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Mon Histoire
Murmures de mon cœur.
February fourth.
Today is February fourth. It's almost ended, over there. There are six thousand miles from here to where my heart is. Distance doesn't mean anything to me anymore.

Today is February fourth. How many years have passed, since then? It doesn't feel like time is moving at all.

Today is February fourth. I am the same person I was yesterday. I woke up in my warm bed, in my warm room. Sunlight greeted me through my window, though it was sleepy as I was. It was overcast. Today is overcast. I am the same.

Today is February fourth. Today must have been beautiful, for her. It was her birthday.

Today is February fourth. I'm more than certain he was with her. I'm more than certain he had something planned. I'm more than certain she loved it. I'm more than certain she loves him. I'm more than certain he loves her.

Today is February fourth. I'm more than certain he does not love me.

Today is February fourth. They must have spent so much time together. She must have gotten lost in his eyes. It's easy to-- I've tried. They were endless, they were kind. He doesn't know what those eyes mean to me.

Today is February fourth. I try to let go of my thoughts in a warm shower. I try to forget. I try. I cannot. Is this the water or are these my tears?

Today is February fourth. For once, I wish I had something to do. Business would keep my mind off things. I go through my jewelry boxes, my fingertips lingering on my favorite one made of ivory. Grand-mère gave it to me when I was a little girl.
"Fill this with pretty things, mon trésor. You are the greatest treasure to me."

Today is February fourth. I try on every piece of jewelry in Grand-mère's box, like I did when I was younger. I used to feel like a princess. I look in the mirror and see, not Princesse or Comtesse or Duchesse, but a child. I have grown too old for such frivolity.

Today is February fourth. These are tears, there is no doubt.

Today is February fourth. I love him. No matter how far. No matter how much time passes. I'm sorry. I will always be sorry.

Today is February fourth. Six thousand miles sounds like such a short distance. He feels farther than that. So much farther. I lay in my bed. This room is so large and empty and dead. There is no one beside me. There never was.

Today is February fourth. I am not a child anymore. When will I stop living in fairytales? I am not a princess. He was not my prince... could anyone else be?

Today is February fourth. It's not February fourth where they are, anymore. I am willing to bet all I have that their day was lovely. He would have held her closely, like that day by the sea, where time went still, and for a moment, so did my heart.

Today is February fourth. She is everything to him. I am only a passing thought.

Today is February fourth. He is everything to me.

Happy Birthday, Haruhi Fujioka. My wish is your happiness, because I know he is happy with you.
You have the only thing I could never make mine.






User Comments: [1] [add]
Tamaki -King- Suou
Community Member
avatar
commentCommented on: Sun Mar 03, 2013 @ 03:33am
(Most of your entries are always so entertaining if not very warm, thank you! I'm sorry I couldn't write a response to Feburary Fourth. It's not long enough for a proper entry but my feelings about it are included in this comment. Please forgive my emotions and slight disapproval. Most of your words are very nice, but I don't prefer this entry. It frustrated me. I would have flown to France if I could have.)

-frowns, eyebrows softly furrowing-

Please, please..stop, Éclair... I understand your sadness but I don't want to see you like this.

Thank you very much. I'm happy to hear these words from you to Haruhi. But my family and I weren't able to do much for her birthday.

-looks hurt and confused- How could you say that? How could you believe that..?

Probably not. She wouldn't pay attention like that. Thank you.

-feels a faint urge to cry- Water! |8o I hope it's water. Was it? -naive idiot in denial-

-tenderly and widely smiles- That's very kind of your grandmother. If I could thank her, I would, Éclair.

-covers her hands with his hands, raising them up, halting her from removing her acessories- No, you look like you're having fun and you look beautiful, young girl or grown woman. It's not a crime to enjoy things you like to do or live the way you desire.

Thank you for feeling sorry, but you already apologized months ago. Once was plenty. Please stop reminding and degrading yourself over the past and over something I already forgave you for a long time ago.

You're exhausted, chérie. If you could forgive yourself, you will be able to live in the present, unrestrained by your past, allowing you to put your energy into better use with a renewed sense of purpose focused on change, improvement, and building on your experiences. Is it that difficult to forgive yourself? This is in the past. You already understand what you did, why you did it, how it affected others, how guilty you feel, and my nonexistant grudge. Is this not enough? Forgiving yourself isn't condoning what wrongfully happened because what you've learned stays with you, you accept it, and move on.

There is no one beside you? There never was? What about your parents? I'm sure even though they are busy and may not often spend time with you they love you. I happily accompanied you for the entire school festival. Don't tell me you treat it as a mirage and my feelings don't extend after that. I cared about you ever since Grandmother introduced us, as evident in one example, my question to you, if you were all right marrying someone chosen for you, a stranger.

Hehe. Your mannerism suggests otherwise. You deserve to be treated as a princess! I may not have been your prince exactly...but that doesn't mean there isn't an eligible man for you.

You were never a passing thought, whether I was your fiancé or not. I care about you and you're my friend.


User Comments: [1] [add]
 
 
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