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Sir's Journal
So I let you in.
So I gave a part of me that I won't get back.

Here I am, about to start again and then wondering what the hell the point is and wanting to revert into myself again before I even begin. I did not believe you then, and I do not believe you now. I never will.

Maybe I'll never believe anyone, no matter what they do or how they act. Maybe I'm too broken to really do this now.

It hurts to be promised the world and to be promised what I've needed for years and then to end up empty handed yet again. Does it hurt? I do not know if that's the correct word, really. It is just this blank void, so out of reach. Could anyone truly handle me? The only person who views this lifestyle in the way that I do ran away, and leads me to believe that no one truly can handle all of me.

Handle the parts that they want to handle, sure, but forsake the others. Because no one really ever wanted me, the individual I. And yet, how could they want me, when I keep myself so heavily guarded and hidden behind walls and barriers so high that even I cannot climb them to reach myself?

You think that my expectations are unrealistic, but the only expectation that's unrealistic is that a person would want me when no one really knows me at all.

I don't let them. I do not let them touch me or move me in any way beyond a simple fleeting moment. I do not know if it's that I am a sociopath or if it is that I've become so damn good at controlling my emotions that I can shut them off at will. And see, it was not ever that I could not control myself. I can. I can so good that it is scary. But I don't want to. I want to let go, I need someone who will let me let go on them and receive it and crave it.

Every person has claimed to be able to take it.

But at my core, I'm not even human. I'm predatory, carnal, and I cannot even say what I truly think when I see a human because it would scare most everyone who's interested in me away. No one would want someone like me. It's sickening, really, just the type of person that I am. I am so dapper and gentlemanly and I smile this smile that doesn't ever really reach my eyes. Always the same ravenous look, waiting to claim my prey.

Why, god dammit, why am I like this? How many times have I written this, over and over again, over and over and then people have the nerve to say, "Well, then maybe you should change yourself." Why should I have to?

Forget it. It isn't worth it.





 
 
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