Ugh oh my goodness you guys I am so scared right now. I haven't posted in my journal in a while either..
Well.. School is just school. Graduating in June. Can't wait!
AND I GOT ACCEPTED INTO COLLEGE. NOT TO MENTION A GREAT PROGRAM WHERE I CAN TRANSFER TO A GREAT UNIVERSITY IN TWO YEARS!
But to stay in that program there are requirements. Attend all meetings and stuff like that.
Saturday there was a big event to kick off the year or something in this program. When my counselor for the program spoke of it she spoke of it like it was just an optional thing.
She spoke it like that in all her emails too.
But saturday night, i check my email... an email on thursday had one little word now in it.. 'required'.
I FREAKED OUT SO MUCH AND I AM STILL FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW!!
Okay, when something is required my counselor will put SO MUCH EMPHASIS. I talked to some friends in the same program and they also did not think it was required for us to attend so they did not go.
I've attended every single meeting! Except saturday because i did not think it was required!!
I cannot recall her AT ALL saying anything about this event and it being mandatory to attend.
But if it is required this could mean i could be taken out of the program. And that would not be good AT ALL.
I emailed my counselor last night, and i've been sitting ALL DAY by my phone checking my email over and over again. I can't eat... I can't hang out or be social today, i just NEED TO KNOW.
I'm very frightened. But I know that... God is good. I have a great family support system who were initially very dissapointed in me when i told them about my tragic mistake... but warmed up. Even if I am kicked out of the program, I know that God is sooo good and I have faith in him that he'll lead me down the right path to where i'm supposed to be.
So... there's so much unknown in the future. I wonder if I'll get a reply today or tomorrow... I wonder what's going to unfold.. It's all out of my hands, all i can do is wait. I trust God. I trust Jesus.
In other news I gave up messing around for Lent. (I'm doing it for the first time! For those who don't know what that is it's a Catholic thing where after Ash Wednesday you give up something important to you for 40 days because Jesus went into the desert for 40 days with NOTHING!)
... But I effed up on saturday and fluked a little bit. I didn't do the SPECIFIC thing i gave up but i really beat around the bush with it. I feel terrible.. Sometimes my soul is so weak. I've apologized to God.. a lot. I have faith that he'll have mercy on my soul.
I've been talking to a number of guys lately but seriously.. NONE OF CLICK. At all. But I make myself act like the feelings are there because I want somebody to fill that void. I'm such a hypocrite because i criticize people for that. But it's really no romance... it's ego attachment.
But it's not like these guys are all *SPLENDID SAINTS* or anything!!
Anyways, here's to the future. It's all in God's hands.. my hands too, but God has ultimate control. I love the Lord. I love Jesus always.
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