Last night was eye-opening for me. It's part of the reason why I made this journal. For so long, I have dwelt in the darkness in despair, but no more. I'm not really sure what caused it. Shadow and I have had many arguments before, why was this one different? Maybe it was just time I finally let it out... So many things about him irritate me. I know it's not his fault, he can't help his condition. I don't blame him, if anything, I blame myself. I just don't have the heart or patience.
For anybody reading this, I shall explain. I may also help me to get it out to look at once in a while, as a reminder as to why he acts as he does. Shadow, my boyfriend of four years now, has Asperger's Syndrome, an autism spectrum disorder that is characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction, alongside restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests. Essentially, they are rather introverted and don't connect to feelings well. They tend to dislike social events and meeting new people, and can be very quiet and passive. This usually makes them deep-thinkers with hyper-focus, and when they are interested in something, can put them on genius levels. He learns many thing by observing others and doing, and would much rather do it alone and not be bothered. I can honestly say, he is one of, if not the, most creative person I even had the pleasure of knowing. I fell in love with him for it, as well as not only his knowledge on a wide range of subjects (he is quite fond of science and technology), but his wisdom that was far beyond his years.
That being said, there are many qualities he has that are less-than-ideal, sometime even downright infuriating. And again, it's not his fault and I am not placing blame. But last night, I felt I had to get this out. We were having a basic debate, which we often do, relating to science vs religion. Shadow and I very rarely see eye-to-eye, and we often try to prove the other wrong, logically of course. But that is not the problem, well, not entirely, though it does add to the frustration. Something about that debate made me let lose.
All I am about to tell you has, at some point, already been said to shadow already, though in snippets at a time and not as detailed. However, because of our rocky relationship, - Virgo with Asperger's + scorpio with a mood-disorder = BIG trouble if not properly calibrated, though when it is, it's an amazing one that brings balance to the opposites - he felt I was saying these things out of spite because I was in a mood. He would not take my words seriously. I've also tried to leave him before with the same results.
I will list the reasons why our relationship cannot work, be it his flaws or mine. No blame is being placed, I am simply calling it what it is.
1: He is an introvert and analytical, I am a social butterfly and very emotional.
Going off of what I said above, Shadow is both a Virgo and has Asperger's. I've explained what Asperger's is, but let's look at the aspects of a Virgo, shall we?
(To be filled out later...)
2: He is a man of science and technology, I am a woman of the ancient ways and nature.
(To be filled out later...)