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The Stuff I Sometimes Write
You read the title, you know the deal.
A story for Fate.
So, here we are. It is time to reveal the ridiculous, silly story I have written for Fate's short story contest about her dolls. Please excuse my dumb sense of humour. xD






Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a noble prince. His blonde hair and honey coloured eyes made him the fairest and most radiant boy in the kingdom. Rarely did his elder brothers overshadow his greatness, for he was the chosen heir to the throne.

Upon the king’s tragic and untimely death in a war against the slimy merfolk of the deep - in which the king stubbornly drove his mount into the ocean until it suffocated, dragging him to the ocean floor with his foot caught in the stirrup - it was decided that Prince Kouji would finally assume the throne and become the greatest ruler of all time.

---

“Hold on…” Ren interrupted. “Doesn’t this story sound a little bit egocentric, Kouji?”

“No,” Kouji replied.

“You just described yourself as the ‘fairest and most radiant boy in the kingdom’,” Kai pointed out. “Don’t you think that sounds more like me?”

“So? I made you guys princes, what else do you want from me?”

“I’m not even in the story yet!” Hope pouted.

Everyone was very annoyed with Kouji.

“I’ll get to it, okay?” he said with exasperation.

“Just one other detail I’d like to point out…. The youngest son usually isn’t the heir to the throne,” Ren remarked.

“Okay, thank you for the history lesson, Ren…. I guess this is a good time to let you know only aviators and Olympic swimmers wear goggles on their heads.”

Ren was silent for a moment. “It’s a fashion statement,” he mumbled.

“So, I’m gonna read the rest of the story now.”

Hope crossed his arms. “Okay Kouji, but I don’t have all day, I am a super busy kid with so many irons in the fire.”

“I’ll be done in time for you to get your stupid irons out of the fire.”

And so, the story continued.

---

Great King Kouji stepped onto the balcony of the highest tower in his palace. The stone walls shone golden in the setting sun. He looked out over the capital’s great expanse of buildings, streets, cathedrals, and walls with an overwhelming sense of satisfaction. He nearly shed a tear at the thought that all of this belonged entirely to him.

“Oh Great King Kouji, my lord and master,” his older and much less beautiful brother Ren called as he approached, bowing. “Today is the day of your birth, and I desire to bestow upon you a gift of great sentiment.”

The king turned and stared down at his brother with disinterest. “And what might that be?”

“It is… the Goggles of Aviators Past.” Prince Ren hesitated, and then held out a pair of bronze goggles. “It was a gift to me from our father, but I no longer feel deserving of it, for I am neither an aviator nor an Olympic swimmer.”

Prince Kouji slapped the goggles right out of Prince Ren’s hand. “Fool! Neither am I!” He swept his cape and departed the room in a great huff.

Prince Ren was so shocked and offended that he cried like an infant until his other brother, Kai, entered the room.

Kai had always believed himself to be the most handsome prince in their family, and it was well known that he was envious of Kouji’s inheritance of the throne.

“Why, hello, dear brother,” Kai said to Ren. “You’re looking a little… upset by something.”

“Kouji was rather rude to me,” Ren admitted. “I offered him the Goggles of Aviators Past, and he flat out rejected them…. I suppose there’s no bargaining with this king.”

“Indeed, he is too smart for that,” Kai agreed. “But he is a cruel king, and we must find a way to… persuade him out of the throne.”

“Perhaps we should cut his throat while he sleeps?”

“No!” cried Kai. “That would be dishonourable and could ruin my reputation with the dames for good. No… we must be careful.”

“Dames? Pardon my assumption, but I thought you were ‘playing for the other team’.”

Kai ignored him and put on his smart-looking mage glasses. “I have been studying the ancient arts of persuasion, but we I still have much to learn. We must go to the library.”

“I am reluctant to overthrow a boy as handsome and intelligent as our brother, but… I will go with you in hopes of ending his tyranny.” Ren picked up the Goggles of Aviators Past and neatly fitted them atop his head. “I just want to know one thing,” he said in a very serious tone.

“What is it?” asked Kai.

“Do… the Goggles of Aviators Past befit me? I must know.” Prince Ren clenched his fist and looked away, ashamed for asking such a question.

Kai patted Ren’s shoulder. “Brother, you may not be an aviator or an Olympic swimmer, but those goggles were meant for your head alone.”

Ren looked at Kai, both grateful and tearful. “That is all I needed to hear.” He lifted his head with pride as the two made their way through the corridor to the library in the west wing, which was very much forbidden. Obviously.

Meanwhile, King Kouji was preparing to address two new slaves purchased for him by his faithful advisor as well as court jester, Hope.

“Show me the slaves!” he demanded from his throne, pounding his decorative gold staff on the floor.

