deep_frost
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Intense First Semester and Winter Break
MORE changes! Oh, life can really turn out much better than you hope for!

Warning, WALL OF TEXT! As I’ve done many times before, I just want to keep a record. If you aren’t interested in minute details of my life (why would you be?) I’d pass this article.

First off, the communication issues really did me and my last boyfriend in. It never got better, to be blunt. Looking back on it, it seemed like a great relationship at the time, but it was really quite awkward and I was the only one really adamant about it. Even now I'm not even quite sure what I was doing. I think I just wanted romance and he was a willing option. Whatever the case, we ended on good terms. Ok, I should say the break up was a friendly one. We don't hate each other, we simply haven't spoken since, but I didn't expect too. That was kind of the main problem.

Well, I started my senior year and the first half has gone really well! I pulled off a pretty good semester, all A's and B's! Although it was difficult it was also incredibly exciting, since I had 3 heavy reading classes and a math course. One of the classes was my senior seminar, which is necessary for graduation. It was really stressful, but I got it done and did pretty well! I know I could have done better but, unfortunately, I had two final papers due one day and I screwed up the times they were due, so I didn't have a chance to go over my sem again before turning it in. I know I would have gotten an A if I'd fixed the areas I'd needed to but I still did fine, so oh well!

I was a part of Dance Ensemble again this year, but even more involved than ever! My friend Jaimee is on the board for the club and told me they did not have enough choreographers for the show, so I threw together a minute of choreography to pitch the night before and had myself a dance to teach! It was difficult and it didn't pull together exactly as I hoped, but it was pretty good for a first shot! Besides that dance, which I taught and participated in, I was also in 3 other dances. It was awesome! One of the dances was choreographed by my good friend Kaitlyn and Jaimee was also in it, so it was a blast! And we're such huge dance buffs that we choreographed stuff on the side for the hell of it. Unfortunately, Kaitlyn graduated at the end of this semester, so we won't get to dance with her again smilies/icon_sad.gif But she plans to visit, which is a plus!

Another thing that has been going on is people all the time! Our apartment always had me and my roommates in the living room, plus Kaitlyn and Joel. Joel graduated last year, but he still hangs around and comes to our place EVERY DAY! It's okay when Kaitlyn does it, because she is awesome and actually interacts, but Joel just sits silently and only talks to say ridiculous things. He will probably continue to do so and Kaitlyn will not be there to balance him out and it will be sad! We also had random other people coming over quite a bit. Katie, Connor, and other odds and ends.

I actually ended up hanging out with Katie and Connor a lot this semester! I’ve always had a fondness for Katie and loved to chat with her and see her when I could. We have been good friends for a long time. Connor is the one who came as a big surprise. I mentioned him before as the guy I had a 2 hour conversation with? Yeah, he's still pretty damn cool. It's rather unfortunate, because he lived on my freshman floor when I first came to college. I never really hung out with him, of course, because I was too busy on the floor above with my ex and making friends with the people I know now. But I really started talking to him a year ago when I began hanging out with Joel and Kaitlyn. Those two lived together and Jaimee and I would often hang out at their house. Connor was friends with Joel, so he was often there doing homework, but that didn't stop him from bullshitting during movies, mainly with me. He is an eye-catcher, not just looks wise, but his personality is phenomenal! Not only does he have great stories and charisma, but he is incredibly intelligent and can joke around while in the same breath paying you a sincere compliment. He’s ardent but also incredibly chill. He’s a unique case. And I’m not just using “unique” for fun. I have honestly never met anyone like him. I had a crush on him, I have to admit. And this was at the same time as my last boyfriend too! But Connor is the kind of guy you pine after and have no real chance with. Plus, he often told stories about what a player he was and I did not need that situation again! I didn't learn until later that most of those sounded worse than they were for the sake of Joel's amusement, but whatever. He was still out of my league.

