||＊Stream of Consciousness＊
A Bit About Relationships and Aria: My Fantasy World Revealed
Ever since I was a little girl, I was very lonely. I wasn't unloved, I had attentive parents... in fact they spoiled me rotten with love and affection. But I was different. I was intelligent, and a knowledge seeker, and when someone or something didn't make sense - I said something about it.
But no one took me seriously, because I was a child. And if I made a valid point- it was disregarded because I was a child. Or they would become angry with me.
Now I didn't run into Spooner until I was 8 years old - so for the first 7 1/2 years of my life I was... well alone.
One can be surrounded by people, but if they do not connect with those people they can still be considered alone.
It must be noted, that the first 7 months of my life, when a child learns to trust and learns boundaries - recognizes faces and forms social bonds, were distorted. My biological mother was never around - she hopped from home to home - and apparently every day a new person took care of me.
So I did not have a single person to rely upon. I did not recognize them - I did not form bonds. I did not learn how to trust.
And then, one day, I was taken away from my mother. I was put on an airplane, flown across the country, and immediately introduced to yet MORE people I knew nothing about.
Not long after that their was a party for me. Where people would take hold of me, hug me, smile at me... love me... but to a child, all they understand is that their mother is gone. I knew I was loved, but... by who?
NOW. That's out of the way.
Okay, the message I believe I drew from that experience as an infant was not that I was unloved - rather that I was loved so much! But... the question, having not formed bonds with any of those people or knowing any faces, was rather not 'am I loved' but 'who is it that loves me so greatly?'
So let's fast forward back to when I was an actual child.
I had trouble making friends because of this trust issue I formed as a child. I was affectionate with my parents, took out most of my anger on them, and spent all of my free time (which a child has excessive free time!) playing by myself in my playroom, or reading books, or just sitting in front of the TV and playing
with dolls or such so that I could have some sense of background noise.
My childhood was very quiet.
I would go to the library, and get an entire hand basket full of books and read them by the end of the two weeks. My friends were the characters.
I would form unnatural obsessions with books and tv shows.
Because they were the closest things I had to friends.
When I ran out of books, or couldn't make it to the library, or found myself grounded from TV.... or just when I found myself bored...
I would use the greatest gift any child has to offer the world: Imagination. I would play in mind - the world be damned - it would fade away, melt away, and I became the most important person surrounded by all the friends I ever wanted.
I was a lioness, prowling about looking for her cubs often times. I would fight and search for my lost mate.
Often times I was a princess of the Shadows and all those who wronged me would pay - I painted my nails black and would put their souls in my 'soul jar'.
I was adored and loved- but the question was still by who.
I would pretend that I was an alien princess - sent to earth and that someday my parents, my people, would come back for me.
I never wanted to be human, in any fantasy I played, and always their was someone who loved me far away that I could not reach.
And at some point - fantasy and reality melded.
I was unable to tell the difference.
Literally, I developed some sort of psychosis in which all these fantasy's I created became real. I never SAW anything, but I always felt things.
I was always in therapy since I was like.. .three years of age. But it began to worry people.
When I met Spooner, at the age of 8, I somehow decided that he was a guradian sent to me from the one who loved me...
And Spooner was my best friend. Still is. :3
My favorite fantasy - one that caused A LOT of problems, was that when I was a LITTLE baby, a vampire had saved me from some sort of near death experience.
I think I wanted to feel loved again - I don't know.
But... this fantasy grew to immense proportions and I no longer had control over it. What you think of as just 'daydreams' became 'memories' to me. And I was unable to tell memories from daydreams, lies from truth...
This vampire watched over me. My entire life. Keeping me safe from harm - waiting for the day when I would be old enough that he could come in through my bedroom window and take me away to his world with him. We would be immortal, we would be together, and we would love each other.And as I grew older, time passed... I started writing stories. The constant theme in EVER.SINGLE.ONE. was that their was a man - a dark man, who loved me more than anything, and watched over me. And when the time was right - he came to me, made me cast aside the world I lived in, and we would leave and go to his world.
