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That teacher from pay it forward...
I envy his life... His old life. Where it was only him, and everyone thought he was mean... And all he was was ugly, and tired...

I need me... But I don't even know who that is because I don't know when I can smile without being judged or taken advantage of... I don't know when to be selfish or help myself because every time I do it its so wrong, unless I'm pushing something I was sure I wanted, away.

There's no current merit to me... The silent listener who speaks when the feeling cones, the patient customer that waits quietly yet still seen an the impatient drama queen. Rushing me to pay even though I didn't mind to stay... You want me to go away... As if it were some treat to me to stare at everyone's feet instead of their faces. Comparable to harrassment cases, when you just don't like me and what you assume I just might be...

I need my dress shirts, my slacks... My brushed hair and silent demeanor... I want to be left alone because of assumptions I can never atone. I can't believe what other'sbelieve becomes so overblown...

On who I am...
I used to wonder why I never bothered worrying about why I dump my heart here... Because the whole internet, perhaps the entire world makes me feel that even if they knew there was nothing they could do... Feelings already true. I look and see how people feel. I used to ask myself how they can make a picture mean less than a thousand words... Photoblogs. I ask how they can be so shallow and heartless, dating sites, I ask how they can be so absurd and have such nerve... Because there's nothing you can do, except not care.

I still care...
My brother says, he dents that humanity is hopeless, I tell him that it is unless it was something else, because when I think if humanity I see rights and freedom... The freedom and right to remain the same... And he sees dignity...

I love the people in my dreams, I love the people who aren't in the era of humanity. People who embraced the look on other's faces. The loners and head cases. Maybe they'd be alone, but never sad unless there was no one around...

So I just look down...
I want my closet full of bargain suits, supermarket dress shirts, and oversized shoes.
The dark swirl of colored water as they all swim in the wash, the dark scent of ink as I drag it to the dryer... And the fabric softener that makes the difference between clean clothes and new clothes... I envy my shirts as they can be warn down, and given the softener to be new again. Because without it, its doomed to be broken again... Permanently.

I look at the computer, everythingit has to offer but the people in it show promise. A gift to man... But I leave before I speak because I know that I would seek ... Someone, anyone, to prove me wrong all along. Though I'm always singing that sad song.

You're sad because you call it to you...
No I'm not, I'm sad because its the only thing that calls, calls and calls until your brain bawls. Decking your mind like abandoned halls of all your failures and unfortunate falls, all the tears in bathroom stalls as you hear two happy souls moan through the paper walls.

You would have envy but you're just angry, your lost cause your own family. So you shut up, its been wring from the start, this book your canvas what a work of art, knowing you're a few mistakes from pushing a cart, with all your belongings smelling like your last fart.

My life... Hoped to be promise... The truth hidden behind delusion, my status and stature a delusion... That you'll never know without proper intrusion. Goodnight, and sweet dreams... Where I can block life's reams, and choose my own teams, while eating insatiable creams.

Don't you dare, because I don't care, when I did, no one was there, when I wanted it, you didn't share, and I wanted to go, you wouldn't take me anywhere.