There are days like this that I feel perfectly fine. It's a sort of numbness that comes every once in a while-- a rare occurrence. But I guess that on these days that I am content with who I am and the world around me, there's an inherent sadness that I can't explain. Maybe it's because I'm getting used to being without you. Not having you around has become so routine that it's starting to deaden whatever pain I still feel. It's not as if I don't have any regrets. I wrecked what we had before we even started. I'll always regret that. But on days like today that I think about you--though at the back of my mind, I can still feel a wince for whatever great love that still remains in my heart--, I don't feel the urge to break down. It's like I'm slowly losing what's still left to lose. I don't know whether that should make me happy or sad.
To some twisted extent, I like holding onto you. It's warm and familiar to me. I like that. You were everything I ever wanted, at the same time, I never knew I wanted you. I never thought that I could be able to find someone as incredible as you are. Whatever wonderful stories I'd heard about you only made me more sure that I needed to see you, somehow. I'd have gone to any length just to make sure you were near me. At first, it seemed like you were happy to be with me, too. I ruined that, though. I was stupid. Any words of forgiveness you've granted me since then are more than appreciated. Truth be told, I found some sick salvation in them. I'm wondering if I should let go of the notion that we could ever reconcile in more ways than you accepting my apologies and me writing hopelessly about you almost every night. I don't want to be impractical, or unrealistic. These delusions of mine have been strangling me for the longest time. I only want to be with you, but I know that I'm the furthest from your thoughts. I know there's someone else, right now. I need to learn how to accept that. For what it's worth: You are still the reason I find reason to live. You're the first thought I have in the morning, the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep.
I feel like it's good that I'm writing this down while I don't feel a thing. I can only give you honesty. That's one good thing about myself: I never hid anything from you. Maybe I was just wrong for you in so many ways that this grand dream of you and me that I nurtured in my mind actually made it look like we were right. There was never really a "we" though. Under any other circumstances, I'd feel my heart breaking. That's not the case right now. Of course, I love you. That's nothing that you should question. But whatever part of my brain that manufactures feelings of longing and loss seems to have worn out. I don't feel a thing. Not one single bit. Ambivalence, again. I don't know whether to be happy or sad. Right now, I'm stuck somewhere in the middle, swinging helplessly from side to side, wondering where I'll end up. I don't hope to be free of this anytime soon. Again, I'm trying not to be unrealistic. Some time in the near future, that familiar twist in my chest is going to come back. I'll be ready for it when it does.
I'm so far away from you. For the first time in a long time, I feel just as far as I am. I feel like you were some sort of apparition. I never deserved you. I love you, but right now, you're not here. It would only take a few seconds for me to reach out to you, but I never know what to say. I don't even miss you, right now. It's not an unpleasant feeling, but I'm not sure I like it.
No matter how empty I feel, the truth that I love you will always be there. It's a given-- a constant factor. Even when I am numb, that's something I will never forget. Not because I'm holding onto something that will never come my way, but because you're the only person worth giving this love to. I can't just throw it away. I can't throw you away.
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