Looking back on it - what I wanted was obviously to leave the world. To escape from it.
To create a world with the one I loved most, who loved me most, and just live their. Away from everyone else.
...Sometime someone once said to me is that I am "Constantly in love with love, and constantly looking for love - but because of that I can never find it."
The vampire from my fantasy morphed through the years. I was never sure exactly who it was that watched over me. But I was convinced that someone, somewhere, watched over me. And loved me very much.
And I was convinced, that whoever it was - be it an alien, a demon, a prince, or spirit... that they would eventually come for me and take me away.
So. I went through middle and high school living in a fantasy realm - and as time passed... no one came for me.
So I had to form a logical reason behind why this person hadn't come for me.
Before I got into the theory on why that person hadn't come for me...
My entire life- I would fall into a nostalgic haze over the silliest things. Light reflecting off the surface of water. The midnight winter sky filled with stars. The golden color at sunset - the scent of autumn. Warm, light scents carried by the spring breeze - the chill of winter against my skin.
The most powerful is when I look up at the night sky in deep winter. When I stare at the stars, and between the great lights into the darkness ... into the spaces between the darkness... I feel like I have forgotten something so important...
It eats away at me.
The nostalgia reoccurs with everything, scents, sights, sounds... What have I forgotten? And why is it so painful?
At some point while the fantasy was morphing, I adopted the belief that something had occurred in a past life. Something tragic. And it involved the person who watched over me.
I started having odd visions... A dark man in the shadows, obscured by darkness... scented of autumn musk. Castles that were not necessarily black, but so shrouded by time that I could only make out the color black.
Being surrounded by trees... that reached up to the sky. Green lights...
And most importantly seeing my breath while a cold chill clung to my pale flesh- the deep winter midnight sky filled with bright clear stars. And darkness. Darkness everywhere.
So the one who loved me most - the one who protected and watched over me - the one I LONGED for my entire life - was this obscured man.
And as time passed in my life and he did not appear to me, as I believed he would... I decided he couldn't because he was so lost, that he could not find me.
Or perhaps he had no made it to the next reincarnation cycle. And it was that only his spirit could watch over me.
And then the dreams where I would search him out - or where he would visit me bidding me to remember his name. If only I could remember his name...
I want to remember him but I cannot.
You have to understand that I actually formed a person - obscure as he may be - as an embodiment of all that I love and all that could love me.
And I believed in him since I was a child.
I've KNOWN him since I was a child.
I have wanted nothing more than to be loved and find him since I was a child.
So somewhere inside- I believe that he is out their. I am unsure if he is alive. If he can even find me. But i NEED to find him. I know that the logic of the situation is that he is merely an image I created to protect myself.
Logic dictates that he could not possibly exist. But my heart says he does.
And one has so much trouble defying their own heart.
Now with relationships - I am very lonely. I have always been lonely. I have always wanted someone - as you can see.
But the problem begins after I start to date them. Once they try to hug me, or become affectionate.
I get angry.
"Who the HELL are you? Why are you touching me? You're not the man from the shadows."
"You could never love me as much as I love him... as much as he loves me."
"I belong to him. Not you."
Somewhere inside - the rule has always been "It cannot be anyone else. It must be this man."
And so I sabotage myself - I get angry. I cannot betray him.
The problem is that it is SUCH a deep seated fantasy...
It has become a MEMORY. A FACT in my world.
And until I come to terms with the fact that he doesn't exist, and will never come for me, I cannot have a healthy relationship. Because I am always waiting for him.
I truly do have hope that he exists.
I feel it inside. He has to.
But that's why I need therapy.
Because... I don't want to let him go.
I won't let him go.
He protects me.
He loves me.
When no one else will.
Where no one else understands me - he does.
He knows my soul, inside and out, because we met in a time long ago.
And he has watched me grow. Heard me speak.
And I love him. More than anything.
-Aria Rothsbane 01/07/13
· Wed Jan 09, 2013 @ 12:30am · 0 Comments