Anyway, I started hanging out with him a lot more this semester. As far as friends go, he is ******** awesome! He and Katie also have a similar sense of humor, meaning awful stuff that you shouldn't laugh at but you do anyway, and they would always play off of each other and be fricken cool! I would often hang out with those two and shoot the breeze. One thing we also did was go to an Improvised Shakespeare show, which was beyond great (The Milkman, the Unicorn, and the Duck. It was beautiful)!

Ok, this is on another tangent, but I need to say this before I continue. It will all make sense soon. I had another crush this semester. He was a guy who worked with me at the Post Office on campus. He was a cute, soft-spoken lad. I knew next to nothing about him besides his name and that he had a great smile. I asked my friends while we were out to dinner once if it would be taken as a compliment or flirting if I told a guy he had a grand grin. I don't know if they ever really answered (we got distracted by Joel and his comment involving "Nice a**" and our male waiter), but I determined to write him an anonymous note in the mail telling him I approved of this facial feature. Long story short, he e-mailed campus asking whodunnit and I excitedly wrote back. We exchanged letters back and forth by putting them in library books (so it was still anonymous). That went on for about a month and then the letters stopped on his end. Of course, that bothered me.

Now, I told that story to go on to this one. So, I went to a talent show with Connor, Joel, Katie, and Kaitlyn. (The talent show was also funny, because it was run by the Asian Student Association and Joel complained there were too many asians. This is hilarious, as he is Korean). Anyway, the five of us ended up sitting behind my crush. Katie was directly behind him and Connor and I were on either side of her. Well, Connor started talking and joking with him (which surprised me) and I kind of joined in. Afterwards, we went back to my place and I informed Connor of my crush. He told me that the two of them were really good friends and went to parties together all the time. He then left for said party. Joel pestered us to go to his house because he had to feed his roommate’s dog. On the way there, thinking about the info Connor had given me, I mentioned that I had never been to a party. Kaitlyn, thinking it a travesty that a senior like myself had never been to a true college party, said I should go to one that night. Knowing that Connor and my crush would be there already, I jumped at the chance. So we went back to my place so I could get all dressed up, then Kaitlyn's, stopped at Katie's and proceeded to walk to the party on the other side of town. It was freezing! But we got there.
Soon, all of my friends knew of my crush and were trying very hard to make me tell him. Connor kept giving me encouraging words and some equally encouraging plugs of vodka (straight vodka! I mean, I brought a jug of water and I joked that it was really vodka. "Well, I'm drinking straight vodka," he answers with a shrug, like that's normal. I said, "No one drinks straight vodka!" Connor has this smart a** way of talking where he always sounds sarcastic and said, "Try it, then." Still firmly believing it is some kind of mixed alcohol, I did. And it was straight vodka. "Why didn't you tell me!?" I accused. "I did!" he replied nonchalantly, taking a swig. That's why you never trust a man with a flask!) and Katie kept pulling me into a room where my crush was only for him to leave as soon as I got there. It happened at least 12 times (no exaggeration!). Finally, as he was leaving for the night, I staggered over to my crush (I wasn't really drunk, but I figured I'd play it out in case it ended badly) and told him I thought he was cute and that I wrote the notes. He smiled and immediately left. He has yet to ever bring that up and it’s been 2 months. Whoops!
So, I'm beating myself up about it. My friends are calming me down. Connor is the most vocal, saying, "Hey, at least you told him! It's good that you did something." He keeps telling me over and over that it's ok and I remember the crush that I'm still harboring for this kid that I refuse to act on. At first due to his supposed player-ish personality but, now that I knew him better, it was more because I didn't want to screw up our friendship. He gives me more vodka and, although I'm still mostly there, I feel like I've drunk enough that I can say whatever I want. I joke around and say silly things that are inappropriate, but whatever. And I keep bringing up how stupid I feel about telling my crush.
Connor is still on my side about it. "Look, you told him. That's all you can do. It's more than most people do." I nod knowingly and respond, "Yeah. Usually I don't tell people I like them. I just hide it. It usually works out fine. At least it did with the last guy I liked." He says something I don't quite catch because, at this point, I start giggling. He looks at me with this soft smile and a glint in his eye. He asks what he's missing multiple times. I finally say, "Well, the last guy I had a crush on was you." He looks stunned. I feel like this is a bad thing and fake-drunk me has overstepped a boundary line. I immediately retract my statement by saying it was in the past and I'm over it now and I felt we were better off as bros. He goes along with it, saying, "Oh, I was just surprised! I must be really oblivious. I never saw that at all!" and I congratulate myself on keeping his friendship. I learn later what my stupid self has really done. I had just friend-zoned Connor. However, to be fair, it would have been ******** weird to tell one guy you liked him and then go up to another not even an hour later and tell him the same thing. It sounds really fickle and horribly like the behavior of one looking for a rebound. I still should not have done what I'd done. I should have kept it vague. But my reasoning was not the most functional.
So, party continued for another hour. Afterwards, exhausted, but not yet tired, we decide to walk to Connor's place. Kaitlyn soon goes home when we decide to watch The Boondocks and Joel and Katie pass out on the futon. I hung out on the very edge of the futon and Connor stayed on the floor next to me. I graze his hand and realize he is freezing, so I grab both his hands in an attempt to warm them. Feeling guilty, because I knew he was only lying there because I was still awake, I briefly considered asking if we could sleep in his bed, but after my earlier comment, I felt that would be risky. Plus, I didn't want to leave Katie with Joel, sleeping or not. The two of us stay up until 7am. We aren't even watching the show; we're just talking to each other. It was a great night.

