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A note for thought, I never felt whole through out my self. I seem to always try to be perfect, when in fact I am not perfect. To hear those words, they are sweet but then become bitter. I wonder how I got here in life, sitting here willing to write down my thoughts. Maybe I am trying to vent, let out my feelings, or maybe I am just being a little b***h. I will begin from the start, why I became who I am today.
When I was younger I lived with a nice decent family, or so I believed that was true. I had a Mother, father, sister, and two brothers. Before my little brother was born I endured alot of pain and hate from my brother he would beat me and abuse me. He stopped beating me at the age of 15, through of those years I endured alot of pain. A cracked skull, and a few bruces it was honestly not that bad. My father and mother worked at odd times, my mother would work during the day. My father would work during the night, so I never really saw them much. I never got to know my mother until my father joined the U.S Army Wisconsin National Guard. My mother quit her job to watch on us when he went on his frist deployment. I was young when he left, but it was one of the most hurtful fearful moments of my life.
My father will later return, and then he will go active army. He went active army, so I had to say goodbye to my bestfriend and my old school mates at a school I atended since grade KWe got stationed at Fort Hood texas. I never understood people much even then. I was the odd kid when I attended a new school. I never understood how to speak to females, I was kind of chubby I found out later females did not like that. I started to grow out my hair long, and I was not real manly during those days. Females liked the long hair, and so I felt confortable with that kind of style. When I got to the eighth grade I started becoming active online.
I began to talk to new people, and started to understand life a tad more. I will later meet a female a year later it was ninth grade year. I met a nice female online, I liked her alot and we dated. I would later meet a new female to take her place. She would lead to one of my biggest mistakes I ever make in life. She began the path of no return I caused on my self. She would talk to me all cute. I would talk to her back all cute and etc. We would later break up because I decided it would be a good idea to trade pictures of each other. My mother would find out and forced us to break up, I flipped out and attempted to see a light I saw when I was younger.
This light happended when I was younger, I was eating dinner then all of a sudden my heart was racing fast. I started to feel dizzy, and my mother rushed me to the hospital. On the ride home I passed out, and saw a bright flash of light. What I saw was a trash can, and animals dancing around it. A animal asked me a question "Do you want to continue?" I said yes. Then all of a sudden I felt normal, better. So I saw this light again, and I yet again said yes to continue with life. I will sit in a phyco house for a week to get "help".
Later I will return to school, this was tenth grade year when I met a new female. She was a nice decent female. I belived she was perfect, but she was one big mistake from the start. She would be the one who takes away my virginity. She was emotionally unstable, I noticed this when she finally broke up with me. I flipped out, and felt hurt when she left me. I will later meet a female, who changed my life for the better. She gave me the path I have followed today, and I thank her.
This female gave it to me straight, she didn't care that I was not the "stronger, and bigger guy". She would cause me to realize I was not the biggest guy around. She would cause me to have motivation to strengthen my body, and become a better person. She gave me advise, and I took it. She gave me motivation to join JROTC, and then the Raider team that JROTC provided. During JROTC I will later meet a recruiter who would recruit me to the Kansas National Guard. This is why I care so much about this last female, she gave me the MOTVIATION! The DEDICATION to become more then I have ever been in life.
She left like the others, moved on and know where to be found. After being enlisted in the Kansas National Guard I would attend basic combat training. The worst part of my life, I would meet people who I will not get along with and I felt like a total failure. I graduated basic after 10 weeks of pain, and hell. The DS's are ment to break you down, but my fellow platoon mates kept me broken. I always said the wrong things to my fellow soldiers in my platoon. I never talked much though. There is a reason why I don't talk as much as I used to. There is a reason why I am not a push over anymore. I still obey orders, and keep my discipline.
I always wonder what am I doing wrong. Why can't I feel whole. Why do I feel like half of a man. Why do I feel as if I am missing something in my head. I know I am not perfect, but why can't I be perfect. All I hope, is I am able to do something in my life that will atleast show I did something... Alright these are my thoughts. Sometimes it is good to let out what you are feeling, so I am trying it for my self.
 Roxore · Sun Jan 20, 2013 @ 06:19am · 0 Comments |
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