what we were called we are not abandoned cars stalled out and sitting empty on a highway
and if in some way we are
we only got out to walk and get gas
we are graduating members from the class of
******** off we made it
not the faded echoes of voices crying out
names will never hurt me
And if I may say so, though you may not believe it and I will not blame you if you don't believe me when I say: "I care". If I could come for you I would. I would kick open the ******** door of your life and take you through a new one where the world is a less cruel place. If I could be there in person, I'd be a shoulder for you to lean on. I know. I do not fully understand what you are going through. I can try to relate as best I can: my parents split up, and while my dad was alive their relationship was a terror. I have been bullied all my life (because of my freckles, glasses, breasts, braces, short hair), have depression issues, OCD and have considered suicide as well. But no one but you knows your own pain. All I can do is care. And care I do. Truly. I wish I could show you my full sincerity, but alas I am also lacking in expression of things I feel inside. I don't know what to do for you or what I can do to help, I just know I want to with all of my being. This may be hard for you to believe as we have never met or talked.. But please know this is the complete truth..I am literally shaking as I type this.
Again, no one should ostracize you for anything, especially something like gender or disability. "This isn’t new." You're right. And it's a terrible thing.
"I’m sorry that I ever sullied the Homestuck fandom with my disgusting existence. I’m sorry that I’m emotional, that I have feelings, and that I post about them because I used to think I was allowed to say whatever I wanted on my own blog." Don't be sorry. Never EVER be sorry. I'm sorry, it may seem like I'm telling you what to do, but the fandom is wrong. All who have ever bullied you or placed you on a pedestal are WRONG! This goes for your disability as well. Like you said, it is not your fault. Nor is it some kind of 'excuse'. It is a legitimate reason and difficulty that others must deal with as well as yourself. It is not wrong to have feelings, emotions, thoughts or flaws. They're what make you beautiful, at least to me and anyone who can see.
"The fact that someone would tell me that I want attention, and the fact that they’re probably right, only serves as further proof that I don’t deserve the kindness I’ve been shown. I am unworthy of the praise I’ve received." If someone tells you that you want attention and it's true or false, so? Either way it is fine and perfectly legitimate. Wanting attention does not mean you shouldn't get heartfelt kindness or praise. It DOES NOT mean you don't deserve it. Every human with a heart deserves some form of love, so long as it is not suffocating.
"I cannot BELIEVE there are people whose lives have been severely impacted by the fact that I don’t want to voice Broadway Karkat anymore. Why would they care so much about a fictional character? I don’t pretend for even a milisecond that these people actually care for the person who wears the mask. Karkat Vantas isn’t even mine to begin with, remember?" I can't believe it either. You are a human being, not some kind of puppet/mask that performs for people's amusement. I care about you because I can SEE someone behind the mask of gray paint, though, once again, I do not know you..
I can't believe someone would tell you “Don’t sulk. It’s unbecoming.” or “This isn’t something to joke about.” or “Think before you post something as serious as that.” It IS serious. If they can't see that, the feeling in your text, then they need a stronger glasses prescription and a little empathy.
"Sorry to burst your bubble, but I never once claimed to be a perfect specimen of human being. I am not the one who put me on that pedestal. It was you.
You are the ones who killed me." You are right, and I'm glad you said it so frankly. It is all such a damn shame that people drove you to be in such as situation and sadness.
This may seem crazy, difficult, impossible..but please. Don't give up on life. Not yet. “There is no failure except in no longer trying.” If you do not fight, you can never win. Sometimes, and in your case, you may have to start over completely. You may have to get away, loose the 'friends' you have. It will be difficult, rigorous and completely insane. Giving up and/or dying would indeed be easier. I cannot make you have the courage you need to go on. I cannot supply you with resources to help you get out of your predicaments. God and heaven knows I would if I could. At the risk of sounding trite, I wish I knew how to save a life.
All I can say is I care and I mean it with all my heart. And I really, really want you to know that.
Tony The Clock
· Sun Mar 10, 2013 @ 04:56am · 0 Comments