After that, I did whatever I could to hang out with him. Even though I barely watched the Boondocks, I said that I would like to watch some more. We end up having a "bro night" where it was just the two of us watching the show. A night our friends later crashed with awesome board games. I invite him over more. I asked if he was going to parties because I only wanted to go if he was there. I texted him often. I tell myself that, as long as we can be friends like this, everything will be awesome. But I soon realize that, like Kaitlyn, this will be Connor's last semester. Not only that, but he won't be able to visit us like Kaitlyn will. No. Connor got an internship 1,300 miles away in Washington, D.C. Even if I could muster up the balls to tell him how I felt, it would be nigh impossible to have a relationship over such a distance. Wouldn't it?

Well, the semester ended. I got all of my friends together for wing night and said my goodbyes to Connor, who I didn't have high expectations of seeing again. But NOT SO FAST! Joel brought up a plan to see The Hobbit that last weekend. Joel and maybe Katie would drive to the theatre from town, Connor would be driving through to get to his place, and everyone could spend the night at my house a mere 15 minutes away from the theatre if they so chose. Potential plans set. However, Katie couldn't make it. I asked Connor if he was for sure coming, because I didn't want to be alone with Joel. No offense to him, but he’s never quite present in a conversation. This is fine in a bigger group, but when it is only 3 people, the other 2 start to feel awkward. It’s like bringing a 2 year old. And there have been many plans that simply fell through because it was only 2 of us and Joel. Well, Connor says he is coming. I panic, because Joel is the only other person in and I don’t want the plans to fall through because of it. Connor's solution? Exclude Joel completely. He does not talk often and, frankly, is a buzz kill. So the two of us decide to go without Joel.

