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They're Giving Me an ASBO
It's Me or Him
And I love life...
Is it bad that sometimes I feel like gloating?

I tell myself I have long since healed, and I have. But sometimes I feel as though I still have the bandages wrapped around a wound that is no longer there, just so I can dredge up memories. Not quite sit and pity myself... but something I feel is close enough to where I feel ashamed that I do it. I feel as though I should have moved on.

Still, while the wound may have healed, I can still see where the flesh was torn.

So is it bad that sometimes I compare myself? That I look down and smirk a little? That in my mind, there is a voice that says "You deserve it, a*****e" and laughs a little? Sometimes I imagine myself in a scenario where I get to show off just how well I'm doing now, how much better I am now, than where you are. Because I know you're not happy, and when you are, it doesn't last. Life has only gone up for me.

I still tremble when I remember, or see, or when even the smallest thing happens, sometimes. It's muscle memory now. Ingrained. The trade, in the end, was worth it, but sometimes I feel as though I still haven't gotten an even deal. Like if I had just been able to throw a punch or two, it would have been worth it.

Am I angry? Maybe. A part of me wishes I could rage. I never got to. I smiled, through gritted teeth and Minnesota nice. Politeness for politeness' sake. Bottled it all up and channeled it all out, harmlessly, except somewhere inside of me some stuck, and I've never gotten a chance to release it.

******** dammit, these Trojan ads on Spotify are annoying.





 
 
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