“Yes, sire! I have chosen only the best for you,” replied Hope, grinning widely. He was particularly enthusiastic because he actually hadn’t chosen the best slaves possible, and instead chose the children of the village idiot, that tricky little b*****d.

Two peasants approached, of equal size and stature. They were quite obviously twins, though one was male and the other female. When King Kouji laid eyes on the female, he heard music in his head, like that which plays when two lovers run to each other in a softly glowing meadow. She held her two plump breasts in her hands and presented them to the king.

“Brought you some chicken, milord,” she said. She dropped the two chicken breasts on the floor in front of him. Her chest was flat.

Hope quickly retrieved the raw chicken and had some servants clean up the puddle of blood at the king’s feet.

Trying to ignore the girl’s unsightly act, King Kouji addressed her and her brother. “So, what talents can the two of you offer as part of my staff?”

The boy stepped forward. “I am a bard. If you select ‘Play’ from the command menu, I can give an adjacent ally another turn in combat.”

“Mm-hm….” King Kouji was unimpressed. “And you, miss?”

“Oh, I’m great at LOADS of things, sire! Look!” She made a clover shape with her tongue. “And this, too!” she exclaimed, weaving a piece of string through her fingers to create… something. “Cat’s cradle!”

“Yes, well, you’ll do,” he nodded at the girl. “But your brother here is useless. Guards, please escort him outside the palace.”

The girl looked terrified. “Your highness!” She dropped to her knees and begged. “I can’t be apart from my brother! We’re twins, we are! We have to be together! You have brothers, sire, don’t you understand?”

Kouji thought of his brothers. They were just awful.

“Ugh, take him away!” he exclaimed, frowning and holding his forehead.

The young girl was hauled off to be changed and groomed so that she could begin to serve her new master.

When she arrived at the servants’ quarters, she realized that none of the other servants were male. No wonder her brother had been rejected. The other women brushed her hair and fitted a gown for her, all the while chatting about the unfair working conditions in the palace.

“Once, the king made me wax my unibrow in front of him for his amusement,” complained one of the ugly ones.

“I think he likes me,” said the twin.

Everyone stared at her.

“No, truly, I do. He accepted my gift of chicken breasts.”

No one stopped staring at her.

“The king hates chicken breasts,” one of the servants said bluntly.

“Then he must practically be in love with me if he accepted them!” she cried with excitement.

Everyone stared at her so hard.

She ignored them for the rest of the day and went about her business.

That evening, as she lay awake in her servant bed, she imagined the prince dancing with her, and proposing to her, and eating the chicken breasts she brought him with great enthusiasm.

Everyone still stared at her from their adjacent beds, but she didn’t care. She would woo the king with her talent and charm!

---

“Okay, so, I just want to make sure I understand this…” said Ren. “First he forces her to separate from her brother and basically ruins her life, and immediately afterward she’s in love with him and wants him to marry her.”

“Well, clearly she sees a side of the king that you don’t.” Kouji huffed.

“This is dumb, I’m gonna go get my irons out of the fire now,” said Hope.

“Okay, okay, it’s like, almost over, guys. Just bear with me here. Come on,” Kouji insisted.

Everyone grunted in reluctant agreement for the second time and wondered what sort of ridiculous finale this story would have.

---

The next morning could not have been more perfect; the sun was shining, the air was fresh, the breeze was gentle and the temperature was mild. Birds fluttered past the window sill as the young servant brushed her hair and hummed a tune.

King Kouji had requested her presence in the throne room, and her heart was filled with joy. Would he ask her to marry him? Would he tell her how delicious the chicken breasts were?

There was only one problem: she didn’t exactly know how to get to the throne room, and the other servants were too busy staring at her to give her any directions. She decided it would be best if she learned to navigate the palace on her own.

Her journey began with the west wing.

The entrance to the wing was shielded by warning signs instructing passersby to avoid entering at all costs. It was awfully suspicious, and she was awfully curious, but she had a date.

Before she decided which direction to take next, she heard voices approaching from the opposite end of the corridor. Not wanting to be misinterpreted as attempting to enter the west wing, she ducked behind a corner and waited for them to pass.

“That’s ridiculous; I’m the master of persuasion!”

“I don’t entirely doubt you, but we must exercise caution…. What we are about to attempt is very risky.”

“See here, brother. When you gaze into these eyes, do you not feel compelled to act as I say?”

She heard their footsteps pause.

“… If I say yes, will you consider hiring a professional to, er… aid us?”

“No.”

“Then, no.”

“Aha! A double negative! You do not not feel compelled to act as I say. My skills are impeccable.”

“I still don’t quite understand how your eyes alone are supposed to convince the king to relinquish his throne.”

The servant gasped. Someone was plotting against her precious king! And what was more, when she peeked around the corner, she realized it was the princes Ren and Kai – and they were attempting to breach the west wing!

