My Brain Damage
Ok. For one, there is nothing physically wrong with me. I look like any other 26 year old woman.; actually I look 16. And am quite beautiful, if I do say so myself.
My body is the same as yours and it works just the same.
My problems are purely mental.
I also have no speech impediment. Seriously, if I don’t tell you I have problems, you have no clue.
What exactly is wrong with me? Well, a lot actually. But I’ve dealt with it my entire life and will continue dealing with it. For me, it feels like nothing.
I only know these terms because I’ve heard and used them to explain myself to others. Quite often, those people are not doctors.
1. Hand eye co-ordination. This means that…the way I picture something in my head isn’t how it happens. Because of this I cannot and will not ever be able to drive a car. Sweeping the floor takes focus and concentration. It is incredibly rare that I sink a free throw.
2. Small motor skills. You use these in order to…um…screw in a bolt. That is very difficult and frustrating for me.
3. Pressure. I don’t know how much pressure it takes to open a jar, or a gallon of milk. Or step on the gas pedal. I have to figure it out as I go every time.
4. My brain stem was involved. The stem is what controls your involuntary functions, such as breathing, and temperature settings. I have mild asthma. It rarely causes problems, but, nonetheless, I have an inhaler on my person at all times.
I have always referred to myself as cold-blooded, or the first human reptile. I get cold extremely quickly and easily. I am the first to get cold and the last to warm up. This may very well be because I exercise very rarely, but I’m not fat, so it’s ok.
Under 4 thick blankets, I’m still freezing.
When someone says it’s just a bit chilly outside, I put on a thick hoodie or sweatshirt instead of a light jacket. It’s hard for me to get warm.
My perfect indoor temperature is 77 degrees.
5. Time conception. This means that I have no idea time is passing. It’s hard to break down into simple terms. I have no idea what 5 minutes is, except…now practically. Tell me a specific time to meet up with you instead of x amount of hours. For instance, I have no clue how long it’s taken me to type all of this.
For this reason, I have the iPhone. It is specifically for me to set alarms. For example: when to take out the trash(Wednesday at 7pm), Clean the cat litter box(Thursday at 4:57pm), Eat(6pm), get off the internet(Alarms go off at 9:30 and 10pm), Take pill(10pm). I also set up the calendar to remind me of appointments an hour and 30 minutes ahead of time.
My internal clock is messed up. This is one thing that cannot be repaired, but improved upon if it is done every damn day.
For this reason, I’m almost strictly nocturnal. It is very hard for me to power down at the end of the day. I need a bedtime routine. Usually, I end up getting in bed from 1:30-2am. It used to be 5 and 6am. I’m getting better.
And it is just as hard to power up in the beginning of the day. My alarm goes off at 9:30am every day.
This is why the iPhone is a curse. It has alarms, yes. But it also has games and music and internet that keep me going.
I have a hard time just turning off my brain.
Numbers are evil.
I have no power of managing my own money whatsoever. I go to the store with 20 bucks; I have no clue what I can buy. I throw things in that are $5 and end up with a cart worth $60. I have a hard time eliminating.
Anything to do with numbers, I can’t …I just can’t do it. My brain isn’t wired for that.
I do better with art and words. Those are my strong points.
6. Transitioning. Meaning going from one activity to another. It’s….excruciatingly painful. I have incredible difficulties with transitions. It’s one reason I can’t get a day job.
I cannot be promoted. New door, new office, new work, new papers, new everything; I can’t deal with that.
I am not self motivated. I need my mother to tell me to shower and eat and take my pills and get dressed.
I need to be taken care of. I have no passion for cooking. I eat nothing but cereal and things that taste good but are also fattening. My tummy pokes out.
My long term memory rocks. I remember things no one else does, witch I sometimes use to my advantage.
My short term sucks. Often times, I can’t remember what I did earlier that that day. But I can remember a song I heard 6 years ago.
I can’t remember what I wore yesterday, but I can remember playing Frogger when I was younger.
I can’t remember when I last ate or showered. I don’t even know I’m hungry or sleepy until I’m about to pass out.
I can memorize poetry and sometimes recite on cue. I can memorize a conversation from a movie if I choose to. I can remember all the words to a song I haven’t heard in years. I can remember the beginning lines of The Lion King.
I can hear song for the first time, and sing along with perfect pitch as well as the correct words.
My memory is unbeatable.
I’m horrible at recognizing dangerous people/situations. In those times, I need time to think, and just don’t have it.
I don’t realize I’ve gotten myself in a bad situation until 20 minutes into it. Then I start freaking out.
My reaction time is slow.
This why the internet is better for me. I can think.
I can’t edit myself. I say what’s on my mind. I give my opinions. I am brutally honest. And that’s without even thinking about it. Many people think I’m being disrespectful and rude, but I’m just honest. My answer to “How are you?” is literally how I am at the moment.
I don’t think about what I say. That’s just not a power I have.
I’m not afraid to say what I think of anything. Saying what I think about a person to their face…that’s a sensitive issue. I have to be careful with that one. I’m almost deathly afraid of physical pain/being hit. That has nothing to do with the brain damage. That has to do with having a bully for a father.
If people decide they don’t like what I say, that’s not my problem. They can leave.
Of course, this means I also say the wrong thing at the wrong time.
What I say usually turns out funny, but sometimes not.
I have never once been to a concert for one reason. The sound. Lights and crowds get to me as well, over time; but sound is the one I can’t stand for any amount of time. I go literally insane. And I am not kidding. I cannot deal with more sound then I can handle. Yes, I listen to loud music, but I can control the volume. If not, it gets REALLY bad.
Don’t yell at me. Ever. If you do, you’ll bring up bad memories for me and it will just go downhill. I have an incredible yell myself. And I am perfectly aware of what I say, especially then. I will be mad at you for hours, even days or weeks. If it is forgiven, it will not be forgotten. Ever.
Sound makes my head hurt. I cannot stand it.
Bright lights hurt my eyes, and crowds are just stupid. If I am put in a situation I cannot deal with, I will despise you forever and plan your death.
Do not yell at me.
Before I was on meds, my emotions were all over the place. I was yelling and slamming doors at random. It was impossible to tell how I would react. I would also go and hug people at random. I was a lover.
I still have urges to act out like I once did, but I can override those childish needs for attention.
I’m also not good at masking my emotions, so I don’t. I tell it like it is. I tell how I feel. I don’t hide anything. Nor should I.
I have a passion for learning. I really do. But in school, I was always the one asking questions about something we covered two weeks ago. Academics aren’t for me. My brain just won’t do that.
I made good grades in school, but it tore me apart to do so. College is unthinkable. I will continue to learn, but not in school.
Mom always said I was on higher psychological level then everyone in the family. I’m not sure exactly what that means, but I am better then all of them in a way.
I have impeccable intuitions.
15. Forming friendships.
I have no problems talking. I wish I was a bit more shy, but I am outgoing to a fault. Words are my outlet. I’m very good at describing things and putting words to things. I’m on a higher level then the average person psychologically and emotionally. But lower mentally and behaviorally. Verbally, I fit in fine.
I can’t find a friend that I just click with. Either they’re below me, or I’m below them. We’re not equals. And I am painfully aware of that.
· Wed Feb 06, 2013 @ 09:58pm · 0 Comments