seriously my head is pounding.
But for the past hour n a halfish I
was about to put it behind me since I was
talking to Roux. I feel torn about that.
But I am working on it. I just keep making more
and more plans. Sure I am super tired all the time
now but... I just want to like experience more memories
like he is. I am doing a good job. I plan to take lots
of photos tomorrow and in general to put on my
new digital picture frame Naynaynay gave me
for my birthday <3
For the first time in idk...like a year and half I put on a
bathing suite. I don't think I have what society would
say is a nice body. I mean I am not fat or skinny.
But I am not toned at all either and awkward tan.
But I was around friends I love and trust and
it was nice to not care. =w=
Tomorrow I am wearing a shirt though cuz Taku will be there
again and i just feel weird about that lol. Sorry.
I know it shouldn't matter but knowing he likes me
makes me a little weird about like being in a two piece with
him. >x< It's nice that he is nice to me. And it's cute that
he like, likes taking care of me and junk and gets along
with my friends but at the end of the day just like I told
him. I love Roux and I am a one person kind of person.
I don't know how to be otherwise. I keep getting told
NOT BECAUSE PEOPLE DO NOT WANT ME WITH ROUX
EVERYONE LOVES ROUX AND ASSUMES WE WILL BE BACK
TOGETHER. but I keep getting told to allow myself to
like Date Taku. Like Roux is dating Spencer I guess
so It wouldn't be wrong. And when i talk to Roux. even knowing
he is dating someone. I am alright. But the other way. Accepting
someones hugs and junk. I wish it wasn't so hard for me.
I feel like I am cheating when there is no relationship
to cheat on.
Why is my head so much not like everyone else = A=
When other people are on breaks they see other people.
Do other stuff. Try new things. And come back together
with new experiences and stories to share and ideas about
themselves and what they want in a relationship.
Why can't my brain me like that? I mean even Vivi dated someone
else when she said she loved me. Like why is that so hard for me.
Someone else makes me laugh but they don't match to Roux in the slightest
so I don't allow them around me at all. Why bother.
I am so tired and have such a bad headache. I am ranting cuz I just hate
that when I am with friends even doing silly stuff I always think about
my future partner. Roux or not. I think about them. What they would
think about what I am currently doing. Would they be disappointed
would they be mad at me. I have always done this and it's why I never
dated. Why I have had so few partners.
It's been a while since I wrote anything. I guess I had more built up
in me than I thought.
My neck feels bare. I want to put the necklace back on.
But I have it off for a reason. we are not together.
We love each other. We still say it and act on it and talk
about it. We are getting back together but right now we are trying
to experience a bit more life without each other before coming back together.
That is healthy. since we are still young.
Even Roux suggested I date lol. Thats not weird or anything lol
I know I am making a big deal bout dating recently.
It's on my mind because it's something I never did.
And I am a young adult. And even though I know in the end
(as of in this moment I know to be true) that I will end up with
Roux. He told me not to wait for him. I promised myself
I would never wait again. So I am trying to experience life.
I am trying to not think about getting back together even
though I know it will happen. I am trying to live each day.
And I guess a small part of me wants to try dating
so I can say I have. So I can say I dated and
still knew in the end of what I wanted, what I loved.
Who I love. Even the idea of dating made me more sure of my own
I just wish my being was normal. Normal people date.
I think about dating and hate myself for being a mental cheater.
Idk lol... One day I am going to make a perfect wife.
I know that.
Enough about that lol.
I am going to watch some shows. I just don't know what.
I want to watch more star trek. I want to finish AHS.
I want to watch tonari. Lol I want to watch mindless funny stuff on
Youtube. I wanna watch Ah my goddess since they have it on
youtube now lol.
Gah. I miss the internet lol.
Lol I fail I just sat here for another hour on tumblr XD
I am so tired I may just give up and sleep XD