It seems like no matter what you do, there is no escaping a decision... that someone has made...is that the right way to describe it? When people look for patterns in things! That is what I meant to think of. A tabulation of every single known scenario, run through some sort of simplified checklist, negating individuality... yet why be so obsessed with individuality in the first place? I suppose that every strives to have a niche... are quirks just subtle anomalies? Is that all there is?
These questions are pointless because I have decided to no longer live in that realm of life. Death is a suitable end because it ceases all problem and dilemma, and solves all of my biggest qualms in a single, definitive case. The afterlife has become more important to me than anything else in the world. It is the ultimate betrayal to existence. Even as young and naive as I am, I prefer my own intuitions than seeking guidance.
I dislike people. It is because I see the pattern they follow, the off putting trend that sets them down among the others... but not to compartmentalize anyone... I understand that nobody is truly...just what you think they are. I've considered a more likely idea. That people aren't designed to coincide, or what doctors would call, being social creatures. I feel that people are designated to collide. It proves results. The biggest flaw is the system of...emotions fighting logic, and the inverse as well. Why? Because whatever drives logic is a type of emotion. In the end, chaos has no fear, it is natural to thrive, so it doesn't worry about order.
So what? I can't change my presets. But I am blatantly aware of a number of things concerning this. The first is that I didn't put those presets there. When I look in the mirror I suddenly feel disgusted. A product of dissatisfaction because I don't look good? No. Even by the standards of my peers, my looks are satisfactory enough. I am disgusted by my existence because I am the offspring of two people I don't exactly feel connected to. Young animosity? That stage has passed already... and it wasn't even that strong. No, the older I get, the more I realize how little I want to do with my family and friends. It wasn't trigger by any event... I wonder where it came from.
Denial is often ridiculed by people. You can't deny what you are, or how you feel, they say. But I wonder where the illusion is? Is the illusion inside, and denial is wrong, or is there truly a separation between what is being denied, and the denier?
A long time ago... there was a love interest. Love out of desperation is instant failure. I didn't see it. But when I was done... my hands were shaking. I found that... I was not what I was. I discovered a part of me that had been buried on the illusion of who I was. At the core of who we are...our initial subconscious self...I found something delicate, and I died.
It was time for me to start living through me, instead of as... this abomination created by two people I don't even know. I don't understand personally. As far as I know, one doesn't suddenly find a complete disassociation from their parents in an instant. Hardly a common reason for breaking away from a failed relationship. They didn't even know it had happened. The two seemed entirely unrelated in my mind. I began to wonder about the mind... it brings me back to separation...
I can't control how I feel, how things taste, how I grow... all I am really is plugged into some sort of... biological body. Am I like a vegetable? Grown in this strange inhabitable land? Or was I existent before this, and now tethered to some pathetic creature until it's natural life comes to an end? When I peer through my eyes... I feel this sudden lurch... as if I am repulsed by the fact that I would even be here.
If my feelings are reactions that I can't control...how does it react to itself?
I'll leave it at that for now.
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