We went to the movie. It was awesome! We explored town, went to my place, and watched game shows and reality TV. We talked up a storm and did not regret leaving Joel out of it. Connor spent the night and was planning to go home the next day. I tried to give him my bed, but he slept on the floor so I could take it instead (my family's a bit old fashioned, so I was worried about letting him sleep by me). Knowing he was going to be cold, I held his hand until he fell asleep. We made it a game: Who can hold on longest? I won. We woke up at noon and watched more TV shows and ate. He decided he wouldn't leave until later. He made to leave at 8pm and I offered him food before the drive home, which he accepted. My mom shoved never ending leftovers in his face and he ate all of them. We ended up bullshitting with my family in the kitchen and, when they left, the two of us started talking to each other on my kitchen floor. He started putting his arm around me and I wondered if he always did that with his friends. I reciprocated by putting my hand on his leg. We didn't notice the time until it was 1:30am. I made him stay another night because I didn't want him driving so far at that hour. Thank God for that! We go to my room. I pester him to sleep in my bed. He refuses to let me sleep on the floor because he's got a man code or something. I compromise so we both decide to take the bed. It's his last night over, what are my parents gonna do? We lay next to one another and he puts his arm around me. I do the same. With the other arm he holds my hand. We enjoy this comfortably. However, I'm confused. I ask what this is. What's going on? Is this a really close friend thing or is it more than that? (Maybe it seems obvious to some, but I know a lot of really lax people with no boundary issues, myself being moderately so, so you can never really tell.)

I don’t believe he directly responded to my question. We stayed like that for a bit longer. Then, he asked me about what I’d said at the party about a month before, when I’d told him about my crush on him. He asked what it was that I liked about him and I gave a few reasons. However, given the situation we were in, I figured What the hell? and added, “But, when I said I didn't like you anymore, I wasn’t being completely honest…”
“How so?”
“Well…” I started shyly, “I was using the past tense…”
His face lit up. As can be proven from my other posts, I am a smile person. And his smile was beyond words. He held me a little tighter. I don’t remember what he said exactly, because that gesture communicated everything I needed to know, but he confessed feelings for me as well. I was stunned. I never expected him to reciprocate at all. As I’ve said, I considered him WAY out of my league. But there he was and there I was and…gosh, I can’t describe how good it felt!

It didn’t take long for us to start back-peddling and seeing the little clues we’d left for each other that we didn’t catch. But everything boiled down to me, really. He didn’t blame me at all, but the big problem was how I handled it. I had grown used to having unreciprocated crushes, so I became adept at hiding how I felt. I constantly called him my bro and, by telling him my feelings were gone at the party, I’d put him in the friendzone without quite intending to. Well, ok, I purposely made him a friend, but that was only because a relationship seemed absurd! So my actions were my own downfall. We could have been together so much sooner! Especially since he told me he started to like me after that 2 hour conversation that now seems so long ago... We focus on that a lot when we're together and think about how things could have been different, but at least we got together in the end! And, now that I'm thinking on this further, we may have gotten together late, but that doesn't mean we have less time to be together. We can make up for it in the long run. Man, I should tell him that sometime.

Well, we’ve been dating for the last 2 weeks. And they have been great weeks! Although he’s been justifiably busy, he managed to come to my place on Christmas day and spend 2 nights with me. It’s really wonderful, because I’m more comfortable with him than I feel like I’ve been with anyone else. For example, we barely do anything but laugh at bad reality shows and talk about anything and everything, but I never get bored! That’s weird for me, because I generally can’t handle hanging out with people for longer than an afternoon!

We even had a date on the 31st! We live about an hour and a half from each other, so we met up at a town between us that I’m familiar with. We went to the mall and he was surprisingly fun to shop with! He has an eye for fashion, this one, and we were trying on sunglasses and hats at Ragstock and goofed off looking at all the ridiculous s**t at Spenser’s. He even tried to help me find some thigh high boots (because I think they’re fricken hot and so does he), which were out of season and hard to find, but he helped me nonetheless! Then we went to see Les Misérables, a really great show, and then went out to eat. He was planning to go home after that so he could keep packing (his plane to D.C. heads out at 6am on the 4th, so that was perfectly cool with me), but I think he wore himself down into driving back to my place. Just until the New Year, he said. And it’s a good thing he felt that way, because my family was in town and my sister called and offered to drive the car home for me so I could ride home with him, which was incredibly generous! So we continued to have a good time and went back to my place. Unsurprisingly, he talked himself into spending the night. He didn’t leave until 5pm yesterday. It was the last time we’d get to see each other in person for months, so I had no problem with him staying longer. Gosh, he’s so fun! I really wish he was still here, to be honest.

