There's this guy that I usually refer to as number nine.
He was, and still is, my test subject. I study him like a class, and I've seen him change over the years. In a way, I know more about him than he knows of himself. It's really fun. I'd suggest you guys go into psychology. It's.. interesting.
Lately, his behaviour changed. I mean, I noticed before that he was gradually becoming more gregarious. I actually don't know how to use that word in context but eh. He's smiling a lot more, and he acts very openly towards my experiments.
In a way, it makes me lose interest. It feels like he's too easy. It doesn't challenge my.. psychological abilities..? Is that a proper term even? I don't know.
Then, in another way, it makes me want to study him more. He's so pitiful at times, and other times, he makes me jealous. I feel like I have to care for him in the shadows or something. Recently, with his easing conduct is making me feel really weird.
In math, studying linear relations for maybe the hundredth time (hyperbole, of course), it's always nice to get super simple questions like "x+5." In reality, with an equation like that, it's basically bringing me back to kindergarten when I learned how to deal with addition. It feels relieving.
In an alike sense, that's what number nine is making me feel. I feel that even though I was capable of studying him before, he suddenly gave me a simple addition question. The thing is, even though I kind of like the change, it's a bit boring.
I don't know if I like him. Rather, I don't know if I'm ready to admit it.
Here's the dealio: when I like someone, no one will know except the person himself. This way, I feel like I'm not keeping an emotion bottled up inside, and yet I'm still secured in my anti-male reputation. Number nine doesn't know (at least I think he doesn't know) what conflicts lie inside me because of him.
Number nine first came to my school last year. After seven months of being in his class, I had a dream.
I may as well tell what I remember.
It was on the night of March 28th to March 29th. In my dream, I was at school, like any ordinary day. Number nine walks up to me and asks me out. I agreed. In my dreams, days passed and we would greet each other in the hallways and have hardly any other interactions than that. A pretty dull relationship if I do say so myself! But it was pleasant. It felt so safe.
However, when I woke up on March 29th and went to school, I realized I couldn't look number nine in the eye. It was horrible.
Number nine and I used to talk a lot. Our names we on top each other in the attendance list, so we often sat side-by-side. In classes where seats weren't organized according to the attendance, we still sat by each other because we had about the same intelligence.
It wasn't really a choice. You don't get to pick where you sit in the attendance. In Math, you can't help but be at the level you are. I'm a math student, and so was he. We both, along with three others, would sit at the back of the math classroom and continue through the chapters ahead of the rest of the class.
My class isn't very bright when it comes to core courses. Even I struggle with Social. But hey, learning about politics and other people's personal opinions doesn't quite strike an interest in a 14-year-old girl whose family heritage isn't even from this country! I mean, war itself could be interesting, but not the wars that happened here.
Like, oh no! Britain and France are fighting! AGAIN! FOR THE FIFTIETH TIME. ugh, seriously.
Or, the head of our federal government is called the Prime Minister! Currently, it is so and so, and before that, it was so and so, but the first one was so and so. Although so and so did this, this was cancelled by so and so, and then this thing was improved by so and so. And oh! This bill received this many amendments before becoming law!
Social is definitely not my strong point.
But anyways, yeah. Number nine and I, seat buddies! Even in CTS, we used to sit beside each other. After the dream, I tried to act the same, but I knew my perspective on him changed.
It was also then, on March 29th, that I began my experimentation on number nine. I found out how his brain works and how it reacts to certain things. It was pretty easy guessing who he would end up dating next, or what his response would be when asked certain types of questions, stuff like that.
Since then, it's been about ten months? Eleven months? Eh, I'm too lazy to actually count. It feels like it's been ten months. If I did like him, I've liked him for ten months and counting. If I didn't like him, he was my most fun test subject for ten months and counting.
I don't know whether or not I like him though. He's not exactly the preferred person in my family. He doesn't fit the standards, so I don't want to engage myself with him.
I don't want to disappoint my family by liking him.
I don't want to try extremely hard to keep him.
I don't want to reach the day where I would have to hurt him.
There are so many barriers in my head restricting me the freedom of liking and being with him. So I'm confused. Right now, do I like him, but restrict myself? Or is it just a new emotion my brain mistook for fondness? Or possibly, maybe the circumstances are too alien for me to get used to and it's messing things up? Ahh, I don't know.
I have homework to do. I'll hopefully write another entry tomorrow!
Until then, bye byes! And goodnight for those who read this at night!
Oh, and today's lyrics are:
'Cause they're waiting for me,
They're looking for me!
Every single night, they're driving me insane...!
Remember, there's a reward if you can give (in the comments) the name of this song and the artist!
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