“Halt!” She jumped out into the corridor and pointed at them in accusation. “You trait…ors….” Her voice was suddenly lost as she gazed into Prince Kai’s eyes.

“Ha! I prove myself right again,” Kai said, grabbing the young lady by her hair and dragging her mesmerized body into the west wing with them.

“King Kouji, your highness!” Hope cried urgently, stumbling into the throne room. “I received word from the guard that someone has entered the west wing!”

“WHAT?” Kouji growled, and burst through the doors of the throne room into the hallway to chase down the intruders.

When he departed, Hope crept over to the throne and plopped himself onto it, lounging. “Nice,” he commented.

Kouji was swift, and soon had reached the west wing. One of his guards was there to meet him, and handed him an intimidating mask. “Be safe, my king,” the guard advised him with a bow. Kouji pulled the mask over his face and continued his pursuit.

When he arrived at the old library, he found his brothers hurriedly sifting through old volumes. “How dare you!” he cried. “I treat you like princes, and this is how you repay me? GET OUT!”

“We are princes,” Ren said pointedly. He coughed into his sleeve. “And I do believe we have a right to enter any area of the palace we share.”

Kai said nothing, and simply set his gaze on Kouji, concentrating with all his might.

Kouji scoffed at him. “What are you doing?”

“It’s no use,” said Kai with a sigh. “He’s wearing that mask.” Kai coughed and sputtered for a few moments before regaining his composure. “God, the air in here is foul.”

“Of course it is!” yelled Kouji. “The west wing is off limits because it was condemned for an overgrowth of black mold seven years ago!” He pointed to his mask. “What do you think this is for?”

Ren and Kai looked at each other. This was not good. Not good at all. The amount of Spores they must have inhaled by now had to be lethal.

Ren became distraught. “My God, are we going to die?”

“No!” cried Kai desperately. “No! When I was a lad, I drank four dozen eggs every day to help me get large…. Now that I’m an adult, I drink five dozen eggs, so I’m roughly the size of a barge! I couldn’t possibly die now!”

But the panic that the two princes experienced from discovering their situation caused them to hyperventilate, and soon they passed out on the floor, their lungs filled with Spores.

“I suppose that takes care of them,” King Kouji said to himself. He began to feel relieved and turned to leave the wing when he noticed that someone else had collapsed behind one of the bookshelves. Who could it be?

He let out a gasp. It was that beautiful twin servant girl that he’d enslaved just the other day. He had summoned her to his throne room before this fiasco had started, with the intention of asking for her hand in marriage and complimenting her chicken breasts. How could this have happened?

King Kouji wept with the realization that his brothers were idiots and had ruined his life. He was so thankful that they were probably dead. But how could he go on knowing that the first crush he ever had was dead? He’d learned from plays that “love at first sight” was the only kind of true love, and under that assumption, he would never love again. His life would be devoid of passion. It seemed unbearable.

King Kouji made a difficult decision that day. He removed his mask and sucked in the moldy air until he too had passed out.

Everyone in the west wing library that day was unfortunate enough to die from the black mold exposure. However, not all of them died immediately. In fact, only King Kouji died immediately. Princes Ren and Kai lived into their mid-thirties, but neither took the throne. It seemed like too much responsibility. No, instead, they lived out their lives comfortably in the palace. Kai became a famous hypnotist and Ren became both an aviator and an Olympic swimmer. They appointed Hope to be the new king in Kouji’s stead.

Hope was a horrible tyrant. He forced Kouji’s beloved servant to marry him and subsequently married about a hundred other ladies from across the kingdom, luring them in with his seemingly innocent, child-like features. He was known for his cruel sense of humour and his sociopathic lack of responsibility. He raised taxes dramatically and used all of the money to have a team of scientists invent blue Mountain Dew.

The kingdom would, from then on, remember King Kouji as The Gentle King of Yore, and long for his return.

The End.

(Based on a true story.)

---

Everyone was silent.

“Heck yeah, now I want some blue Mountain Dew.” Hope jumped from the couch and ran to the fridge.

“Uh, good job, I guess,” said Ren, too exhausted to argue further with Kouji about the content of his story. When no one else moved or spoke, he left to join Hope in Doing the Dew.

Kai and Kouji remained in the room and sat in silence. When Kai was sure they were out of earshot, he removed his glasses and looked hard at Kouji.

“Yes?” Kouji asked in an unusually monotone voice.

“You did a pretty good job of making yourself look silly.” He kept his gaze fixed on Kouji.

“Yes,” he agreed.

“Look into my eyes. From now on, you’re going to act as if the story was true, and do everything I say.”

“Yes.”

“Good.”


The Real End.



An outtake:

“King Kouji had requested her presence in the throne room, and her heart was all a-flutter. Then around the bend came the servants’ lunch train. Choo choo peanut butter!”

Saffron Blehckchah
Community Member
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