So, although it was a long time coming, now we’re together and that’s all that matters to me! I really regret that we had so many misunderstandings and weren’t able to be together sooner, but being together for a short time is better than not together at all! And it isn’t like the relationship is over! We plan to Skype and keep in touch. Connor doesn’t have communication issues like my last man, so I’m not too worried. The only thing I worry about is how awesome he is and how a lot of girls would jump all over him (I’ve never dated a guy with so much dating experience and who is so popular with the ladies!), but I trust him. I have a good feeling. I mean, I opted to keep the relationship open. I told him that, if he wanted to see other girls, that would be fine. However, he said no. I told him countless times that I understand long distance relationships are hard and, as long as he keeps in touch with me, I didn’t mind, but he refused multiple times. That’s an incredibly strong point in his favor. Plus, he’s straightforward and honest. Even if something did end up happening, he would let me know and I’d see where we went from there.

Man, I see why some people believe so fully in the “friends first” philosophy when it comes to dating. I already feel so close to him because I was comfortable with him from the beginning. I’ve told him things as a friend that he never judged me for, so why would he judge me as a girlfriend? I’ve had good times with him before and during our relationship which showed his character and built him up in my eyes. The guy has his flaws, but they’re minimal when compared to his positive traits. I’m just really stoked about this! I know it’s going to be hard to do long distance, but I really feel we can manage. Especially since I’m a crazy mail lady, so we have multiple ways to communicate.

He’s going to be gone for 6 months. Damn! But I have a plan to see him at least once. He’s going to be busy with work and I still have a semester of college, but my one break is Spring Break! My roommates and I always talk about doing a road trip, but it never pans out because hotels and activities are really expensive. However, a trip to D.C. would be fun! It would be a 40 hour round trip, but it would be worth it on my end. Plus, for my friends, we could spend a day in Chicago on the way there or back. Maybe both. If staying in a hotel was a problem, we could just power through to D.C. by switching drivers, because we'd be staying for free at Connor's place. Gas would also be cheaper than plane tickets if we split it among us. And then we could spend a couple days at his place. Us girls could have fun exploring the city, as Connor would still have work, and we could all hang out together at night. We get to have fun and see Connor and I feel like it’s a win-win. However, if my friends aren’t as psyched about it as I am, I would just hop a flight and visit him myself. I’d prefer to have company with me for when he went to work, but I will do what I can. I’ve never been on a plane, so that’s scary, but if all else fails I believe I could potentially get Katie to join me for the skyward journey.
Whatever. I’m seeing him no matter what.

So that has been the majority of my break so far! I have other plans yet. My high school friends are coming over tomorrow for a belated Christmas get-together. Our lives are so separate that it has become harder to see one another, but we’re still trying! It should be fun. We just plan to bake cookies, open gifts, and just chill in my basement. It may sound dull, but I'm really excited about it! I haven't seen them for months!

Other than that not much is happening. But I am starting to freak out because I'm getting my wisdom teeth extracted in about 2 weeks. I'm terrified of surgery. I mean, I could die from it, but I'm also scared of the intense pain to follow or nerve damage and the potential to get hooked on pain killers and all of that nonsense. I'm also worried because I already have jaw pain due to TMJ. Not only am I worried that may lead to difficulties in the procedure, but I'm scared the extraction may make the pain worse instead of better and I really don't want to live a pain-filled life. I wish I was one of those people who had the mentality that it isn't a big deal, but I blow everything out of proportion instead. It's not helping that my jaw has been hurting lately either. Eugh, I hate this!

But, all in all, the good is outweighing the bad here. I mean, I've got Connor! Sure, the distance sucks and surgery is terrifying, but as long as I have him and my other friends, I feel like I can cope. Is that crazy? Maybe. But I really don't care.
This is a new feeling for me and I love it.
Or maybe I love him? smilies/icon_biggrin.gif