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Scrambled Mess My Journal will be a Scrambled mess of poems, and just my thoughts, and character descriptions of books I'm writing.


Lesarian
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Growing up. Life hit me today. Hard.
Today, we, my fiancee and I, went to Barnes and Noble. Before going to the store, I had every intention of buying a book, until I got in the store. At first, I used to think about how back home, I'd go into Books-a-Million, and I'd always leave with at least one book. I would think about how I read all the time. And then I started thinking about how, during the day I am taking care of two toddlers, and cleaning a house. At night, my fiancee wants my attention. I never have time to read. But that is part of being an adult. Part of growing up.
I almost cried. I almost bawled my eyes out. I've never left a book store empty handed. I've always had time to read. I want to go back to being a little kid, going to Books-a-Million (BAM) with my dad, running through the store, picking out however many new books I earned, and being all jumpy and giddy, getting home, and sitting down in the middle of the living room floor, opening a book and reading it. My mom would make me a pb&j, lay out a beach towel in the living room, put my sandwich and a small glass of milk, and having me sit on it while reading so I could eat lunch.
Why can't I still do that? Why can't I get a new book, and just sit down and read? Oh that is right. I always have someone vying for my attention. Even as I type this, there are people trying to get my attention. I just want to be able to read. I want to be able to write. I haven't been able to write a new poem since before I graduated from high school. I just haven't had time. I hate this whole, responsibility thing. I know, that is life. That is part of growing up. But what if I don't want to grow up? What if I want to be that little kid who reads books all day long? I miss being a book worm. I miss having fun.
Don't get me wrong. I do have fun with my fiancee. I do. But, I want to be able to have time to have fun by myself. I want to be able to have time to just read with out interruptions. Without someone constantly wanting me. I want me time. Is me time too much? Am I supposed to give that up? Is that part of growing up? I mean, if it is, then I'll get used to it. I'll grow up. I can do it. I just don't want to.




 
 
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