Ugh. Seeing Sarah sparked old feelings again.
I really thought I moved on too, but here they are again, all my feels came rushing back, flooding my emotions with nothing but negatives.
Whatever, I'll snuff out these emotions just like I did before. I'll kill off the feelings until there's nothing left. I'll forget the memories, and burn the past. I'll do whatever I can to stop this pain. To be myself again.
I was almost on the verge of tears when I saw her. It took everything I had to keep myself from breaking down. Seeing her face brought back a deluge of memories, good and bad. It made me remember why I loved her, why she made me smile, why she made me laugh. And why I hated her, why she made me angry, why she made me cry. Two strong feelings clashed, and spawned something that I can't quite name. It's not exactly a new emotion to me, it's just indescribable, different, unusual. I'm rarely visited by it, so of course this stranger would make me uncomfortable. It's a feeling of emptiness, but something more. Void of the devoid. You know, emptiness without being actually empty. It's such a weird feeling, something that I could definitely live without.
It's funny, I thought I finally embraced the worry-less lifestyle that I used to have, before all this. I thought I was finally rid of the pain, the sadness, the stress, the emptiness. I guess not.
Of course, I know a way to fix this. It'll certainly do the trick. Out of sight, out of mind, as they say. But I feel like I'd be running away.
That's really all I'm doing. I'm avoiding meebo, I quickly look away when I see her status, as if I'm avoiding eye contact with the screen. I'm being such a coward, a pitiful excuse for a man. I'm eighteen now, I can't keep doing this, but I don't know what else to do.
After heartbreak, I always fled to the safety and solace of anime, manga, and walking. For Iruna, I stayed off for two to three months, then came back good as new, if not better. I want to do the same. I'm actually trying to do it without really doing it by avoiding meebo. But that would just be running away.
Where's the old me? Not the old, old me, but the old me. (Oldception) The me that, although being an uke, stood up, and stood proud. Where's that Jacob?
I can't run away.
That wouldn't solve a damn thing, and all it'd really do is confuse me next time I see her. Like with Iruna, I'd see her, and feeling something akin to love, but it's not. It's a fake, an illusion, the fool's gold of emotions. Running away would allow me to live in bliss for but a moment. When I return, it'd be the same old problem, maybe even worse, or maybe better. I'm not sure, but the risks are too great. I've got no choice but to stake it out, hold strong, and keep fighting.
And, hey, if all else fails, there's always Plan B. I've got nothing to lose, I can master my emotions. I'm a Scorpio after all, the emotionally-unstable, obsessive, jealous Scorpio that's just a little too sentimental. But I'm also the controlled Scorpio, the fierce, the strong, the sexy. We are the masters of control, so I can beat my emotions into submission and control them as I please.
I just need to have patience, and endure this a little longer.
Besides, the more I think about it, I probably only love the happy memories with Sarah. She's a different person who can't make me smile or laugh anymore. Once I convince myself that the old Sarah, the Sarah I loved, is gone forever, my feelings should break, and I'll be in control of myself once more.
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