So the past few days have been wonderfully cleansing. Not only writing the journal entry, I also talked with my sister, Ce, about 2009. It's interesting the various things the three of us did to try to keep from blaming our mother for being an emotionally abusive b***h. Personally, I was hoping it was just a bad time for her for whatever reason. But every time we visit, within the first five minutes of us being there, she's ripping someone apart for something SHE doesn't agree with. Ce and I don't even call anymore unless we want to talk to Amanda, Katie, or our father. Amanda is unfortunately still living there. Aside from her heart condition, I think she stays for Dad and Katie. She keeps talking about leaving. I dunno if she can actually do it, though.
Hell, I found out from Ce that day I was in the hospital that our mother was talking about how the whole ordeal must've been a hoax or a grab for attention. And not even two weeks after I got out, she started into me again. Started calling me worthless and useless. Saying she knows what REAL depression looks like as that is what SHE suffers from.
I know some people don't have a mother anymore. And it sucks for them. While I'm not so bold to state I'd rather not have one, I do feel that she needs to be locked away. Her underhanded commentary about everything is damaging.
I really need to stop bottling everything up. Probably should stop holding grudges and being irrational. I'm an emotional fellow. Everyone who's wandered to this journal should know that much. I don't think apologizing is enough. I don't believe my words mean much with all that's happened in the past.
Jesus, rereading what I've written above reeks of depression. And that's not the focus. Sure, certain thoughts I have going on in my mind are saddening; however, I'm trying to get rid of that side. At least, get rid of the overwhelming influence it appears to have over nearly everything I do or say. I don't know if I could ever remove my cryptic and vague nature, though. Puzzles and mystery are just too much fun for me. :P
Off to work for me, though. Hopefully soon I can go back to Orange Beach full time. Doing Foley every Mon/Fri is getting tiresome.
Tseta C. Aito
· Fri Jan 11, 2013 @ 09:28pm · 0 Comments