so i'm supposed to be studying. but my way of coping with intense stress is to avoid dealing with it at all costs, and do something else. until it slams me into the ground, smears out my guts like a knife through peanut butter...
i got really into league of legends. you have no idea. i have never encountered a game so hard-core. it is the game asian gamer parents would make their kids play. because you legitimately can get banned--BANNED--for playing badly.
i mean lolwut.
seriously, your teammates can report you and a legitimate reason is: "FEEDIN."
i haven't been banned yet, which is amazing. probably because my ex drags me into teams with her pro friends, and they put up with me feeding and win anyway?
for the first 10 games, i just stayed top and farmed up until the very moment the nexus was destroyed. either nexus, didn't matter much. haha. occasionally enemies would try to gank me, but then my teammates would teleport in and get triple kills while i hid in le brush like a good noob.
uh yeah. i feel ill still and can't locate the painkillers. hard to concentrate. eyes are kind of dry. also too cold because roommate is back. what do you mean turning the heat up to 90 degrees is excessive? it's never warm enough.
my ideal weather would be in the mid eighties. that's nice.
my boyfriend is ill too. he has a habit of doing lots of things and not taking care of himself. it's like he doesn't notice if he's hungry or tired or sick until he's very hungry, or super exhausted, or incredibly, debilitatingly ill. sigh.
valentine's day. i don't know how to approach it.
i feel like being gay is incredibly awkward. i feel very freakish. and i just wish sometimes that i could be a girl, because if i were a girl, we would have gotten together much sooner, and everything would be a lot less difficult and i would feel more comfortable. tbh i don't think i'd feel comfortable in bed with him because i'd feel like my body is wrong. but i think that's kind of far into the future haha, and he'll probably graduate by then, the rate i'm going. it's funny. i feel too attracted to him to be his friend, but not sexually attracted enough to be the kind of horny teenage boyfriend i was with my ex. it's the weirdest thing. they should have a name for it.
i don't think he's gay. i asked and he just redirected me to a wikipedia article about the spectrum of sexuality. so i wonder if he likes me because i look a lot like a girl, and he's okay with pretending. i mean, we're both kind of not realistic people. so i try to wear a lot of androgynous, preppy clothes so that i look maybe like a girl. since last year, i've begun to grow out my hair.
i feel like my boss thinks i'm a poster boy for gender identity disorder. he was surprised when i said i wanted to work out and build muscle maybe. he had to stop and think for a second there. it was funny.
i look at myself in the mirror, and i think, if only i conformed to what guys are supposed to look like, maybe i'd be good looking, instead of queer as hell.
anyway every minute that goes by, i feel more tired, so i'm gonna finish this hw.
i have totoro on my desk. he feels my pain. i wish i could follow totoro into the heart of the forest or whatever and then fly off. that would be nice.
but the only way to success is to face what bothers you. you have to look it in the eye! and run it over!
so i will do that. i need all A- s in my classes until i graduate.